Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

[Fireplaces]

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

He had an affair with a work colleague? Has he offered to resign immediately??

He really isn't listening is he? I would sleep on it and send a very short reply saying you know best what you need and you've already told him. No contact other than about the children (email/texts only).

And why does he think that you need to see a counsellor? He just isn't listening to you at all and I'm flabbergasted that he thinks he can still call the shots.

Actually, I'm wrong. Just don't respond. You've told him what the deal is, no need to get in to an email exchange.

I would say: if you will do anything to put it right do as I have asked and stay away. I will not be responding to any more of your emails.

Actually (I will get slated or this) I think he sent a good email. If I did something terrible and DH asked for time, no matter how sorry I was and how much I respected his feelings, every hour I had to wait without being able to physically see him and talk to him to let him know how sorry I was would be agony, and I would have trouble keeping quiet.

It's not unreasonable to ask for space at all but I don't think him pushing to see/talk to you in person is a sign of disrespect. It is a sign of a scared husband who knows he's potentially about to lose everything and in such an emotional situation, the only way he can think to save things is to be near you. Until you have heard what he has to say, you can't really know how much he values you and how sorry he is. Don't write him off before you have that conversation. If, at that point, he doesn't make you feel respected, understood or valued, ditch him.

I am not expecting you to get over this, I made a terrible mistake and I know what it will take to put it right. I just want the opportunity to communicate

He does not know what will put it right at all, or even if it can be put right. And what he wants is less important right now than what ^you* need.

He thinks he can sort this. His way. Arrogant.

Bollocks. He's trying to control the situation, refusing to give OP the space she needs. It's not about what HE needs. It's about what the OP needs. It's still all about him.

Jamm thats an interesting contribution and you are right, he might well be in agony, but so is the OP. And so will his kids be at some point. He caused this, and he needs to put others' wishes first now.

Op I don't think his email sounds angry however I do think you need space and time to clear your head and truly understand what you want in the future. Leave his stuff in the car and let him sort the car sets for the DC and keep making it clear you want/need space.

I wouldn't bother with the Dr. Question because at the end of the day regardless of whether or not his seeing a Dr, what matters is what you want your future to look like. You won't know this till you have time and space to think.

You are so brave to stay so strong.

Fireplaces. You need to consider whether you will ever be able to trust him again. Wen he is late home, goes out with mates, pops to the shops...if you will be worrying where he is and who he is with then give up on this now. If you think you can handle this then go for counselling yourself alone, and couples counselling.

I left my ExH after he had a very lo term affair with his best friends wife. We tried for a while but he continued to see her then when he stopped, lr said he had, i never trusted him and couldn't live like that. Leaving was hard and being an LP is not easy but I could not live with the mess he had left us in.

Good luck

I kind of agree with Jammee...

It seems heart felt, and sincere. But I don't know him so only you can tell...

Again like Jammee if it were me in the wrong I would spend every waking moment trying to see DH to sort it out, but you OP, do what is best for YOU.

You have been so strong and dignified. Keep it up xx

Fireplaces

I don't know if he has seen a Dr or not and tbh it doesn't matter. Do not engage about this, ignore it. Asking for the name of the consultant will just make him think you are interested in the details of his 'attempt' to 'make this better'. Ignore.

Others will say not to reply or will come up with shorter, snappier replies, but this is what I would reply.

DH

'A mistake' - really? You have had an affair, you have had sex & an emotional connection with someone else over a prolonged period, you told someone else you loved them - you haven't just picked up whole milk instead of skimmed milk. 'Mistake' really doesn't cover what you have done and merely tries to minimise it.

I am not expecting you to get over this

Good. Then we are both on the same page.

I know what it will take to put it right

Do you? Do you just? It cannot be 'put right', it is either over or we start again at the beginning, there is no easy fix. Should I decide to go forward with our marriage it will not be YOU deciding what needs to be done to put it right, it will be ME.

I just want the opportunity to communicate with you and spending the time together is the best way I can see to do this

I don't care what YOU think is the best way to do this, I am telling you that I do not want to see you or speak to you until I am ready. I will NOT be bullied into it. It is not about what YOU need.

I am sorry if you feel that that I am pushing you - but I hope you take it as a sign that I want to do anything I can make things right as quickly as possible

No, I take it as a sign that you do not care what I want or need, but only about your own feelings.

for the sake of us and the DC

If you had given me or the children a single thought, we would not be in this position, do NOT attempt to manipulate me in this way, it will NOT work.

I am truly sorry that I hurt you and the boys. I desperately want to put it right

Then listen to me - I do not want to talk to you, see you or get emails like this from you. What I need is space from you - if you continue with this barrage of texts & emails I will draw the line under our marriage and file for divorce.

Fireplaces

I don't think you need to reply and I do think its a well thought out email. Do you think you need to see a counsellor?

Lets hope he now gives you some space and respects what you have asked of him.

Make sure you try and eat as well as rest.

Don't reply to that. There's no point demanding he stay away from you (quite rightly!) and then becoming drawn into an email chat instead. Don't ask about the Dr and I also wouldn't even think about counselling with him just now. HE is the one who thought it was ok to sleep around so HE needs to work out what's wrong with his head before you can even consider doing anything jointly.

If you think a counsellor then see your own and on your own until you are in a place to see one with him and only if you want to.

I think he has thought this email out too but I don't think he is anywhere close to understanding what he has done to you because at the moment it's all about he thinks he has lost...it's all about him.

He's been acting like a selfish arse for a long old while...that doesn't just suddenly stop IMO.

You are doing amazingly!

I certainly think his requests to see you/speak to you/have counselling could be seen as him trying to dictate, to him ignoring your wishes and thinking about his needs, but if people are honest with themselves, a lot of truly sorry people would react in the same way, too.

It is all about the OP and her DC. That's what's important but I don't think undue negativity from posters on here is necessarily helpful to OP. Yes, she wants advice, support and opinions but his email wasn't disrespectful, so from what OP has shared with us, we can't know if he falls into the selfish, controlling category or the truly sorry category. We don't know him. OP does, and she has said she needs time to reflect, and then to talk, before she can completely write him off, too.

I think support on here is great, with loads of valuable contributions, but its easy to slate a cheater, and say they cannot be truly sorry or that they want everything on their terms, but sometimes relationships can get back on track, and I'm sure everyone telling a person how bad the DH is and how he wants everything his own way can only make it harder for the relationship to be repaired. Anyway, that's how I see it, objectively, as I don't know OP or her DH, so can only generalise.

OP, I do think you are being amazingly strong and dignified, and should take as much time as you need. You need to do what is right for you and your DCs. If that means giving it another go with your DH then he will be a very lucky man, as you sound like an amazing woman.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Fireplaces you're an amazing woman, I salute you. So strong and dignified. Your DH could learn a lot from you, and I bet he realises that now.

I'm going to go against the majority and say I think it is good to communicate. I've never known a relationship suffer through too much communication, but many fail due to too little.

Your DH has written a good response. He's not imposing himself on you, he is offering to change the car seats over, and pick up/drop off stuff in a way so that you do not have to see him. He's offered to go to counselling. I don't read it that he thinks you personally need counselling, but that you as a couple may benefit from it. I've never been to counselling myself, and would rather walk over hot coals than drag DH along, but for some people it is an important step in recovering from something like this, so perhaps he feels this is the 'right' thing to offer. You know him, so you can judge best what his intention is.

My DH's affair was a catalyst for something good in our relationship. We started talking, uncovered so many misunderstandings, healed so much hurt. We actually became good friends again. We did split up, but it was amicable, and I actually felt good about starting life again with him still in it, as a friend. Reconciliation came much later, when we were both in a neutral place. You need to be happy on your own before you can even think about being happy again together.

I say talk to him, but on your terms. Email is a good way as you can say what you want without being overwhelmed by the emotion of the situation. DH and I emailed each other a lot. We also went out to dinner together, which was another good way of talking sensibly, as a restaurant is not the place for a melt down.

I wish you well. Don't listen to people who tell you what to do, they aren't you, they have no idea about your life. Ask yourself what you want and go from there.

Don't respond.

Get the things in the car ready, and have the visible lights in your home switched off if you're there. Give the appearance that you're not there.

This guy needs to know what losing it all's going to look like.

If you cave now, he'll know he's got the upper hand back.

He can't have that, he has to really work hard to get back to speaking terms.

Yes in time, hear him out, but not this week.

You asked for space, give it at least a week, ideally 2.

You need the distance and he needs to take a long hard look at himself.

Silence is the strongest negotiation tool there is!

If you ignore the "I know best" tone then I suppose it's not a bad response. But you don't need to reply. Just leave the stuff out and take the time you need to decide what you need now, rather than what he has decided that you do.

Fireplaces, do NOT engage. He is very used to controlling the situation, and 'communicating with you' will be his way of persauding you. Does this man work in the City? He comes across as an executive and used to being in command of stuff. You really do need time, peace and quiet to think about things.

Isn't it funny that it is a terrible mistake, only when they get found out? Mr W had a 2 year affair with his co worker (he was her boss) which only stopped when he got found out and then that was a 'terrible mistake' as well.

The only counselling he needs is to examine the ENTITLEMENT he has to do whatever he wants. When he wants, and how he wants. And to think that 'a conversation' will fix it.

Fireplaces, this is NOT about the marriage. I would be deeply suspicious of any counsellor that made it about the marriage. When you are feeling annoyed, neglected, bored or any of the niggles that go on in marriage, you have no right to take this option. Only selfish people who truly think they are more important, do.

For the sake of his marriage and his children? Really????!

The car seats are the truly humble and penitent bit of the letter.

Please ignore this and do not respond. SHUN him. This letter is staggeringly like the ones that I received, and I made the mistake of engaging.

'We did split up, but it was amicable, and I actually felt good about starting life again with him still in it, as a friend. Reconciliation came much later, when we were both in a neutral place. You need to be happy on your own before you can even think about being happy again together. '

Wow, Worcester, I didn't know that. That is wonderful to find out, how the space and the finding yourself first and the neutrality eventually became a healing process. What a lovely story, and it makes such sense.

I must respectfully disagree with you about communication right now. I could be completely wrong, but from the articulate and persausive tone of the letter I am picking up 'City' /executive. And what that means IR is that he works very long hours, and is used to negotiating and persauding. That would be 'his turf'. Fireplaces is a SAHM that picks everything up behind him and he has come to take her for granted. [Forgive me if this is my imaginings Fire].

So, to 'communicate' now would be to go back onto 'his turf' and his locus of control.

Fireplaces to shun him at the moment and for him to stay in the silence of his making, is what he needs right now.

He still hasn't admitted anything has he?

He knows what it will take to put it right. Does he now. He probably thinks it will take weekends away and lots of sex and more attention for him to put things right.

Sod his 'agony', its self inflicted.

I would just repeat the bit about going straight to divorce if he tries to push you for anything before you are ready.

And I remember something from a thread a while back, where a woman suggested a weekend away with her straying husband to try and put things right. She was told that this would be REWARDING him for his behaviour, so don't go there.

So many many times on these threads a woman is told to chuck the man out and give the woman some distance so she can think straight. And they ignore the advice and take him straight back, then wonder why they can't work things out. His OW is probably married or still living with her parents, otherwise he'd be at hers? But no, he wants to come home cos he's probably got nowhere else to go.

I'd put the stuff in the car tonight, leave it unlocked, and go out. Don't even be in the house so he can't be tempted to try and come in and sweet talk you. Or if he still has keys, lock from inside and put the bolts on and then sit upstairs listening to music with the earphones in!

I'm a bit curious about the things he doesn't need that he wants to drop off.