Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

[Fireplaces]

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

IMO your post was fine wobbly. It is natural and understandable to be angry and your comment about telling everyone was correct . Anger can be helpful in an instance like this, it keeps you strong and less likely to cave in. Why shouldn't you be angry , (particularly if his family put pressure on you to give in and be a good girl and their son is worth another chance and its your fault for not keeping him happy anyway.) I think your post is helpful, as are most on this thread. I didn't find you bitter or unhelpful and you should not have to justify your comments.

One of the strengths of mn is our collective experience and opinion on stuff like this, I wish I had been posting in the last few months of my marriage and subsequent divorce. I would have done a lot of things differently.

So fireplaces stay strong, you are doing fantastically . Of course he wants to move back in and forget all about it, but you take things at your pace and stand firm

Just to say you are being so strong

If he doesn't leave you alone then how the hell are you supposed to even think about starting to heal yourself and decide what you want, without him reappearing like a bad smell constant reminder?

Can you really forgive a man that's told another woman he loves her when he's living with a wife and a family? Are you sure it's not just because you don't want to lose what you had before you discovered the affair?

Hope you're ok this morning

Just another quick note to send you my best and a bit of hand holding. Hope you are doing as well as can be expected today. So far IMHO you are doing amazingly well and you really are an inspiration to other people (women/men) that have/are been treated as appalling as you have been treated by your DH. You are right to have time on your own to work through the hurt, confusion, anger and every other emotion you will be going through at the moment. Your strength so far is commendable and I hope you have the strength to continue to do what is right for you and your children.

wobbly - I hope MN don't delete it, it's fine & hopefully will help some people to understand a bit better.

fireplaces - have you replied to him?

He has sent me another (third) email today, wanting to comeand put the children to bed tonight and wanting to go away for a long weekend this weekend 'to talk'.

"Well, no thank you", I thought. The sh*t is about to hit the fan as I just sent him this. Views please - reasonable? Unreasonable? Deranged?

==

Dear DH

"It seems that you are misunderstanding me so I will be be as plain as I can.

You have destroyed our marriage. You have had sex with another woman, told her that you loved her, and planned a future with her. This is not something that I am able to simply forget or "get over".

You lied to me when I confronted you, despite me having proof of your full emotional and sexual affair with your work colleague. You still have not had the decency to admit to this.

I have asked you three times now to stay away from me for a few weeks, to give me the space I need to think about whether our marriage is viable in the future. I did not say A week, I said, A FEW weeks. I will let you know when I am ready to talk to you. At the moment I still feel traumatised; sick, shaky, and too angry to see you.

I have every right to have time on my own to work through the hurt, confusion, anger and every other emotion I am going through at the moment. You are not doing as I asked and giving me that space. If you truly loved me and respected me then you would give the honesty and thinking time I have asked for and would not be hassling me to come home. You are pushing me faster than I need to go.

If you truly want to make amends, you will do anything you can to make it up to me. For now, this is time and space to process my thoughts and that is what you should understand.

I make no promises about what will happen. I cannot guarantee that I will want to continue the marriage after I have had some time to think, but what I can tell you is that if you continue to ignore my feelings in this way then I will have no option but to draw a line under our marriage, file for divorce and move on. I don't want to make that decision yet, as I said I need some time to think, but if you force the issue by insisting on coming here, then I will have no choice.

I am afraid that you threw away any choice in what will happen with our marriage the moment you had sex with your mistress.

With regards to access to the children, I am happy for you to take them out this Saturday and/or Sunday and am happy to discuss the timings with regards to this.

With regards to your stuff from the house that you want; as I said before, please let me know what you need and I can leave it outside at a mutually convenient time. At the same time, please can you leave me the children's car seats so I can get them around safely.

Fireplaces

Fireplaces? YOU ROCK.

I am in awe. Well done.

Yep that's really good. I like it, not deranged at all. Just calm, dignified & cold.

Well done x

I think it's sensible, fair and honest. Have no regrets about sending that. Well done Fire, you're coping great in the worst situation.

Super response, well done.

You are awesome, Fireplaces. You should be very proud of sending that. Please go see a solicitor when you are ready. I'm sorry you're in this awful situation but you are handling it with such dignity and intelligence.

Very, very good OP. Perfect response.

What a dignified and well written email Fireplaces well done you.

I know you probably don't feel like it at the moment but you are doing yourself the world of good by drawing your line in the sand and telling him plain and simple that his behaviour is unacceptable within your marriage. If he stays or goes in the long term he knows exactly where you stand and what he stands to lose.

I really wish that this is the beginning of a brighter future for you and your DCs, however you decide to move forward.

I haven't read your reply yet, but I just wanted to say, before I burst... I would be at boiling point with him and I would want to divorce him for his sheer fucking annoying behaviour when you have told him to leave you alone...

I think I would have replied...

Get To Fuck with what you want you self absorbed stupid fucking shit head and leave me the hell alone before I file for harrassment let alone divorce!!

Now I will go and read your undoubtedly more patient & polite response.

Well done my love. It was a great blend of things you said & things other people suggested. We await his reply. I have the shovel ready.

Brilliant observations Shedwood. You have clearly drawn a boundary and by staying calm kept the spotlight on HIS behaviour [where he doesn't want it to be].

I wonder when he will tell the immoral, boundaryless POS co worker...

Very dignified and honest Op. Nothing deranged, bitter and/or unreasonable in your email. Just plain honesty and truth. Keep strong and remember you need to do what is right for you

That is a brilliant email. I can feel him shitting himself all the way over here in Essex.

You really do need time and space to thing and have time for yourself, I was quite amazed when I had my time without DH at how little I did for myself, to make myself feel good.

It did me the world of good to put myself, my thpught and feelings before anyone else's.

Great reply.
You are being so strong (although I know that's not how you are really feeling!)
Keep repeating and do NOT let him into the house.
You'll never get rid of him again.
Keep going keep strong!
As PP said 'YOU ROCK'!

Unlurking to say how awesome you are. And please re read this thread everytime you feel wobbly or unawesome.

A horrible, horrible, time for you. Take all the support you can from here and in RL (have you started telling people? It really helps, and no one judges you, honest)

Repeat to yourself "MY rules now" and don't let him move your (very fair) boundaries one millimetre.

Well done on that sensible email. And do listen to wellwobbly, despite some doubters, she knows her stuff. (Didn't something similar happen to wwifn? There is a contingent of people who do not like posters shining a light on infidelity behaviour for some reason)

That is assertiveness. :)

You will be ok.

OK, I sent that to him. Then I sent a few emails to some joint friends cancelling my attendance at a function in ten days time. I decided that I was sick of the lies involved thanks to DH's affair, so I told them the truth as to why I could not attend with my DH. The shit will hit the fan when he finds out about that I think but I am so sick of the lies.

Well done, it's important to 'make it real' for all concerned.

Make sure you are ready with your replies when it does hit the fan. HE had the affair, you are NOT obliged to keep his dirty little secret, this is NOT HIS business, it's yours etc.

BRAVO!

Have just had a response from DH to my email of today: - what are your views to this response? I am very surprised he is really angry by my refusal to play ball, and I am amazed he has seen a dr. I am not sure I believe him actually - do you think it would be ok to ask for the name of the consultant he saw?

==

"Dear Fireplaces

I am not expecting you to get over this, I made a terrible mistake and I know what it will take to put it right. I just want the opportunity to communicate with you and spending the time together is the best way I can see to do this. I am sorry if you feel that that I am pushing you - but I hope you take it as a sign that I want to do anything I can make things right as quickly as possible, for the sake of us and the DC. As I say - I made a terrible mistake - you have every right to be angry and hurt, but I want you to know I will do anything to put it right.

I have just been to see a consultant at xx (private hospital) and he is going to find a referral for counselling. When you are ready to discuss I would like us to go together?

I will drop the car seats this evening at around 8pm - can you leave the Fiesta unlocked and I will change the seats over, The things I need are x x and x . If you leave them in the Fiesta I will take them with me. At the same time I would like to leave some things that I don't need which I will leave in the car.

I am truly sorry that I hurt you and the boys. I desperately want to put it right.

DH"