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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

MikeOxard · 01/09/2013 17:39

"Our fault"??! The cheek of him! Well done for telling him in no uncertain terms this is not "our" fault, it's 100% his fault.

I can't wait to see what's in his letter tbh. My money is on:

Some more lies about what 'really' happened,
Some guilt tripping about the future/kids,
A shitty 'heartfelt' apology
Some shit that explains why you should actually be feeling sorry for him because he's soooooo sad.

We can help you draft a reply if you want!

Your bf sounds totally crap. Sounds like she's being a better friend to him than you! Hope you can arrange something more fun for next time. If you're reaaaaaally bored, you could always hang out with me - I'm on the south coast, haha! x

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 17:40

I was so hoping I was wrong about your "friend" but tbh it was as clear as the nose on my face she wasn't a true friend to you.

What are you going to do now?

BTW I don't think there is anything wrong in children seeing that mummy cries sometimes. They have to learnt that you have feelings too

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/09/2013 17:47

Very sorry he didn't have the grace today to take the twins out or at least clear off afterwards without bending your ear. Bluster and spite from the man who doesn't know what integrity is or what loyalty means. Ignore.

I hope he wasn't using access to twins' time to snoop.

I forget if "B"F is single or attached? Sorry she wasn't the friend you thought she was. Another blow but better to find out early on so you're not innocently updating her only to discover later she's trotted off to report to H.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/09/2013 17:47

I hope he wasn't using access to twins' time to snoop.

Doha · 01/09/2013 18:00

Hold onto the vision of the DH that you hate Dreaming because that is who he is now-not the lovely man you married-but a lying cheating bastard. The old DH has gone forever.
This vision will keep you angry and keep you focused in the days ahead. Get to a solicitor, get the ball rolling. Refuse to take any blame for HIS affair and show him you are not falling for any bullshit anymore.

As for your supposed BF--dump her as well but make sure she knows and everyone else knows what a snake she is and how badly she has let you and your DT's down. No second chances for her either.

FrancescaBell · 01/09/2013 18:11

Regarding your friend, this is why it would be a terrible idea to even entertain couples counselling with him. Most counsellors seem to be women and your husband is extaordinarily manipulative. Unfortunately he seems to be able to get women 'on side' and sympathising with him, even though his behaviour is disgraceful.

I know it defies logic that the OW as a fellow woman could ever think he was in the right staying with her for half the week while he left his wife coping with two babies on her own, but there you have it. He appears to be able to get normally sensible women (your friend) to feel sorry for him, doesn't he?

I know it's upset you today, but I'm rather relieved he was this awful. If he'd turned on his little-boy-lost routine and had play-acted contrition, I fear you may have caved.

Got the passwords now?

Be on the phone to a solicitor first thing in the morning won't you?

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 18:16

dreaming I am sorry you had such a shit day, but really, it's not surprising

you are passively waiting for the axe to fall, and in the meantime you are dying by a thousand cuts

please let this be your impetus to get the professionals involved

ring a solicitor first thing tomorrow

onefewernow · 01/09/2013 18:22

" he is not the lovely man you married".

It's likely he never was. It's likely he was and is a man who is charming and great company; one of those men who is witty and clever. He developed his personality I imagine as a means to get a heap of positive feedback from others. Which he craves.

However, a couple of babies and the stress of family life has outed him. The sun was not shining on him quite so positively any more, so he had to find someone to make good the gap - of making him feel good about himself.

It is an old story with selfish men and a new family.

He won't wish to acknowledge this world view. He probably doesn't have the self knowledge. Therefore, now that he is finding you not as instantly forgiving as he had expected, he is demanding that you share the blame.

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 18:27

Oh - and getting a solicitor is going to adjust his attitude a lot as well as shifting a lot of the trouble away from yourself. ('Notify my solicitor'/'Speak to my solicitor' and so on.)

It sounds very much as if he's currently trying to isolate you and browbeat you. He doesn't want you to get a solicitor and go formal on this because then he starts to lose his power over you and the DCs.

Don't let him win on this one.

LoisPuddingLane · 01/09/2013 18:42

I've read and kept up with the thread but I still feel I don't know what is going on, so you must be much worse, OP. As I understand it, he's been spending half the week with this woman, and likely is living there now...yet he's going on like he's the injured party?

I just don't get why he's all self-pitying when the whole situation is his doing.

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 18:47

It's to do with self-image. He's not a very nice person (understatement) and he's been found out and called on it. He's now in a recovery mode trying to get back that good feeling of everyone liking and respecting him.

LoisPuddingLane · 01/09/2013 18:48

Actually that sort of makes sense.

LoisPuddingLane · 01/09/2013 18:49

I mean, I went out with someone like that once - could not bear to be seen as a "bad man".

Back2Two · 01/09/2013 18:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

perfectstorm · 01/09/2013 18:55

How are you doing, Dreaming?

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 18:57

Sorry - to add. (Doing six things here.)

There's also a control thing going on. He had everything just tickety boo with himself as the centre of a little world which functioned to serve him - and now it's all falling apart so he's scrabbling to restore as much of it as he can.

There's a complex of motivations here.

None of them good.

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:00

I'd be a lot happier if I knew that he'd left the house, perfectstorm. dreaming is real vulnerable right now and that's when predators tend to go for it.

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 01/09/2013 19:05

Oh yes he's playing the nice guy cards everywhere he can - he showed me the texts between himself and BF and she means well but has been totally sucked in.
While on the one hand she's staying dreaming is hurting you've got to be patient, be nice to her etc the underlying tone is a bit buy her some flowers, give her some time, do the counseling she's asking for (even if you don't mean it) and it'll all be tickety boo - chin up old boy.
Unfortunately he's also done the same to my uncle and some of his other friends.
He's charmed them into thinking he just has to go back to being how he was and be contrite and it'll all be ok

OP posts:

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 01/09/2013 19:08

Oh yes he's gone now - he didn't even have the decency to say sorry even though I look a complete mess.

He's left his bank details so I can look at those but only his Ccard

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:08

Oh Lordy. You'll have to do without them then, dreaming. Certainly now, maybe for good.

Are you mentally prepared to phone that solicitor tomorrow?

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 19:09

It doesn't matter that other people are dumb enough to DSL for his charm

This is your life, your choice

Whenever something like this happens the people on the periphery also want things to go back to how they were for reasons of their own

The human condition is to resist change

Do not be swayed by others who have no idea what you are going through

Are you calling in the Big Guns tomorrow, love ?

FrancescaBell · 01/09/2013 19:10

Counselling you're asking for?

You haven't, have you?

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 19:10

fall for his charm

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 19:10

What happens now is down to you and you need to make your own choices in your own time but don't forget to protect yourself and your children.

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:10

x post.

That's good - that he's gone.

So - you can't access the main account? (I'm assuming that that's the account his loan went into?)

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