Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

[Imonlydreaming]

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

Were on our Hols too now, but I'll be checking in once a day to see how you are. Courage dreaming. (Hug)

My XH left, then came back for six weeks. During that time he was glued to his mobile every second of the day, he took it everywhere, he slept with it by his side and charged it beside the bed, which he had never done before. When we were on holiday for one of those weeks, he was constantly checking it, put it in the door pocket in the car instead of in the middle where I could see it, he was texting and emailing constantly. I couldnt say anything as I presumed it was work and I had agreed that he could take work messages etc. I was afraid to do or say anything wrong in case he left again. Because I trusted him, the last thing on my mind was that he was contacting another woman behind my back.

Turns out that he was emailing/texting OW the whole time through the six weeks and especially during our holiday. Sending her supportive messages telling her that everything was going to be OK, while I was terrified that my marriage was falling apart and that it was all my fault.

Keep your eyes open and your wits about you. If he is trying to contact OW, he will find excuses to slip away and take his phone with him and he will constantly be on it. Xh would pop out for milk, or bread, or the paper, or to the car, or be half way to the pool and say he had forgotten something, then take ages to return ..... endless excuses to pop out with his phone.

I hope that your trip is as good as it can be, do it for the DC and sort everything out when you get back

I know it is hard to get out of the WE mindset and into ME or I, but you have to step out of 'we' and focus on the danger to you yourself and protect yourself.

Morning Dreaming, just a quickie to say I'm thinking of you. I hope you are managing to catch some sun and a rest.

How are things OP?

I honestly thought that I'd be updating this thread with a sigh of relief that it was all just in my head.
Despite a lovely week overall, I am none the wiser after our holiday even after carefully probing topics such as money and loans he didn't fess up to the large loan.

I know that you will all think me weak for allowing it but he managed to disappear everyday for one reason or another eg get provisions/ medicine etc

I saw a long message (over his shoulder sort of) on Facebook chat between him and AN Other.

He got a message from a person with the same name as the original text message late at night on Facebook chat. I didn't see it all but it started with "you don't have to be sorry..." And was sent at 11.30

I saw an address keyed into his satnav that matches the name of the person who sent the text and the late night message.

It's all such a mess

So what are you going to do?

I have no idea
I feel paralysed by lack of concrete evidence on the one hand and the total and utter fear of what will happen next.
I can't imagine it

I was thinking of you. And no - you're not weak. Things just don't always work as you thought they might.

How are the DCs?

I think you have got your answer op. The address and Facebook message sounds pretty concrete to me.

Was it a woman's name?

If this is not evidence enough love, what would be?

It is enough, Hissy, but the OP put action off until after the holiday and is now hard up against reality. I think any of us might feel uncertain in her shoes.

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. Please get yourself to a solicitor and get some legal advice. Your husband is having an affair. You need to protect yourself and your DC because it is not uncommon for men to restrict access to bank accounts etc. You might not think he would stoop so low but believe me he could. Just go and have a talk with a solicitor and find out where you stand. Forewarned is forearmed. Please do this. Say nothing to him but please find out where you stand because you need to have the upper hand with someone who lies to you so casually and thinks you are totally stupid. If you don't have any money ring citizens advice and see if they can recommend a solicitor who will give you a first consultation free of charge.

I do not think for one minute that you are stupid. You are a decent woman who wants to believe that he is behaving decently as you do to others. Your marriage could be salvaged even if it is an affair but you need to put your shoulders back and get into the driving seat quickly. I wish you all the best.

That evidence seems pretty concrete to me too dreaming. You are being given every signal here that something is going on, please don't let your desire for everything to be ok blinker you to the point of turning a blind eye and giving him carte balance to continue and perhaps even disappear with this ow and your assets.

There is a time when you have to look at the clues life gives you and do something to take charge and regain your self respect and control in how your life turns out. That time is now, for you. Please, please get a plan together for your next move, don't let it all just happen to you.

Carte Blanche, dammit.

Yes a woman's name
I know it is a lot of evidence but ..... being faced with the reality is almost too much.

DCs are fine - have been thoroughly spoilt and have had a happy holiday.

Of course.

But now you have to do something about it - if not for yourself, for the DCs. You're their main protector now.

I'd get thee to a solicitor right away to see where you stand. The minute you actually get in there and see that professional face across the desk, it will be a whole lot better, believe me. That will calm you a lot.

I think, in all probability, he is having an affair. I am so sorry.

You have to out you and your DCs first - seek legal advice as soon as possible. Check out what benefits you might be able to get. Knowledge is power.

I think any one of us would feel as you do, but I truly believe taking any control that you are ABLE to (get a solicitor, plan of action in your head, financial plan with help of CAB or similar) will help you feel like this is not just something that is happening TO you, but that you can influence. Once you have taken legal advice, know your position and have a plan, you can turn round to him and tell him that you KNOW what is happening and also what will happen next.

If you sit and let it happen to you he'll find it easier to walk away. If he sees you as a strong, confident woman who knows her rights and is not afraid to pay down the law than you will have something to fight back with. (Though personally if I were you I'd run as fast as you can and never look back, because he's a wank badger who doesn't deserve you!!!)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1832763-Daydreamdolly-10-5-months-on-from-husband-leaving-for-other-woman

Also, may be worth you getting in touch with other posters such as this one, who will probably have a tonne of advice for you?

When he sees you as a strong confident women who knows her rights he will shit his pants, start crying, tell you that you and the DC are his world and that he can't live without you. His OW will run a mile in the opposite direction when she realises you are entitled to half of what you own and that she will be minding your DC at weekends. Unless you do this you will always be a victim. I hope I don't sound harsh but it is just that I have seen this too many times. Try to stay calm and be in control of your own future. Make sure you close down your laptop and delete your history because you need to be canny. Good luck!

Oh sweetheart, you poor thing. I'm not sure you realize that you have the evidence. It's overwhelming. Even the first text is pretty decisive, let alone all this other circumstantial evidence. I think you need to say that based on that text (which you clearly say and is someone saying I LOVE YOU to your husband for god's sake) you need immediate access to his phone and facebook without him leaving the room or deleting anything. Just be vulnerable and honest, not angry or teary. If he won't, you have the answer.

This doesnt sound good - the sms, lock on his phone, staying away etc. 1,15 min is very little to travel to work. I live in London so its very normal time.
My partner never stayed away for night even if he had to travel 2h one way.

Darling - u need to talk to him. Tonight.