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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

father'd a child??

173 replies

lovinmum123 · 28/08/2013 12:19

Hi all im new to this but would like some advice as im too ashamed to talk to my friends and family.
iv been with my partner for 9years and we have a 6year old together. We split up lastyear after going through a rough patch and in the months we wernt together he had a one night stand and the girl got pregnant. She messaged him and he told her to get rid of it but she didnt. We got back together with me knowing all this and then the baby was born this year and he wanted nothing to do with it but he's now paying for the baby and has now turned around and said he wants to see the child and i just can not cope. Im constantly crying im so hurt. I dont want him to see the child but who am i to stop him. I love him but not sure i can carry all this hurt around.i know its not the childs fault but he didnt ask for this but feels he should be a good person and be a dad to the child am i being selfish? Im just so confused and devastated..... :-(

OP posts:

pictish · 29/08/2013 09:12

I agree with you again Cory (this thread had really captured my attention - such an interesting subject).

No good whatsoever would come of treating this baby like a dirty secret, or banning him or her from their lives, in my very honest opinion. It would be selfish in the extreme.

cory · 29/08/2013 09:36

If I have any advice for the OP it would be to concentrate on her own child at the moment:

remember that the fatherhood of your dp is not under doubt, his details are known, one day the other child is very likely to want to contact his half sibling and will be in a position to do so, nobody will be able to stop him

remember that now is your chance to present this situation to your child in a way that he can live with- in 15 years time you will not have that power

remember that one day he will be an adult evaluating his childhood and using that to build on for all future relationships- any loss of trust in you or his father as decent, good, caring people will have terrible repercussions

remember that if he is left to feel that the welfare of his half sibling was sacrificed for him he may carry that burden of guilt all his life

remember that he will think that whatever happens to this child could happen to him if circumstances changed

remember that though he is only little now and no doubt takes his life and family for granted, in no time he will be a pre-teen and, as pre-teens do, he will evaluate the kind of people his parents are to get an idea of the foundations his life are built on

Yes, it is horribly hard for you. But sometimes we do have to do terrible things to protect our children. And paradoxically, the best protection in the present case is openness and acceptance. However much it hurts you.

That doesn't mean that you have to spend time with the other child. But your own child needs to see that you and your dp are behaving like the decent honourable people he needs to believe in. Which primarily means, you need to make sure your dp knows he is to do the decent thing by the child. Because it is his job, not yours. You just need not to stand in his way.

LIZS · 29/08/2013 09:36

has op disappeared ?

Jammee · 29/08/2013 10:43

Why is the baby, when older, likely to contact its half-sibling one day?

I know (myself included) many, many people with half-siblings whom they have no affection for whatsoever. No desire for a relationship, and often in fact, negative feelings towards the new half-sibling, that can go on the affect how the child views their own father.

It's true that these unpleasant feelings tend to arise when the management of the two families has not been done well, but I am surprised by how many people seem to think that half-siblings will automatically like/love each other and want a relationship.

I have found the opposite to be more commonly true.

Bonsoir · 29/08/2013 10:47

This is a really tough situation. Your relationship with your DH is profoundly changed and you need a lot of time and understanding to process all that has happened.

Try your utmost to find space in your heart to see this new baby as your DC's sibling and to foster that relationship. The baby is an innocent party here and needs all the love available.

crazyhead · 29/08/2013 11:17

The trouble is with a situation like this, is that it unfortunately requires the OP to be a saint, and it makes someone else's mess squarely her problem. I'd want to scream if I was in her position and feel very sorry for her.

Personally, if that were me I'd schlepp off straight to counselling to work out my feeelings. I'd need to understand what I needed to stay in the relationship. I'd want to know about the extra work that my partner was going to do to make up for the loss in income, the nice days out me and my child were going to have with him to make up for his time away from us. If he wanted to father twice the children through his own failure to use contraception, he'd need to become twice the man to make up for it.

At that stage I might be ready to be big about the woman and child who I might automatically see as my rivals.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 11:36

The OP doesn't need to be a saint, FGS.
Just a decent person.

Lots of people accept their OH's other offspring and are not saints.

What did she expect, knowing that her OH had another child?
Of course he would be likely to have to pay for the child. The mother only had to go to the CSA. It doesn't have to be a voluntary contribution.

And it's only natural that the father wants to know his child, even if he was against it in the beginning.

Expecting anything else is just burying her head in the sand.

crazyhead · 29/08/2013 12:46

Yes, the OP obviously has to accept it. However, I think to be really decent and generous about it without it impacting on the marriage - which of course she basically has to be because it isn't this child's fault - would be really hard for a lot of people.

It depends on the terms of the split a bit, but it is very different from going into a relationship as a stepparent. That poor child represents the fissure in the marriage that has to be closed up in order to move on.

Good on people who manage to accept these sort of things without a serious struggle. I wonder how common they are though.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 13:28

Yes, but the OP resumed her relationship with her H knowing he had fathered a child.
It is similar to having a child from a previous marriage.
It was not a surprise after they got back together.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 14:56

I find the lack of empathy towards the OP rather sad.

I would be very surprised if anyone would find this situation easy and I disagree that it is comparable to having a stepchild from a previous relationship.

crazyhead put it very eloquently, this child represents a bad time in their marriage and in order to heal they need to deal with that bad time. But as long as this child is in their lives it is a constant reminder not only of their split but also of what happened during it, and keeps the wound open.

I dont understand why so many of you are failing to see why the OP tried to bury her head in the sand. Yes it was inadvisable given that these things always rear up eventually in one way or another, but it was understandable. When I was pg with DC1 I was 17 and 6 months pregnant when I found out. Did I confide in my parents? Get antenatal care? No. I carried on as normal and ignored it hoping it would all sort itself out. It was stupid but I was frightened and didnt know what to do, so I can empathise with the OP feeling the same way.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 15:27

I find her (and his) attitude towards the child rather sad.

I'd have some sympathy otherwise.

pictish · 29/08/2013 15:27

I'd want to know about the extra work that my partner was going to do to make up for the loss in income, the nice days out me and my child were going to have with him to make up for his time away from us. If he wanted to father twice the children through his own failure to use contraception, he'd need to become twice the man to make up for it.

I'm sorry but what a mercenary attitude! Having to spend his entire time constantly making it up to you? I'd tell you to ram it!

Way to make his child the mistake he must always be sorry for. Horrible.

Original poster

lovinmum123 · 30/08/2013 13:48

Thanxs for the replies..but i think noone should call out people by names insulting my other half by name calling..the only reason he told her to abort was out of sheer panick at the time. She said no and he accepted that.he is a doting dad to my child and devoted to me which i know he will never have any kind of relationship with the girl so i am not jealous or untrusting of him. He is a great patner i was just going through a weird phase laat year and felt that breaking up with him was what i wanted i wanted to be alone. Oviously he was free to have sex with someone as i was also free too and oviously thers chance of a baby when u have sex we all know... My main reason for the advice i wanted is i have no ill feeling to this baby im a reasonable and loving person i have no hate in my heart especially for a child...im one of ten half siblings and love all my sisters and brothers our mothers kept us in each others lives so we all have been close..i just feel lost as to how one minute i dont want him to play daddy then the next im like how could i ever deny a child a father even knowing he doesnt want to play daddy to the child! Im just soo confused i was hoping for advice off maybe someone who can see it from my point of view or who has been through this? My partner always thinks and puts me first especially in this situation he knows he wants to meet the child but doesnt want to hurt me.

OP posts:

MissStrawberry · 30/08/2013 15:49

I think you need to grow up. You can't have it both ways and neither can he.

He needs to ace up to his responsibilities and be there for this child for 18 years and until the child decides if they want this man in their life any more after that.

If you can't accept this child is part of your boyfriend's life then you need to leave. This child did not ask to be born. It would probably be sensible to get a STI check too.

If him meeting the child, his child, is going to hurt you then you should leave as he needs to do more than meet his child.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 30/08/2013 16:05

If i was in your shoes op, there is no way i would accept dp/dh having anything to do with the child.

You are one hell of a woman if you stay with your partner whilst he sees this child.

However im not very good at accepting children when in a relationship with someone

Lweji · 30/08/2013 16:07

Have you talked with your mother about those feelings?

If you are part of a large group of half siblings she may well help you deal with your feelings.

How would you have felt if the mothers had kept you apart, or you apart from your father? (assuming they didn't)

cory · 30/08/2013 21:36

We do see your pov, OP. It's tough. Feeling confused and torn between emotions is quite a natural reaction.

I think what you have to do now is just cling to what you know is right, because in the end that is what will help you all to feel good about yourselves and each other as a family.

Which basically means encouraging your dh to be a good dad. He can do that without any immediate involvement from you, though I think it is only right to let your child know from the start that he has a sibling so he doesn't suddenly discover years from now (say, at his father's funeral) and gets hit by a horrible shock.

cory · 30/08/2013 21:38

Jammee Thu 29-Aug-13 10:43:19
"Why is the baby, when older, likely to contact its half-sibling one day?

Maybe to have his questions answered, to find out why he was hidden away and ignored, or even if he might like his half sibling if he met him. Lots of adopted children seek out their birth families once they are grown up, not necessarily because they think they are going to like them but to get closure.

cory · 30/08/2013 21:46

GoingUpInTheWorld Fri 30-Aug-13 16:05:14
"If i was in your shoes op, there is no way i would accept dp/dh having anything to do with the child.

You are one hell of a woman if you stay with your partner whilst he sees this child.

However im not very good at accepting children when in a relationship with someone"

So if your dp left you for another woman would it be ok if she asked him never to see your child again?

Unfortunately, the OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place: she has to either live with the presence of the child or ask her dp to abandon his own child. And then live forever after with the knowledge that her dp was the kind of person who could do that to a child.

The OP sounds a kind and caring person: I think that would actually do her serious damage because it would go against everything she really is.

The two least damaging options would almost certainly be either to break off the relationship or to bite the bullet and make the best of it.

GoingUpInTheWorld · 30/08/2013 21:48

Cory

If the op allows her dh to see the child and maintain regular contact. SHE IS A SAINT!

I just couldnt do it, i just couldnt.

LeoandBoosmum · 30/08/2013 21:52

Awww... I feel for you BUT wanting to see the baby (and I think every child should ideally have involvement from both parents) is entirely different from wanting to see and support the child. Try to distinguish the two in your head.
I must say that your OH sounds like a bit of a shit...if he really said 'Get rid of it'... It takes two to make a baby, not one. He didn't take precautions and now you're both paying the price.

LeoandBoosmum · 30/08/2013 21:53

Sorry...I meant to say 'wanting to see the baby is entirely different from wanting to see his or her mother...' I've had a or two!

Bogeyface · 30/08/2013 22:11

The way I see it you have a choice.

He must see the child and you accept that. The choice you have to make is whether to stay with him and deal with it or leave if you feel you cant deal with it.

I dont think anyone would criticise you whichever you chose, as long as you are honest and honourable. If you choose to stay then you must stick to the deal of you accepting he will see this child, and so may your DC.

It comes down to the fact that you must never ask him to choose between you, because if you do then ultimately you will lose out either way. He may choose the baby and you lose him, or he may choose you, he resents you for it and then you lose him anyway.

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