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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this an accusation?

188 replies

HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 10:41

In a long distance relationship for a year. I guess I have been a bit cool with the texts this week as I am a bit strung out alone with the kids off school and don't feel particularly into " sexting". I guess I would feel a bit of a prick if I sent a sexy text and my partner ignored it but that is what I did last night. I basically read it and fell asleep.

Today he texted and said I have let him down. He wants the sexy girl back he fell in love with and he said to be honest I am acting like I am seeing someone else. I have been cool this week as having doubts about him in general. I suppose it is fair he has picked up on this but is it out of order to accuse me of seeing someone else? We have texted and chatted most days but I haven't innitiated this.

OP posts:
Jux · 17/08/2013 22:32

Truth is, you don't need to engage with him at all. You certainly don't need to justify your decisions to him. Please stop doing that! (Try to anyway, I know it's a hard habit to break.)

He is not going to give you a future that is any better than the present he is giving you now.

Please don't think about what to say to him when he says this that or the other. You cannot give him a future without the fundamentals of respect and trust between you. They are missing. Utterly missing.

It doesn't matter what came first, this far down the line, what matters is now. He doesn't trust you or respect you, and I can't see how you could trust him (or respect him) either, but even if you do it's not enough. That sort of one-way traffic gives you the relationship you have now.

You simply cannot promise him anything, because what he wants involves him changing himself, and you simply can't do that for him.

Remember, to end a relationship, it is enough that one person wants to do so.
It is enough to say "this is not what I want and it is ending now."

Be strong now. You won't recognise yourself in 6 months. Or your children.

Jux · 17/08/2013 22:42

X-posted.

Yeah, he's expecting you to start pleading with him. Don't. Don't reply at all. Get a new sim and use that. Don't give him the number. Have emails sent into junk automatically (and don't look).

Give yourself a decent time to find yourself, the essential you. Look at counselling or the Freedom Programme to get your Twunt-Radar retuned, and to get yourself grounded.

Look to the future. You won't meet a decent man if you waste time thinking about this one.

There's only one thing worse than being with an abusive twunt for 7 years, and that's being with an abusive twunt for 7 years and one day.

pictish · 17/08/2013 22:47

He will be expecting you to beg and placate now, and run yourself ragged trying to prove yourself to him.

Don't. Take this opportunity to get rid of this violent, manipulative, selfish, unloving cunt for good.

pictish · 17/08/2013 22:48

He is not going to give you a future that is any better than the present he is giving you now.

Never a truer word spoken.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 23:02

I might twat him with my twunt radar. . Or is that abuse?

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 23:03

When I get my new taunt radar that is . . .

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Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 23:03

Twunt!

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ImpulsePineapple · 17/08/2013 23:18

Excellent! You're free! You could just text 'OK ' if you really wanted to be clear Wink

Wine Cake Freedom!

ImpulsePineapple · 17/08/2013 23:20

Oh, and if you did text that, then do what Jux said. Block him and never answer or engage with him ever again. Also facebook and any other way he may have of getting in touch.

He's HISTORY.

NettleTea · 17/08/2013 23:39

And when you start your NEW future, without him and all his conditions, you can start afresh. And nothing that you did or didnt do 7 years ago will matter one bit.
And there will be nothing that anyone new will be able to bring up to make you feel bad.
Freedom
Freedom Program
Nice new relationship when you are ready...

EldritchCleavage · 18/08/2013 14:24

Hello dear. I second everything everyone else has said about this man.

Let me pose a few of questions for you to ponder (no need actually to answer them on the thread):

Does it matter whose fault it is?
If yes, why?
Even if you ever manage to agree on whose fault it all is, is it likely to make the relationship any better for you?
Why continue this, when he's not nice to you?
How would you feel if your kids saw him at his worst?
Honestly, can you see him ever being happy with you as you are, or will there always be something you need to change?

WhiteandGreen · 18/08/2013 15:48

Have been lurking and just wanted to say what a relief it is to read that it's over.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 18/08/2013 17:34

Thank you. . I haven't blocked him yet and he is sulking and staying away. I keep thinking about the good bits so I am coming back here as an antidote.

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WeAreSeven · 18/08/2013 17:40

Hoopers, just block him!

ImpulsePineapple · 18/08/2013 18:09

he is only interested when I am being the sexy girlfriend

he didn't think it was fair I " complained" to him because they're not his kids.

when I am stressed out with them he looks at me like I have 2 heads. Not sexy I guess!

he's upset cos I didn't invite him camping. Maybe he should have organised, booked and paid for a holiday and invited me and the kids.

He has split up with me 5 times and proposed marriage countless more times.

Really don't feel like jollying out of his sulk this time

he usually turns up on the doorstep and waits there till I come home.

it's laughable

It's always if I do x y or z he will not be insecure and there will no longer be a problem.

He wants to get my eggs counted.

It will involve door banging and nasty texts

He really has said some terrible things in the past few months. I don't think I can stand to hear more as it has such a bad effect on me and I struggle to cope day to day.

I have felt under pressure for a year.

him he is minimilizing his behaviour by trying to make me responsible and a life time of that is not a good choice.

I sometimes think he just wants to come out trumps over the other guy to escape his own inferiority issues

he was going on and on about me having chosen to be with my abusive ex.

wall punching

ALL THAT and you are 'thinking about the good bits'??

Wink

To quote another mumsnetter, "Does he have a solid gold cock?"

IslaValargeone · 18/08/2013 18:13

If you are thinking about the good bits and you haven't blocked him, you are leaving yourself very vulnerable for when he does decide he wants to play.
Think about the shit things and don't give him the opportunity.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 18/08/2013 18:36

I just was whilst stirring the pasta sauce. The bad bits I mean. Also I was thinking, when he said he is sick of me and my auditions, it's like he is telling me our good times together are him desperately trying to put on an act and he finds it hard work. Also, earlier yesterday when he was reminding me what a good guy he is and that he wants to commit and support me as a mum if I will let him in, I have h the MN classic anyone can be nice when they are getting what they want

He said he would stop using the past..

When you decide what we're doing. And what you're willing to do for it. Otherwise its just a case of sitting doing nothing going round in circles until the frustration hits.

By that he meant I should be taking measures to stop him feeling marginilised in a long distance relationship on order to prevent "the frustration" hitting.

He said he would try not using the past and being nasty but couldn't make any promises.

I said, under those circumstances, neither could I.

Don't know if that makes sense but normally at that stage I would have been making bargains of how I would help him feel more secure etc. I didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 18/08/2013 18:38

Sorry for errors, I can preview post on my phone but not make changes

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Twinklestein · 18/08/2013 19:05

Why are you even still talking to him?

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 18/08/2013 19:19

That was yesterday.

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Inertia · 18/08/2013 19:37

You're doing really well to avoid contacting him :)

There's a saying about you'll always get the outcome you've always had if you do the things you always did. If you cave , and pacify him, and let him straight back into your life, then you will get back into exactly the same cycle.
Which seems to be an endless round of recriminations and bargaining. If you cheated then that was wrong, and I understand the point about the cheating spouse having to prove themselves to the other partner - but that doesn't give them the right to be abusive.

If you don't feel strong enough to believe that this is the end, you can tell him that the current situation is not working for either of you so it's best to go no contact while you both consider how to proceed. Then don't contact or respond. Take some time to consider what you want from a relationship and what would work for your family.

Just because he isn't as abusive as your ex doesn't make him the right man for you. In the right relationship there is no abuse at all.

arsenaltilidie · 18/08/2013 20:13

During the dating stage with my Ex. She slept with someone, whilst we hadn't been 'official' at the time I had stopped dating other people and I assumed the same.
Anyway we had a talk and a month later we were official.

However whilst logically she hadn't cheated, it felt like she had. It made me incredibly insecure (inferiority complex), I asked stupid questions was he better in bed, funnier, etc, i was turning into a person that I'm not.
The relationship lasted about a year and a half, when it was great it was incredible but the arguments were terrible. In the end I walked away. I just couldn't get over it.

I sort of understand where you are both coming from, but you need to understand he will NEVER get over it. He will always make your life miserable.

You made a mistake and you need to forgive yourself. It was 7 years ago and you are not the same person.
You need to put him and that chapter behind you and move on.

Jux · 18/08/2013 20:38

You get ultimatums because you made a family with another man.

Well, how are you planning on changing that? The children will be around for the rest of your life, so you're looking at ultimatums for the rest of your life, too. Mind you, he's not interested in the childen as they're not his, so perhaps he thinks you can be persuaded to drop them somewhere along the way. He'll be pulling you every time they need something, won't he? He'll be jumping up and making sure you know he's more important than they are.

Keep your chin up. You can keep away from him. You can do this, really you can.

Twinklestein · 18/08/2013 20:38

Ok, good. (Sorry for being bossy!)

Today is day 1 of the rest of your life...

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 18/08/2013 23:07

Thank you so much. . Innertia great words. arse(n)(al)? so brilliant to hear that perspective.

I may go on a bit now. Just cos I want to chat.

The nature of my cheating 7 years ago was this:

X, the guy I posted about, kept splitting up with me but I was mad about him. He was 10 yrs younger, broke and a bit of a ex student hash head. Y came along and wanted to take care of me and my 2 kids, was great fun, lovely, polite, understanding, generous and crazy about me. So X wanted me back. So I got back with him. But he was still unreliable, unclean and moody as hell. So I ended up breaking up with him and back to Y who had massively upped his game.

I was still in love with X and when he turned up we just cried and loved each other, the full works. To be honest I was scared by the intensity of my feelings got X given his total unsuitability.

I ran off into the sunset with Y who started out the nicest man on earth but turned out to be pretty bat shit crazy controlling narcissist who made mine and my family's lives a crazy nightmare worthy of Emmerdale including DV while pregnant when i wAs with him then a FB profile of me as a child abuser, harassment and stalking, abduction, hacking and bugging. Including him being able to read my texts because he contracted at GCHQ. He told me he was doing it but nobody believed it as they said texts weren't stored. Now we all know they were.

So I ended back with X through him offering his support after the event but then going on to blame me, make me account for all the reasons I didn't get out sooner and calling me a whore because I drove a big Mercedes.

He says I have his future to this man and other such guff and that I should never claim to have been a victim because what happened was a result of choices I made.

Phew

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