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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

413 replies

Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 20:54

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 22:40

Thank you for your replies. I have no idea where he has gone. Perhaps to the OW? I feel she is welcome to his moodiness,, bad breath, picking his nose, spotty arse, and snoring. I wonder how long it'll be before she calls it a day?

OP posts:
Tortington · 25/08/2013 22:42

i am absolutely amazed by how strong you have been, well done xxx ((hugs))

ProphetOfDoom · 25/08/2013 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieDoughKid · 25/08/2013 22:56

And don't forget you've kept your side to the marriage being faithful. Your integrity will get you through this.

myroomisatip · 25/08/2013 23:06

Ah sunshine...

I am the other side of a split, although no OW was involved, but you know, I woke up this morning with the bed to myself :)... no other smelly, snoring, sweaty occupant taking the duvet, in my bed! Yes... result!

I think you will be fine :)

Hissy · 25/08/2013 23:25

Oh love, so sorry! But you have done the right thing.

Really you have. You'll see that soon!

skyeskyeskye · 26/08/2013 00:22

Well done on being so strong.

LittlePeaPod · 26/08/2013 08:45

Op so sorry to hear what you are going through. I couldn't read and run. I hope you are as weel as can be under the circumstances BUT well done for making it clear to him you will not tollarate been treated so appaulingly Flowers

Original poster
Fireplaces · 26/08/2013 10:01

Urgent help please this morning. He rang and I ignored the phone. He then sent me a text asking me to let him back in.

I need help constructing a non-confrontational yet firm 'no'. I do not know what to say.

I do not want to see him. He makes me feel sick.

I told him three times during confrontation yesterday that if he had any respect for our marriage and for me, he would move out and keep away for a couple of weeks so that I could have some space to think.

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 26/08/2013 10:04

Send him that last sentence.

Vivacia · 26/08/2013 10:10

What waffly said.

Do you feel safe? Do you want someone there with you?

Buzzardbird · 26/08/2013 10:13

Wow, you are good. All the ones who are pussy footing around wondering what to do about their cheating partners should get you round!
Just be firm and repeat "no". You didn't make him go cock dipping.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 26/08/2013 10:28

Ok I will go with what waffly said x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/08/2013 10:57

Yep, if he replies just repeat the same message and then don't reply.

DaydreamDolly · 26/08/2013 11:08

You're amazing. Stay strong. You no longer need to do what he wants you to do or dance to his tune. Do not let him back in if you don't want to see him. Be strong, be firm, and I have a feeling you'll be just fine.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 26/08/2013 12:10

I also think you're amazing fireplaces so many people would be in pieces and begging him to come back....you're the winner...he's the one whose lost out and he's already realising it!

Original poster
Fireplaces · 26/08/2013 12:40

He has sent me a reply which has surprised me in its contrition yet annoyed me by the implication that he will 'stay away this week' (ie one week when I have repeatedly said 'a few weeks'.). He expects me to get over this in a week.

. Emotional roller coaster.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/08/2013 12:46

Remember that No is a complete sentence.
You don't have to explain, justify, dwell on it.

Just say No.

It's easy to feel forgiving, sorry, hopeful, but he is a liar.
He's not even contrite if he said he'll leave for one week. Although, his children should be able to see him. Can you try and maintain contact between them, without you being involved?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 26/08/2013 12:47

Where is he staying? Did he say? Your emotions will doubtless change again later...it must be hard to know what to think!

Seenenoughtoknow · 26/08/2013 12:51

I would ask him if he went to the other woman and she turned him away?

Original poster
Fireplaces · 26/08/2013 13:18

Please help me word a firm but fair (don't want to antagonise) reply. Am stuck.

I want to say:

  1. a week is not enough. He must not think he is moving back in, in a weeks time. (frankly right now i dont think i ever want him back)
  2. The time apart is no guarantee of me then then agreeing to continue the marriage. Time away is purely to let me have space to grieve and think.
  3. he should do some serious thinking too.
  4. I have already said in my email thus morning that we should sort out access to the children. I am happy to be reasonable. Eg one full day a week at the weekend plus tea after school one day. Or every other weekend. But I don't want the DC meeting the OW as it would be too confusing for them (young).
  5. I need the car seats back from the car he has with him (so I can put them in our old runaround car and they'll be safe).
OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/08/2013 13:26

I would restrict your communication to your fifth point. There is no need to repeat yourself on the others. You've told him once that you need a fortnight. Once is enough.

I wouldn't mention the OW. Firstly, I can't see how you can win that one. Secondly, I doubt he's in a hurry to anyway.

onefewernow · 26/08/2013 13:50

He hasn't even admitted it yet, has he? I imagine he us like nearly all cheaters, in that he imagines it is just a case of waiting for the dust to settle and for you to calm down, before he hops back in order to lie and minimise some more.

Do take advantage of that thinking time, and try not to spend it playing text tennis with him. He is only interested in helping himself, anyway.

You rock for swift action, though?

Seenenoughtoknow · 26/08/2013 14:10

I agree with vivacia, you don't owe him any explanations, just tell him you want the car seats. Don't let him know how you are thinking or that you are confused, you can make decisions later - he is more likely to come clean if he thinks he has completely lost you, as he will think his honesty might be the only way of getting you back.

onefewernow · 26/08/2013 14:13

Yes I agree. Their early post throwing out communication is usually intended to see how the land lies.