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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this an accusation?

188 replies

HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 10:41

In a long distance relationship for a year. I guess I have been a bit cool with the texts this week as I am a bit strung out alone with the kids off school and don't feel particularly into " sexting". I guess I would feel a bit of a prick if I sent a sexy text and my partner ignored it but that is what I did last night. I basically read it and fell asleep.

Today he texted and said I have let him down. He wants the sexy girl back he fell in love with and he said to be honest I am acting like I am seeing someone else. I have been cool this week as having doubts about him in general. I suppose it is fair he has picked up on this but is it out of order to accuse me of seeing someone else? We have texted and chatted most days but I haven't innitiated this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 21:45

*if

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 22:01

I am not so much frightened of him but I really don't want to have to involve the police if he won't go away. I had a year of it 2 years back from an ex. I really don't want to involve the police. It will involve door banging and nasty texts but probably nothing more.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 22:02

then so be it

what are you waiting for ?

Inertia · 15/08/2013 22:11

Well, look. If you tell him straight, now, that the relationship is over and you do not want any further contact and you want him to stay away from your house, then there's now need for him to turn up. If he does turn up and start banging the door then do call the police.

You can't keep taking this man back because you're frightened of his reaction- that's no way to build a relationship.

In the past, he's broken up with you, and you've taken him back and resumed the sex chat-line relationship he's after. This is all working out nicely for him- why would he change?

BTW I would tell him that the relationship is over and you want no contact in a phone call first, then send text or email to confirm. If he does turn nasty and start to harass you , you will have traceable proof that you told him to stay away.

ageofgrandillusion · 15/08/2013 22:14

This thread has got jeremy kyle written all over it.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 22:27

Thanks Inertia. I have dealt with the police and in my experience they are no use except social services have to do follow ups. I had to go down a civil route and even then the police were loath to enforce until it became criminal.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 22:30

I don't understand

this is a LDR, mainly sexting based

it should be as easy go as it was easy come, yes ?

what are you frightened of ?

is there something you are not telling us ?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/08/2013 22:34

That's odd because when I've had dealings with the police they have been VERY keen to get involved, even when I have only phoned to ask for advice. My force has a "zero toerence" attitude to DV and wanted to arrest my ex on the strength of one verbal threat

Jux · 15/08/2013 22:36

Oh please, op, why on earth are you sexy texting a bloke you don't even want to have in your life? Why are you even thinking about not dumping him?

How on earth do you expect to meet someone you do want in your life when you're wasting so much thought and energy on this childish twat who doesn't want you either? He's dumped you 5 times. He doesn't want you. Even if he turns up with a ring and makes a fuss, he doesn't want you. He just wants to use you.

cozietoesie · 15/08/2013 22:42

Loads, AF. Loads.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 22:58

If there is no witness there is nothing the police can do. If the person denies it and says you spoke first it you invited them then they can't do anything either. The same after a harassment warning. The same after a restraining order, unless the person is using electronic communication or abusing you in front of a witness who is willing to give a statement.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 15/08/2013 23:14

My ex said to me that if I "interfered in his life I would be sorry and he knew how to hurt me"

I phoned the police up for advice

They wanted his name and address to arrest him

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 23:19

Did he admit it? My ex was probably arrested about 20 times but he just denied it each time or said I had initiated contact and became upset when he didn't reciprocate or anything really. He knew what to say. The police at one point told me he must be ok or I wouldn't have had kids with him. After they arrested him they always got back and told me his side with what sounded like sympathy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 23:24

Never mind what happened, or didn't happen with your ex

This is today, and you have a different fuckwit to jettison from your life

get on with it

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 23:45

I feel frozen. He really has said some terrible things in the past few months. I don't think I can stand to hear more as it has such a bad effect on me and I struggle to cope day to day. It's like I have no strength left to make a change. I do feel frozen and I don't know what's up with me. I just se to keep this ticking over whilst trying not to invest emotionally. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't even feel able to assess the situation or the relationship.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/08/2013 00:07

Freezing is a common reaction to trauma & stress. Like animals freezing in the headlights...

You're looking after 4 kids that's enough for anyone, I'm not surprised you feel you don't have the strength to deal with a 5th kid & all his dramas.

This guy is not your ex, and it's very unlikely you'll have to go through that particular trauma again.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/08/2013 00:08

Honey, this is not what most of us would call a relationship. Long distance arse demands you entertain him, you comply because your ex terrified you so you can't see the wood from the trees. Present guy is exploiting your vulnerability to effectively force you to keep servicing him. He is not a good sort of person to have in your life or in your children's lives. There's a plain assessment for you.

Run away, run away.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 00:10

Thanks Twinkle

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/08/2013 00:11

You sound like a rabbit caught in the headlights - you know that this situation will end badly if it continues but you are too frightened to make the move which will allow you to escape.

The advantage you may have is that this man presumably doesn't know that you are reluctant to involve the police. It may be that an email or text contact from you that you do not want any further contact (followed up with a message that you consider further contact to be harassment / stalking , if he does contact you) might be enough for him to realise that the police could get involved.

You will get a clearer view of the relationship once you are outside it - but can you honestly see yourself living like this forever? He says awful things to you, treats your children as an inconvenience, frightens you into renewing the relationship whenever you try to break out, and expects you to be his 24/ 7 sex chatline. How is this a sound basis for a future family?

Would you be willing to talk to Women's Aid if you are feeling frightened but won't go to the police?

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 00:12

And thanks Annie

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 00:17

I don't even know what I' m frightened of to be honest.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/08/2013 07:26

I am sorry for being a bit brusque with you upthread, HG.

You do seem to be sabotaging yourself somewhat. Can you see that ?

I recommend a chat with Women's Aid and/or have a look online at the freedom programme

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 08:04

It's ok. I need a kick up the arse.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 16/08/2013 12:24

You sound more like a hostage than a girlfriend Hoopers.
Finish with him, block his number, but not before telling him if he turns up at your place the police will be called.

georgedawes · 16/08/2013 12:28

he sounds awful, definitely get rid

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