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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this an accusation?

188 replies

HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 10:41

In a long distance relationship for a year. I guess I have been a bit cool with the texts this week as I am a bit strung out alone with the kids off school and don't feel particularly into " sexting". I guess I would feel a bit of a prick if I sent a sexy text and my partner ignored it but that is what I did last night. I basically read it and fell asleep.

Today he texted and said I have let him down. He wants the sexy girl back he fell in love with and he said to be honest I am acting like I am seeing someone else. I have been cool this week as having doubts about him in general. I suppose it is fair he has picked up on this but is it out of order to accuse me of seeing someone else? We have texted and chatted most days but I haven't innitiated this.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 08:28

If he could see it as a big deal and not just an understandable reaction to our past then I would be more hopeful. He says he just wants something solid, like an engagement, but I obviously concerned by the wall punching etc.

A few weeks ago I went crazy with him too. I pushed him off a garden chair and screamed in his face after he was going on and on about me having chosen to be with my abusive ex. He says this was abusive of me and I am justifying by saying I was reacting to being called names and blamed.

. I am shocked by myself and have apologised, explained, but doesn't this make me as bad as him? I did feel like I snapped because he was saying all this stuff again just as soon as I started letting my guard down with him. I have never done this before and wanted to talk about it. He doesn't want to talk but brings it up whenever I mention the other incidences. It was after this chair push that he grabbed me by the neck btw.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 17/08/2013 08:48

It doesn't matter if you're as bad as him (although I doubt you are). It doesn't matter if you are imperfect. It doesn't even matter if you're the bitch queen from hell.

You are an adult, and you get to say who you have relationships with. If you don't want this one, all you have to do is to say so. He doesn't live with you, you don't have kids. So its a simple cheerio.

You don't have to analyse it or blame yourself. It's over - so end it.

pictish · 17/08/2013 09:15

Oh GOD! Just stop!!

He has crawled right under your skin!! You don't know your own mind any more! You are accepting behaviour that is abhorrent because he has told you that you deserve it, because you won't do what he tells you to!

He wants complete control over you. He wants you at his disposal at all times. He wants you to provide him with cheap thrills and aquiesence to all his demands, emotionally, physically, spiritually, while he sits on his throne as King Dick.

I remember you posting about this guy before - are you the one who got dumped 5 times after refusing to agree to marry him?

This relationship is SHIT. It is violent, abusive and deeply unhealthy.

WAKE UP!

Tiredemma · 17/08/2013 09:17

What are you doing with each other???

pictish · 17/08/2013 09:37

And no matter what he says...he would have loved the fact that he wound you up enough to tip over his chair, and shout at him. He loves the drama! He is a drama junkie, who thrives on being the centre of your universe at all times, and of course he reckons it gave him licence to throttle you! Good times huh?

Nope. He will chew you up and spit you out in bubbles mate.

LemonPeculiarJones · 17/08/2013 11:53

Oh for gods sake.

Why are you dragging this out? Why do you even need to ask these questions?

Your poor kids. Think of them.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 11:58

My kids aren't around any if this. It was 2 incidences not here. Around the kids it is visits to the zoo and the beach.

OP posts:
pictish · 17/08/2013 12:08

But they will be, won't they? Eventually.

WeAreSeven · 17/08/2013 12:32

Don't make the mistake of thinking that because he's not as abusive as your ex that he's OK really.
He's really, really not OK.

Jux · 17/08/2013 12:35

Oh yes, the winding you up until you snap so he can say you're just the same.

JUST.GET.RID.

For your sanity. For your kids' sanity. For everyone's sanity.

Let him crawl back into his hole and fester by himself.

ImpulsePineapple · 17/08/2013 12:38

Why are you trying to cling onto this and defending him and this nightmare relationship?

Your ex was abusive, you did BRILLIANTLY and left the bastard.

I know it seems cruel and unfair, but this bastard is also abusive, you know what you need to do.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 17/08/2013 18:17

OP I skimmed your other thread and you sound incredibly naive not knowing if someone is abusing you if you are hiding in the bathroom from them and they are punching walls and your DC will pick up on this even if they are not there when you are arguing.

You need some counseling with Womens Aid or you may continue to pick out the abusive bastards, I did for a while too, thankfully now I can spot them by glance even in Tescos etc...and run the other way.

Finish it, a few texts is nothing compared to being with someone like this, keep your mobile handy and 999 if he becomes violent

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 19:00

I don't think I am naive. I think I listen to the sob story and rationale that followed the wall punching. I locked myself in the bathroom not out of fear but to get away from an argument. I may be naive to think I can be in a relationship with some one I cheated on 7 years ago and have an easy time. This is what our arguments are always about so I always feel somewhat in the wrong. I don't think my naïveté is the case. Sorry my phone went all French, I am not up my own arse vraimont!

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Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 19:02

Are there a lot in Tesco's?

OP posts:
Mabelface · 17/08/2013 19:14

A good man will not throw your past in your face.
A good man will not intimidate you into taking him back.
A good man will not accuse you of having affairs for no reason.
A good man will not expect you to provide sex/sexy talk on tap.
A good man will not expect you to be on top of your game 100% of the time.
A good man will not lay a hand on you in anger.
A good man will not call you names.
A good man will not intimidate you with his anger, either by punching walls or throwing things.

A good man will love and cherish you.
A good man will want to help you when you're stressed with the children.
A good man will reassure you of his love.
A good man will realise that you are a person in your own right, with your own mind, feelings and rationale.
A good man will expect you to have friends apart from him.
A good man will love you for who you are and not expect you to change to measure up to his standards.

I don't think you can actually say any of the above about this man.

Jux · 17/08/2013 19:33

You cheated on him 7 years ago. He needs to have forgiven you and put it behind him, decided to trust you, or not.

If he has decided to trust you, then he doesn't need to bring it up again - ever - because he trusts you.

If he doesn't he has no business having a relationship with you now.

He prefers, though, to have a relationship (if you can call it that) and use the past as a weapon to beat you with. He will do this forever.

You need to get rid of him and look forward. Try the Freedom Programme to help you see where your boundaries are warped and reset them. Talk to WA for now.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 20:25

Thankyou for saying that. Please give me your words on his response which I know to be. . "When you give me a future( marriage/child option) then I will forget the past."

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 17/08/2013 21:05

You cannot blackmail people into relationships, they don't work like that.

In order to forgive you, you have to marry him? Wft? If he forgave you he'd do so now, if he can't he never will.

Can't you see that this is all simply a tactic to get you under his control? If you marry him, you have no guarantee whatsoever that he will forgive you & if he doesn't, you've got the hassle of divorce.

Personally I think he's only in this for revenge & sexts...

In a normal healthy relationship it would be - 'I have forgiven you, it's all past, our relationship is so great now that it makes sense to take it to the next level'. Instead you're getting 'skank', 'whore' & throat grabbing...

You don't need to be given words to respond to his nonsense, you just need to give him the boot for good & then you don't have to deal with this shit any more!

ImpulsePineapple · 17/08/2013 21:21

Who the fuck does he think he is?

This WHEN you do this THEN I will do that bollocks is nasty, abusive and controlling. No. It's not on.

Just tell him to do one with his bloody conditions. You are worth more.

(and I am worried about your children, they see far more than you know, and your mood being damaged by this man WILL affect them)

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 21:27

He bangs on about my past effecting his future and while it does the past will always be a problem. He says this,

Its stopped once we move forward because we'll be moving forward not sitting on yours and his past.

And

You get ultimatums because you made a family with another man.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 21:29

I am not stupid. I think I just feel guilty and worn down. Reading what you all say is a brilliant antidote

OP posts:
ImpulsePineapple · 17/08/2013 21:59

You're not stupid. You've just been overwhelmed by his nonsense. I think it's known as spaghetti head.

Try and consciously detach from it, when he says something that sounds mad, it probably is. Don't comment, just listen as it gets madder and madder. This will give you the strength that it is NOT YOU.

Alternatively, just text him now, that you're done. Because you are, aren't you?

pictish · 17/08/2013 22:10

You just feel guilty and worn down.
That is not by accident you know.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 17/08/2013 22:21

I don't need to say we're done. Because I said no to this weekend and am away the next he kindly sent this

You made your decision by not seeing me for another month. Waste of my time and money again. Ive had enough of your auditions. I'll just get with someone else who i can trust

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 17/08/2013 22:24

Technically that's more of a threat than an ending...

You are going to have spell it out & then change your number.

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