Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 31/08/2013 13:13

If I were you, embarrassing as it might be, I would contact mutual friends to find out what they know. Often in these situations there are people who have known for a long time but not known whether to come forward. He is probably very afraid of what you will discover and so hedging by not telling you anything yet and seeing what you come up with.

It is a torture, OP, to have someone refuse to tell you how much of your life has been a lie, whilst they scramble around looking for the exit whilst pretending not to do so. He is not an impressive person.

Fairenuff · 31/08/2013 13:15

If he's told his friends anything it will be along the lines of:

The wife's got her knickers in a twist about this bird I work with. She's got it into her head that I fancy her, which I don't. Anyway, I've moved out for a few days to give her time to realise what she's missing. She's telling everyone we've split but that's news to me.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 31/08/2013 13:15

One thing that you definitely have on your side is that he is clearly not very bright.

Fairenuff · 31/08/2013 13:17

And he's putting everything into writing so that you can just hand the emails to your solicitor.

perfectstorm · 31/08/2013 13:21

Sorry, Dreaming, I didn't mean to lose my temper so badly. Blush. I just couldn't believe what I was reading, after how he's behaved to you and how very gentle and reasonable you've been in return. It's staggering, quite honestly.

MissStrawberry · 31/08/2013 13:24

When he said "you" were pushing them into a conversation is was actually setting the scene for blaming YOU for your marriage being over.

Don't you realise yet that you are meant to roll over and forgive the fact he fucked someone else, remember your place and not do anything without his permission?

He really is a prick and your best plan for Monday would be to file for divorce.

Do not talk to him anymore and I wouldn't even bother letting him see the kids for a bit unless they want to see him.

Viking1 · 31/08/2013 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comingintomyown · 31/08/2013 16:51

Have you misworded what he said about the counsellor ? Why cant he just answer your questions re his affair why does it need to be via a counsellor ?

He sounds really self important, like off the scale

DustBunnyFarmer · 31/08/2013 17:01

So sorry you are going through all of this Dreamer. I have been following your thread and wanted to say I think you are doing really well in very difficult circumstances.

With respect to your husband keep this useful phrase to mind and hand if he keeps trying to make this all your fault: "I am not responsible for the decisions YOU (husband) made." HIS choice to start a relationship with OW. HIS choice to run up bills you couldn't afford, necessitating the secret loan. Basically HIS choice to lob a hand grenade into your marriage - it was only a matter of time until it went off. HIS choice not to engage with your perfectly reasonable demands since it all blew up. He's been an absolute shit and deep down he probably knows it. Don't take any of his negativity and bullshit on.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 17:59

I'm not sure why he can't tell me himself - maybe he feels like he needs encouragement - someone who'll be on his side?
He told me when he phoned to talk to the children that he is staying with mutual friends.
I think my BF is getting fed up with his texts she wants to have the children so we can talk Confused

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 18:00

Has he give you access to the credit card/loan statements yet?

I wonder what he has told his friends?

Trigglesx · 31/08/2013 18:03

Just tell your friend to text him back saying "stop texting me. If you continue, I will consider it harassment and contact the police." Pretty easy for him to figure out.

Trigglesx · 31/08/2013 18:10

It does seem that he is still attempting to get you to dance to his tune - so he is refusing to tell you any further unless it's in counselling? You do need to consider that it is most likely you will NEVER know the truth. You DO however know enough to know what an utter dick he is.

Maybe just tell him you're not interested in counselling, you're not interested in the gruesome details of his grubby little affair. He can either hand over the financial information to you now or he will hand it over to your solicitor later. Up to him which way, really, but giving it to you will be infinitely cheaper. (If, obviously, this is the route you plan on going) That pulls the rug out from under him basically.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 18:22

Is anyone else starting to think that what he has to tell her is so big and so awful he feels he needs to do it with a witness present ? Shock

impatienttobemummy · 31/08/2013 18:31

AF that's exactly what I'm worried about!

Trigglesx · 31/08/2013 18:33

I suppose.... possibilities:

  • OW pregnant
  • he remortgaged the house
????
AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 18:38

OP, I don't know what else to say, but had this occurred to you too ?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 18:47

AF I see where you are coming from, but I think, that he just thinks, that if they go to a counsellor s/he will say it's all the OP's fault for being a bad wife and she should forgive him and henceforth act like a proper Stepford wife. sadly that probably is what would happen if they go to Relate

Either way, it wont be nice.

Dreaming - what are you thinking now?

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 18:49

That's a possibility too, chippers

But it just struck me all of a sudden, as a horrible thought. This could be waaaay worse than OP even thinks it is already (and that is fucking bad enough)

inhibernation · 31/08/2013 18:55

I wouldn't usually advise contacting the OW but if you could do you think you might possibly get more info? He's giving so little away.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 31/08/2013 18:55

Yes, it could be :(

Dreaming - tell your friend thank you very much for the offer, but you have absolutely no intention of talking to him right now and that she should feel free to tell him to fuck off and stop harassing her or she will contact the police. Put him in his place, your BF should not be listening to his whining!

Xales · 31/08/2013 18:57

He has completely ignored all the information you asked for.

Instead there is mindless whining to make you feel sorry for him off and 'you won't forgive me' ie you are now to blame for ending the relationship.

Don't engage further about anything else. Simply repeat your questions about their relationship and your request for passwords.

The longer he has to think up an answer (waiting for a counsellor) the more time he will have to perfect what he considers his palatable lies.

Oh and he will probably use counselling to show how you were not giving him enough attention despite his manly working away from home for nights at a time and it is all your fault.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 18:57

I don't understand why your BF is still engaging with him, tbh

I have some very uncharitable ideas of why she could be though

comingintomyown · 31/08/2013 18:58

So what does this look like then.

You discover hes been having an affair.

He refuses, in spite of you asking, to provide you with anything other than the skeleton facts.

You are then expected to wait nicely for whenever this appointment with a counsellor is to then learn who knows what private gut wrenching stuff in front of a stranger in a therapy room somewhere.

Not for me thankyou.

I think he is accustomed to being control and this is another manifestation of it. I would explain you have enough of his nonsense and he had better get round PDQ with passwords full explanations of everything or to fuck off

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 18:59

I did check the mortgage and they said it was all fine - all statements are joint so I presume I'd have to sign to remortgage?
We had ivf due to male factor so unlikely but possible ..... Wouldn't that be ironic Hmm

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread