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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

413 replies

Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 20:54

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

OP posts:
mumsiebaibe · 02/09/2013 21:45

Hi Fireplaces,
Sorry to know what you are going through. I am married myself but a word of advice to us women, yes it is an honour to be married but we should stop putting husbands on a pedestal. They as humans have their flaws, and with the high expectations comes the disappointment and shock when issues like affairs come up.
Secondly, yes ,you have thrown him out which to you its the best decision for you but after the dust settles just search within yourself and see where you also went wrong so you might keep your eyes open in your next relationship if you decide to have another one.
Personally I think this divorce thing is a bit too drastic if you have doubts just opt for a trial separation and try to work things out if possible. Or if you go your separate ways, you find another man and it happens again are you going to divorce again and stay celibate for the rest of your life?

Aussiebean · 02/09/2013 21:50

Hi mumsie.

Have you ever experienced what the Op has gone through?

mumsiebaibe · 02/09/2013 21:52

No one is perfect, as the saying goes THERE IS NOTHING AS A PERFECT MARRIAGE. Men are simple creatures you just know how to deal with them. You let them feel they are THE HEAD but forget that without THE NECK the head cannot function.
All the best girl!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 02/09/2013 21:58
Hmm
Wellwobbly · 02/09/2013 22:00

Hi, Mumsie, I used to think exactly the way you did. I also used to think I had some control over things.

But what happens when the problem actually is your partner's selfishness?

What can you do when he mishandles his depression (by acting out etc), and that selfishness stops the humility he needs to really look at himself?

What can YOU do, when little things start adding up in HIS life - like, his hair starts falling out, manboobs start appearing, he can't get it up quite as hard, that makes HIM think, fuck I am getting old, and the distress of that INDIGNITY makes him go and check that he still is all that?

And then, when he is found out and has shattered everything, he still doesn't have the humility to give her a real apology, real remorse, real reassurance? Because he doesn't really want to admit that the reasons he did this actually are shitty reasons? Selfishness. Greed. Because he could. Because secret new forbidden sex is much more exciting. Because keeping secrets makes him feel great. Because his need to 'feel good' was more important than her pain.

Not a lot the wife can do, you know. Because this stuff isn't about HER or the marriage.

Libertine73 · 02/09/2013 22:15

Well said wobbly

hope you are alright op.

KalevalaForMePlease · 02/09/2013 22:36

Hey mumsie, the 1950's called and asked when you're coming back...

mumsiebaibe · 02/09/2013 23:00

Hi wobbly, wow! this situation seems more like the man is going through a mid- life crisis. and instead of him humbling himself and apologising he is rather being arrogant also. There is not much for the wife to do in this situation. It might be best to cut yourself loose from this selfish man before he takes your sanity!
Once you are still alive you don't know what you will find tomorrow.
All the best.

UptheChimney · 03/09/2013 09:04

First time I've heard marriage called "an honour" for women, outside of the 1960s ...

just search within yourself and see where you also went wrong Because the OP physically pushed her husband onto the OW and suggested they have sex.

Yes, I think that's where she went wrong.

Wellwobbly · 03/09/2013 10:19

Mumsie, the problem is, that real life is boring. It's drudgery. It is washing and bills and there is a damp patch in the bathroom do you think it is the roof, a leak or rising damp? It is Mummy, Mummy, Mummy and wiping surfaces and bums and being tired.

OW on the other hand, is infatuation and unearned admiration, shiny eyes, shallow emotion and exciting sex.

The wife simply cannot compete against that. She can't. She represents EVERYTHING in his life that is obligation, responsibility and drudge. The OW is not a replacement, she is an ESCAPE from all of that.

You really are mixing up two things. Affairs are not about the wife, or the marriage. They are about shallow emotion, selfish, ego. There are many many men who do NOT cheat. This is because they are grown up, and have a deeper emotional connection with what they consider important. What ever the temptation.

KatieScarlett2833 · 03/09/2013 11:42

An honour?
FFS
Shock

Chyochan · 03/09/2013 12:19

Why do they deny it, it seems to make no sense. Could it be a reaction to you challenging the nice little fantasy he was enjoying so much, that hes this great desirable guy, that has enraged him, so the disrespect shown in blatent lying is a way to hurt you. You should see it as his last ditch attempt to controle and belittle you, let him know it hasn't a chance in hell of working.

worsestershiresauce · 03/09/2013 15:44

Fireplaces I hope you're feeling ok this week. Thinking of you.

Zoe909 · 03/09/2013 16:20

mumsie, being celibate doesn't mean you can't be happy, confident and secure. I'm celibate at the moment, no idea what's around the corner, and I don't mind that. Anything could happen, but I'm in control of it. As in, I don't have to put up with being lied to or cheated on or disrespected again, and that's nice. I'm just getting to the point now where I've recovered from the financial blast and the children are happy and we are so over it..... I feel genuine pity for somebody who rocks up on a thread like this and advises somebody to just suck it up because they have to Hmm you must have a very low self-esteem. We get what we tolerate they say.

ImpulsePineapple · 03/09/2013 16:37

Celibate is lovely Smile don't knock it.

Thinking of you fireplaces, hope you are ok.

clam · 03/09/2013 17:58

"You let them feel they are THE HEAD"

Do you? Hmm I don't. Because my dh and I are absolute equals OK, I'm the head.

ChasedByBees · 03/09/2013 18:02

What the hell?!

balia · 03/09/2013 19:21

I'm not sure that is how the saying goes, exactly.

Still, managing to be rampantly sexist and offensive to women, all in one post. Not a lot of energy left for coherence, I expect.

Hey Fireplaces hope you and the DCs are OK.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 03/09/2013 20:12

Hi, am still reading the thread updates.
Have spent a lot of time crying. Have been to Relate for initial assessment appointment. She was actually very good. I have also seen a psychotherapist for counselling. She was brilliant, really helpful.
I am trying to have a theme of "be nice to myself". It's all so difficult.
Xxx

OP posts:
onefewernow · 03/09/2013 20:36

Well done FP.

I have a great Relate counsellor too- they vary, and are not all crap.

There is a great book on infidelity by Frank Pittman, called Beyond Betrayal, if you are interested.

Also one on break ups which has a great reputation called Getting Past your Break up, by Susan Elliott- worth a read, whatever you eventually decide.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/09/2013 21:15

Glad that there are some positives in your last post, Fire, even if it is still very difficult.

Keeping you in my thoughts

TigsytheTiger · 04/09/2013 08:11

Felt compelled to post as I was in your situation exactly a year ago, except my DH denied everything despite my evidence, minimised it, got angry and nasty. I was a wreck I lost a stone and shook constantly. I couldn't imagine a life without him and the future we had planned. It was a physical aching pain and it upsets me a bit now to write it down.

BUT, here I am one whole year later, settled in a new home, rented not bought, but I've realised that is not the be all and end all. Amazing friends who dragged me through the first couple of months and who got angry for me when I just wanted to give up and a supportive family. I had counselling through a domestic abuse group (what a catch he was eh?) . I have met a lovely man, who my kids get on really well with and we have just moved in together.

Out of the shit, I now have a great life, I had to go back to work full-time, it's tiring but I am enjoying it. My life never will be the same again but it is far better, more open and honest and actually he did me a favour !

This isn't meant to be a smug post I just wanted to show their life afterwards and you will be happy again, it's a promise!

TigsytheTiger · 04/09/2013 08:12

There is life after ..... Bloody phone!

lazarusb · 04/09/2013 10:29

Can I just delurk to post that, while celibacy is absolutely a good choice for a lot of people, you don't need to be married to have sex either Smile Even if you happen to be female...

'Honoured' to be married!? I don't think so. I say that as a happily married woman in an equal relationship. I certainly wouldn't be blaming myself if dh decided to cheat though.

Wellwobbly · 04/09/2013 11:38

Hi, what did the Relate counsellor say?

What did the other counsellor say?

Tears - you wonder if they will ever stop. WHY does society trivialise affairs? Heartbreak is physical.