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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this an accusation?

188 replies

HoopersGinger · 15/08/2013 10:41

In a long distance relationship for a year. I guess I have been a bit cool with the texts this week as I am a bit strung out alone with the kids off school and don't feel particularly into " sexting". I guess I would feel a bit of a prick if I sent a sexy text and my partner ignored it but that is what I did last night. I basically read it and fell asleep.

Today he texted and said I have let him down. He wants the sexy girl back he fell in love with and he said to be honest I am acting like I am seeing someone else. I have been cool this week as having doubts about him in general. I suppose it is fair he has picked up on this but is it out of order to accuse me of seeing someone else? We have texted and chatted most days but I haven't innitiated this.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 13:23

What sounds so bad about him? That he turns up? I have told him not to come tonight.

OP posts:
CastroIsDead · 16/08/2013 13:31

what sounds so bad is that he doesn't accept your kids, wants you to be sexy girlfriend all the time rather than the inevitable frazzled mum sometimes, maybe if you were getting emotional support it would be easier.
yes it is an accusation and the fact he jumps to the conclusion you must be seeing someone else which is more than insulting suggests he can't see any fault in his own behaviour. it must be you, you must be having an affair. he could also be projecting as far as accusations like that go.
then there's the turning up which is disrespectful to your opinion and boundaries.
don't really know why you're asking what's so bad??

EldritchCleavage · 16/08/2013 14:59

He puts pressure on you to do what HE wants, without it seems thinking of you. If you don't, he just ups the pressure-with more texts, or by turning up. It's not caring, or respectful.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 15:45

I have felt under pressure for a year.

OP posts:
Jux · 16/08/2013 16:05

He has been taking advantage of you for longer than that then.

Please think about what people have said about him.

He is showing no respect for you, what you want, what you have to cope with in your life. He is unsupportive of your need to be a mum to your children. He uninterested in anything you want or need. He dumps you and then frightens you into taking him back. He doesn't give a shit about you, the real you. What he wants is a female to service his needs, without baggage, without needs of her own.

Text him "look here, fuckwit. Get out of my life. I don't want to see hide nor hair of you. Do not bother me again. I shall consider any further contact from you as harrassment and act accordingly".

That'll burn your bridges so you can't go back on it.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 19:40

This is the back story www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1818199-Is-there-any-excuse-for-abuse

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 19:40

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1818199-Is-there-any-excuse-for-abuse

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/08/2013 19:47

Okaay now I understand why you're worrying about him kicking off.

He's not just an arse, but an abusive arse.

If you need help getting rid of him, then call Women's Aid.

I know that the police can sometimes not be helpful, but this is a different guy, & if you have to call for police assistance you may not have to deal with any police officer immediately that you dealt with before over your ex.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 19:48

I am not trying to make him look worse i want it taken into account that years ago I cheated on him and left him for the abusive man. So he tries to deal with that but says it has left him feeling he is ways auditioning for a role and he's never good enough.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/08/2013 19:53

It doesn't matter if you cheated on him with the whole of London, (not that you would) there is no excuse for abuse..

He's right, he's not good enough, but not because he didn't measure up to an abusive ex, but because he's abusive too!

Now I get why you feel frozen. This is all far too much stress.

Checkout the Freedom Programme (posted upthread I think) & please get some help getting rid of him.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 20:12

I have to say these were isolated incidents that I thought we maybe had to deal with as a reaction to what I had done. But I am now seriously blaming myself for the whole mess and maybe I should. But I really want him( or someone) to tell me it's all ok now. Not keep going over and over how I could have done things differently because I do that already. I don't just let myself off the hook. Everytime time I say no he brings the past up. He says the past will no longer matter if I give us a future but I see it the other way round.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 20:20

He isn't disinterested in the kids btw. I just took what he said to heart.He is pretty great with them. It's just I think I have to be his dream girl and I am just 80% stressed out mum. It's probably because I try to keep things nice all the time. He misses me, spends anytime he can with us. I just get so hurt by the stuff he periodically says I don't think I can keep bouncing back.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 20:25

I do think its my fault but I never say that to him. Even today he said if I take responsibility for the past we can move on. I told him he is minimilizing his behaviour by trying to make me responsible and a life time of that is not a good choice.

OP posts:
OctopusPete8 · 16/08/2013 20:43

Oh dear, he sounds like he wants a single girl with nothing else going on in her life but him,

even then they could be tired from work so he's probably still whinge.

Twinklestein · 16/08/2013 21:21

You have to stop all of this NOW. These abusive incidents had nothing to do with anything you have done, nothing to do the past, they're soley to do with the fact he's an abusive, manipulative arsehole.

Having read your other thread earlier, this situation is far worse than you have presented it in this current thread.

Everything he is saying is to beat you down, drive you crazy, get control of you, confuse you, so he can manipulate you further.

You cannot browbeat someone into a relationship by saying that it will redeem the past. It's all horseshit. You don't need to redeem it. You made a choice you regret, it's nothing to do with him, & it's over.

You have to let go of all this madness that is coming from him.

Please, please, please call Women's Aid tonight. Make a deadline to chuck him buy & ring the police if necessary. You to get out of this immediately because he will drive you to a breakdown.

Twinklestein · 16/08/2013 21:22

by ^

Tiredemma · 16/08/2013 21:26

The bloke sounds like a bit of a cunt tbh.

ImpulsePineapple · 16/08/2013 21:31

Sweetheart, you are a grown woman and a mother of 4. You have no ties to this nasty chancer.

"This is not longer working as a relationshiop for me, please don't come to the house. We're over now"

TEXT THAT. Then you are free and clear. If he turns up you have proof you didn't invite him, call the police, do not open the door. If he is sitting on your doorstep drive/walk round the block and call the police from somewhere else.

He has NO RIGHT to make you feel like this. Fucking cheek. I'm so angry for you. Get angry.

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 21:52

I know I should get angry. Maybe I just feel guilty and stupid for being that person. I felt good about escaping the ex but now I don't know if I should take responsibility. I don't want sympathy but what do I have a right to expect from the man I am with now? Not sympathy but understanding maybe? I sometimes think he just wants to come out trumps over the other guy to escape his own inferiority issues and its not about me at all. I really wish I could get angry. Posting on here so not engaging with him. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/08/2013 22:14

I agree it's not about you at all. It's about him, his problems, his abuse.

You have a right not to be called a skank & a whore, not to be grabbed by the throat, not to be blamed for a past abusive relationship, not for it to be used to blackmail you into a current one.

You have a right not to have a past abusive relationship to be used as current justification of current abuse.

You cannot take responsibility for a previous partner's abuse. That's bollocks. Either he's genuinely believes that & he's a cunt, or he doesn't, and he's using that to abuse you himself. (I suspect the latter).

ImpulsePineapple · 16/08/2013 22:21

I'm the WORST for guilt. Really, after one date I feel HORRIBLE about saying no thank you and not dating them again. Literally all of the angst.

BUT

if he cared about you, he would be kind, supportive, understanding, and listen to you when you moan about the kids. Does he do this? No. He wants 'sexy girlfriend'. Why? because he is a selfish twat using you for wanking himself to sleep.

He doesn't care about you darling, outside of getting himself off. Sorry. I'm being harsh. But it means YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CARE ABOUT HIM. So don't. Bin the fuck out of this 'relationship' that is only benefiting him and not you. And don't feel one bit guilty x

Original poster
HoopersGinger · 16/08/2013 23:31

I am going to bin sexy girlfriend too I reckon. My friend told me today that her sister's boyfriend called her a slag in an argument. I was shocked! Why am I not shocked when it happens to me? I am on an intellectual level. Surely this guy can't be all bad. I am " baggage" on legs. He is 10 years younger and good looking. He misses me and kind of looks up to me on one level. Or do these men have to be with someone they " look up to" to do the knocking down bit?

OP posts:
ImpulsePineapple · 17/08/2013 00:10

Seriously love, he's horrible to you. Why?

You are a an intelligent grown up, and deserve a respectful relationship. He's a baby. Leave him to grow up or not, he's not your problem.

IGNORE HIM AND MOVE ON X

Jux · 17/08/2013 00:34

Yes, it's more of a victory for them if they can triumph over someone they see as being stronger/superior in some way. Makes him feel like a big man.

He is a skunk. But that's insulting skunks.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 17/08/2013 07:50

Oh dear. Joining my voice with others saying he is awful and abusive. Please call women's aid, they will help you to deal with this situation.

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