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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
inhibernation · 31/08/2013 19:02

Agree with coming

perfectstorm · 31/08/2013 19:09

I'm afraid it seems pretty clear that he's not interested in doing the work to save the relationship, and in fact is more bothered about evading any and all consequences for his own appallingly selfish, cruel choices. It's also pretty clear that he will cheerfully remove huge chunks of family money to fund, presumably, his second life. Given the amounts missing I think he may well have been paying a lot of the expenses for the place he's been staying in the week. And the total lack of any guilt or remorse over his behaviour - he's even indignant when you tell people what he's done - indicates he isn't even going to do the token generous stage most errant husbands seem to pass through.

Those facts in combination would be sending me to talk to a solicitor in order to establish my legal position asap. You can't trust him an inch.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2013 19:21

I would do whatever it takes to get that computer combed through. You have to find out the financial details.

I think the bit about the counsellor/third party being present arises from his feeling that he could win this person over and then he and the counsellor could guilt and gaslight Dreaming into line, working together.

I am getting the impression that he really thinks what he has done - whatever it is, however it is going to cost his wife and children emotionally and financially, and for however long and how seriously with the OW - is reasonable and explainable and blamable on Dreaming on many levels.

Despite his protestation that if Dreaming had done one tenth to him of what he had done to her he would hate her forever, I don't think he has an ounce of empathy. That words were written for effect and are not true. If he felt empathy he would (1) not have cheated (2) not have stolen a huge sum from the family (3) having done that, he would be telling all to Dreaming in abject humility and doing all in his power to remedy everything.

cozietoesie · 31/08/2013 19:36

AF

I suspect (hope) that the BF simply doesn't know how to deal with him. He seems like such an aggressive manipulator that she may be outclassed - could probably do with coming here for advice!

I've always thought, though, (see my previous posts) that there was a lot more to come out on this one. And did my best to warn the OP carefully. It would not surprise me in the least, for example, if this was by no means the first affair he had had. As for the rest.....?

You're doing so well, dreaming - even though it may not feel like it while you're in the middle of the thing.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2013 19:44

I too suspect there may be more, and worse.
Although it wouldn't surprise me if this man had decided that what he did was bigger and worse than what anyone else had ever done in the pathetic history of cheating, which would make him The Best.

MissStrawberry · 31/08/2013 20:04

That is what I wondered the other day, AF, but Dreaming didn't agree so I dismissed it but Dreaming I would be very careful about your BF getting too involved in this and maybe enjoying the drama and being involved a bit too much. You need only people who are 100% with you at the moment.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 31/08/2013 22:43

Actually I've just read her text again and can't believe she didn't ask if I was ok!
She's already been won over by his act and seems to be wondering how long before everything just goes back to normal.
Luckily I do have other friends who are actually talking and listening to me.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 31/08/2013 22:50

Cut her out of the loop then. Are you able to see the other friends reasonably soon?

AnyFucker · 31/08/2013 23:06

I would stop confiding in that particular friend, dreaming

I have a feeling there is a 3 way communication going on here

Trigglesx · 01/09/2013 07:39

She has probably reassured him that she will put in a good word for him. I wouldn't confide in her anymore, as she obviously does not have your best interests at heart. Such a shame.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 07:43

I agree too. I didn't think she was a friend to you from the first text she sent. Was just a gut feeling.

onefewernow · 01/09/2013 07:52

Dreaming, I think the most significant thing he says is " so I can tell you everything I WANT YOU TO HEAR".

As someone who once studied language deconstruction, I would say that is an interesting way of expressing himself.

He is telling you that he will remain in charge of the communication, and that you will only hear what he wants you to . It isn't about you hearing what you need, but about what he is willing to communicate, true or otherwise.

He so obviously has been sleeping with her, and probably still is .

Just keep going.

Hissy · 01/09/2013 08:00

Please stop engaging with him. Ignore his text/emails.

You've told him you need space, he's not even allowing you that time to heal a bit.

Text your friend and request that she doesn't text him/get involved, it's not fair on her, and tbh, as he's using her to pressure you, not welcome either.

willdivorcesoon · 01/09/2013 08:25

Stay strong dreaming.

He is showing himself to be a pompous, self righteous and arrogant poor excuse of a man.

what I want you to hear !!!!! I would be spitting mad. How dare he. Not what you deserve to hear as in the truth, oh no, what (and how much) I want you to hear. Wanker. That sentance alone would seal it for me.

What it does tell you is there is much more that he hasn't told you. Else why would be need a counsellor or anyone in the room to tell you anything? If he has told you everything he could have said that. Instead he continues to treat you like dirt and withhold the truth that he doesn't think you deserve to hear.

As for his platitudes. Words are cheap. Very cheap.

I would reply just not even acknowledging any of it, just repeating your request for the access and passwords to the credit card statements and bank accounts.

Trigglesx · 01/09/2013 08:51

"so I can tell you everything I WANT YOU TO HEAR".

Yes, I noticed that too. He still is striving to maintain control. It's telling, really, that he thinks so little of you that he expects to be able to talk you around.

I do think that at some point, dreaming that you will need to cut your losses in order to make it clear to him that you have the upper hand here. He is working on the idea that you want loads of info regarding his cheating. Is it really important? Do you REALLY need to know all this? Yes, I can see if you are planning on trying to fix the marriage that you might want to know, but if you are leaving him, you may need to consider that it's done and you can't change it - move on. The minute you communicate to him that you don't give a rat's ass what he got up to, what he's doing, where he's staying, and so forth, he will realise he no longer has anything to use to talk you around. All the denying, lying, and gaslighting in the world will be of no use if you've already "checked out" of the situation IYSWIM. At the moment, he's banking on the idea that you will do anything to find out what happened - take that away from him. Move past it - you KNOW he's cheated, do you REALLY need to know the details?

Just tell him calmly that you want the financial details as you are legally entitled to them, and he has 24 hours to hand them over. If he doesn't, then you will instruct your solicitor to obtain them from him, which will eventually cost him substantially more in legal fees.

I realise what I'm saying goes against what a lot of people feel - that they want to know what happened. My first husband was abusive and, I suspect, cheated on me. When I left, I didn't care who it was with or what happened - I was just happy to be out of it. Even looking back now, I don't wonder about it. I don't care. He could've cheated with every neighbour in our block of flats and I wouldn't care. It's done, I'm out, and that's what's important.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 01/09/2013 09:33

Just need some virtual support this morning - he's come to have time with the DC and I've come out.

Virtually no sleep last night and stinking headache again.
DS up with a temperature and now panicking that he won't be well for tomorrow when I'm due back to work.

Couldn't even look at H this morning and my DD didn't want me to go Hmm

Have no one to meet today so spending the day shopping/ sitting in the park.

Apparently he's deigning to write me a letter that he wants to drop off personally - I said fine you can put it through the door. God knows what delights will be in it Confused

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 01/09/2013 09:37

Find somewhere nice to settle down with a Sunday paper and a decent coffee and use the time off to relax

Are you not getting tired of his messing about ? I mean fine but why doesnt he just do it why does he need to announce that hes going to write you a letter like its a new edition of the bible hes penning ?

smeraldina · 01/09/2013 09:37

Sending huge amounts of support. Can you find anything to read/go see a movie/anything just to help you get through the day? Are any friends about nearby? Which bit of the Uk are you in? X

smeraldina · 01/09/2013 09:39

Sorry - just saw that you said there is no one to meet. Sunday is a bugger if a day and nothing much is open at 9.30 I know...

smeraldina · 01/09/2013 09:42

I mistrust the faux gravitas of 'a letter' as if ink makes for sincerity. Also 'is writing' - promises promises .... When will it appear ... Power trip to keep you hanging ...

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 01/09/2013 09:45

BF is away this weekend, 2 other friends have newborns and really don't want to trouble them - they know but they have enough on their plates!
Other really good friend lives too far away for just a day trip and the only other person I could meet is giving H a bed. I know that she wouldn't mind but I don't want to put her in an awkward position.
Am on south coast - it's a nice day and I'm sure I'll be fine.

OP posts:
Trigglesx · 01/09/2013 09:51

I wonder what he would say or do if you just said "Don't bother with the letter. I'm not interested in what you have to say. Just drop off the financial paperwork through the mail slot - that's really all that's necessary for me to proceed." He obviously thinks you are hanging on his every utterance to find out what happened - he needs to understand he is not God.

tessa6 · 01/09/2013 09:53

what a coward. Also you shouldn't have to leave your own home. If he wants to spend time with the children he takes them out.

jackmonkey · 01/09/2013 09:56

Hiya dreaming. Today probably sounds very long and lonely. Hopefully you can get some fresh air and clear your mind a bit. I've deliberately logged on this morning to check that you are ok and it sounds like you've had a tough few days. This bit is really hard because everything is so uncertain and frightening, please just remember that the posters on here are real women and genuinely wishing you the best. Baby steps x

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 09:57

Have you got potential arrangements in place for tomorrow just in case DS isn't well enough for you to go to work? The last thing you need today is extra stress so if you could get that sorted out, you'd feel much better, I think.

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