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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

413 replies

Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 20:54

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

OP posts:
TreeHuggerMum1 · 25/08/2013 20:58

Get a bottle of wine and a big glass. Take a deep breathe and pour the bottle.
I have no words of wisdom but wanted you to know I admire you bravery in confronting him and you have my support.
X

Hassled · 25/08/2013 20:59

Firstly well done - however hard things are going to be, what you did tonight will be the hardest. You've done the most difficult thing. From now on you're in control. It is terrifying, I know, but you should be bloody proud of yourself.

Do you work? DCs? How are your own finances? Thinking about the practicalities may be a good distraction from the emotional mess you must be in - and lots of people here will be able to help.

mrscraig · 25/08/2013 21:00

You are incredibly brave. Please don't be hard on yourself. You are in for a roller coaster of a ride and are in a state of shock.
Be kind to yourself. Is there anyone in real life you can call to come over to sit with you?
Wishing you lots of love. You will get through this xxx

KellyHopter · 25/08/2013 21:01

I'm so sorry, you must be in pieces.
There are lots of threads on here where women in your position receive huge amounts of support and advice. Keep posting x

chinley · 25/08/2013 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shootfromthehip · 25/08/2013 21:04

Oh my, I threw my DH out this week too. It's the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. I know I'll/ we'll be better off but it's still terrifying. I hope that you have some financial security and some very good friends around you. Be strong- I know how hard it is Sad

ProphetOfDoom · 25/08/2013 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrscraig · 25/08/2013 21:05

How did you discover the affair?
I hope you don't mind me asking, only reply if you feel up to it x

bump6 · 25/08/2013 21:10

That took a lot of courage to do that.. Which I think says a lot about you. I hope you have a RL friend to call right now and come to comfort you.
It's incredibly hard but you are worth so much more than your idiot non DH!
Please stay strong and keep talking to us.
Be really kind to yourself.. It's not your fault.

bump6 · 25/08/2013 21:14

That took a lot of courage to do that.. Which I think says a lot about you. I hope you have a RL friend to call right now and come to comfort you.
It's incredibly hard but you are worth so much more than your idiot non DH!
Please stay strong and keep talking to us.
Be really kind to yourself.. It's not your fault.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 21:16

Yes I had a RL friend whi came and looked the DC while I packed his bags. Then distracted them when DH came back so they didnt hear the door rattling.

treehugger I have had four glasses of wine. I am anaesthetised.

mrs craig one of your threads from May has kept me sane this week...the advice on there was so pertinent that I copied and pasted it into my phone. Thank you.

I am now, however, going mad again. Why Did he deny it all? I told him it would better if he came clean and that I had proof. I tried three times. Complete denial from him. Bastard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 21:18

Sorry for the typing, which is usually so carefully spellchecked. Stress+wine=typos. Bear with me x

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 25/08/2013 21:23

Well done, that was the hard bit and you did it! He doesn't deserve you at all, fuck him. From now on he's not your problem.

I'm on my phone so apologies for typos.

Take a day tomorrow just to deal emotionally with the enormity of what you have done and be prepared for contact from ex. If you want, let people know what's happened and get some rl support.

The next day you need to think about practicalities. End your joint tax credit claim and start claiming singly, go to see a solicitor or CAB about divorce proceedings, start thinking about living arrangements.

It's doable, I did it and women do the same thing as we have every single day. It can be scary as its the unknown but it will be worth it Smile he no longer gets your consideration or head space , the ow can do that from now on.

onetiredmummy · 25/08/2013 21:24

X post. He denied it because he knows he's a dick and has made the error that ended his marriage. He will try to downplay it , ignore him.

coco35 · 25/08/2013 21:26

Good woman. You are incredibly strong. what a brave lady you are. dont look back. your gut and prob other things are shown you that you are right so his denial means nothing. also the fact that he didnt kick up a fuss and plead his innocence further says alot. stick to your guns. i wish i had your strenght.
as someone else said. make plan b now regarding finances and be on guard for him trying to come back etc.
well done. i have had several medicinal glasses of wine myself at times like this so enjoy them. and great you have a friend you can be honest with - that is where i went wrong so hold onto that and keep keep talking thats crucial.........

Vivacia · 25/08/2013 21:26

The denial may be down to the fact that he's innocent and has a good reason for his unexplained absences. Alternatively, it may be because you've taken him by surprise and he didn't have a clue you suspected.

elvislives2012 · 25/08/2013 21:26

Well done. Sounds scary but u sound tough. No real advice but plenty of support xxx

Shyer · 25/08/2013 21:28

You must feel very shaken up - but well done, it only feels scary because you've done the bravest thing.

Try and be as nice to yourself as possible. You've done the best thing - getting rid of the loser and the drain - now take a break.

mrscraig · 25/08/2013 21:30

The advice I received is something I'll always be grateful for. The utter despair and heart break feels crippling and you will feel you're going mad. I was so relieved to discover that these emotions are completely normal.
You are feeling the very worst you will ever feel at the moment. Please be kind to yourself. I really feel for you xx

ProphetOfDoom · 25/08/2013 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viking1 · 25/08/2013 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lackedpunchesforever · 25/08/2013 21:55

You are so brave - so bloody brave.
Keep taking those deep breaths and taking one hour at a time. you deserve so much more than this and you have done absolutely the right thing by confronting him. whatever the future holds, you are in control now of your own life.

AKVS · 25/08/2013 22:12

Oh dear. U r so strong and brave!
Get support from family and friends.
Think about practical stuff too.
Be kind to yourself.

U r amazing. Cheers!

AKVS · 25/08/2013 22:13

Oh dear. U r so strong and brave!
Get support from family and friends.
Think about practical stuff too.
Be kind to yourself.

U r amazing. Cheers!

CookieDoughKid · 25/08/2013 22:26

Dear OP. Keep the anger for as long as you can whilst he goes through this denial phase. He's a bastard to you. Remember that. He will try to put the blame on you [don't take that in for one moment is the real reason why he had an affair]. And you will try to minimise/forgive/see logic in all of this. Of which, there isn't any logic other than.....He's a disrespecting bastard and at this moment in time, deserves to be booted out and living on his own without the comfort and trappings of being in a family.

Take a WIDE berth and think about your next steps. Take a long good hard think and remember this. Even though you might, MIGHT forgive him, you will never forget. He's lost your trust and that will be a hard road for you both if you do decide to get back together.

Let's see what the bastard comes back with and calmly threaten that you will take him to the cleaners (divorce) if he even so tries to demand anything off you. Trust me when I say that that will shut him up (I know from experience, that people are very very afraid of being taken to the cleaners in a divorce, even though on the surface they may be calm and collected.).

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