Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

[Imonlydreaming]

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

Oh that's horrible, I'm so sorry to read your update. I really think that you need to access his phone, Facebook and anything else you can somehow. Wait till he's sleeping! Don't confront him, arm yourself with everything you can first.

I'm really sorry. x

If I were you, I would sit him down at a time when you wont be interrupted and say that the 'I love you' message has been on your mind and is causing you a lot of anxiety and worry so could you check his phone and his ipad just so you can put your mind at rest.

If he refuses you have your answer.

If he cared about you and his family he would do anything to make you feel at ease.

Have someone with you if you do not think you are strong enough but IMO his reaction will be all the answer you need.

Oh and if he refuses to let you have access there and then, (not an hour later or a day later!) then kick him out.

Good luck.

I'm not having a pop, far from it, rather that I know that putting this stuff off is way more excruciating than actually facing it head on.

Until that step is taken it's all fear of the unknown, imagining the worst and mental self torture.

Better to face the truth, and deal with it.

Again, I know that's hard, but not as hard as putting it off is. Once that's been overcome, you can start to heal, you can get support and having it out in the open means thins can get to a normality that does get better.

I wish you all the strength in thé world OP, and hope that soon you'll feel better than you do today.

I don't think anyone would imagine you're having a pop, Hissy. You've been with this thread since the beginning and seen the OP's problems - which are the same problems so many of us have faced after all.

I would agree. The time for putting things off is now past for her.

It's hard to believe someone you love so much, someone you thought loved you so much would actually do this to you isn't it :(

Sadly, many of us have been where you are.

No matter how much you trust him to do the 'right thing by you and the kids' please listen to us when we say you can no longer stand behind that. He isn't the man you thought he was :( Don't let him fuck you financially as well.

I wouldn't say a single thing yet. I would wait until he's at work, get your hands on as much info as you can, speak to the bank and make your savings account 'both signatures required to remove money' and take any money out of your current account, over and above what is needed for direct debits. Speak to a solicitor and then take it from there.

He has had time to plan - you haven't. Make sure you uncover anything else he may have hidden (other loans etc).

You can ask him for his phone and facebook etc later - first you need to get right behind the 8 ball.

Oh good! Glad you didn't think I was. Posts don't convey how we want them to sound, do they?

:)

I hope that the lovely dreaming can find that ice cold place where all becomes clear, and she gets back into the position of power she's actually in!

dreaming, atm he thinks you're in the dark. That he's got a secret you don't know about. Oooh, the illicit thrill.

But you do know more than he thinks you do.

Knowledge is power.

The other thing is that unless you go in hard, he's not going to take you seriously.

Personally, upon returning from holiday, i'd have asked for his front door key, got the kids in and told him to take his suitcase with him somewhere else.

Shock and surprise are thé greatest weapons.

Without a massive shock. Many cheats don't stop their liés, and think they can manage, damage limit and fluff their way through this all until it all blows over.

He thinks you'll stick by him, and put up with him no matter what.

You need to pull that rug from under his feet. Even if you don't want to.

It's a tactic to regain power, control and will empower you in so many ways.

Around 2 hours commute...and he needs to stay away a few nights a week...when you have toddlers to look after.

Sorry op that's dodgy as hell and everything in your op positively screams affair.

Also the fact you seem scared to bring it up with him. I think you should listen to your niggle.

I think you need to either do a bit of digging or confront him. If the niggle is right it will hurt, but a lot less than dragging it out would.

If it's wrong then you have saved yourself months of anxiety over nothing and your partner may realise he is being selfish and needs to be at home/ make you feel more loved.

I would explain to him exactly what you have said in your op. Write it down in list form if you think you will get flustered and forget all the little things that are making you worry. then ask him for his phone passcode and look at it right there and then, phone call records, texts, emails etc.

If he has nothing to hide and wants to reassure you then he will happily show you.

Ah just saw your update op

Still think you should ask him for passwords/ the passcode to reassure you.

Or hell, if you really think he won't show you, and you really need concrete proof to get your head around....

snatch the bastard thing out of his hand when he goes to use it and peg it to a locked bathroom.

(By the way, yes I have done that. With an ex. I'm not ashamed. And I am glad I did it, it gave me the peace of mind I needed and the resolve to leave the cheating son of a bitch)

Channel your inner ninja

If you have a joint account and use online banking be aware that he can withdraw/move all the funds into another account just with your password. He won't have to go into the bank and show two signatures. This recently happened to another MN whose husband went off with a 19 year old. Don't let that happen to you.

Only up to £10,000 I think, whitesugar. ('Only' - hollow laughter.) Over that, you're still talking cheque.

Cozie thanks for update. I didn't know that probably because I never had £10,000 that could be nicked. It seems crazy that banks allow one person to do this online.

It's pretty much fiction territory for most people. Doesn't mean that things can't be 'organized' on paper real easily by someone though. Just that that needs a bit more time.

The OP needs to see a solicitor real quickly.

And dreaming - lest you feel in any way embarrassed by going to a solicitor. Judging by the many I've known, I think they might be discomfited if you walked into their office stark naked singing 'Old Macdonald had a farm'. They've usually had to deal with most anything else.

You'll feel a lot better after you've gone.

Thinking of you OP. Can't help but feel you need to get this into the open.

Oh Dreaming that is shit- I'm sorry.

I would say .that It all adds up to pretty hard evidence

Did you, at any point, ask to borrow his phone whilst on holiday?

In your shoes, would do this.

1. Go to the CAB tomorrow and get your free 30 min appointment with a family solicitor.

2.Take photocopies of every bit of finance related paperwork you can find.

1. Put DC to bed and ask him to log onto his Facebook and give you his phone. If he starts blustering, tell him you have made a solicitors appointment and this is his ONE AND ONLY chance, to convince you that you are mistaken in your assumption that he is having an affair.

1. All the time you are doing this, pretend you are someone else. Act brave, even of you don't feel it because this is the only way you will eve get to the bottom of what has been going on.

1. Expect lies and minimising. Remind him again that this is his ONE CHANCE of potentially reducing the fall out and he needs to give you 100% of the truth.

1. Cuddle your DC/call your mum/come here and LEAN ON OTHERS for strength and you WILL get through this.

At the very least, he is having an EA. The idiot.

Sorry to read your update. I think you have all the evidence that you need. You need to confront him and stand firm in the face if his denials. You are not stupid you know what you saw, if he denies it, ask him to unlock the phone and hand it over. If he refuses, you have your answer and you can tell him that.

If he continues to deny it, ask him to leave.

I know how you are feeling, it's a huge shock and you don't want to turn your life upside down. But if you take control you will feel better than if he suddenly walks out one day soon.

You need to find the strength to let him know that you won't put up with being treated like this.

So sorry to hear this. It hurts so much.

Although you have the 'emotional' evidence, you don't have enough hard evidence yet.

Send him a text/email about tax returns or summat regarding financials, to establish that you are a team. Then, continue your reading everything you can regarding the financials and the house and copy them (the text PROVES that you have the copies with his permission this is important court wise). Start squirrelling cash from shopping.

Don't win the battle to lose the war. I am not talking emotions here. Think long term.
Then: hire a PI to follow him to said address and hopefully you will get some pictures of them having a smooch hug 'I've missed you so much' .

With the papers and the hard evidence, BAM! Throw him out on the spot. Let OW deal with his shock and depression of losing his family. Let him mope around in her space!

But before this, YOU MUST have 1. seen a solicitor, 2. apply for an urgent court application for funds. If he is anyone in his company people finding out is a big compliance ball squeeze. PLEASE PROTECT YOURSELF.

Emotionally, in the mean time the only thing you can do is during a quiet time in bed say to him 'Jim (or whatever his name is), have you ever done something you feel really bad about, that has moved you away from being the man you want to be?' and wait IN SILENCE. Do not speak after this point at all.

If he is capable of decency it might be the impetus for him to start thinking. But don't hold your breath. OWs are very very addictive and like Skye said, are more important to them than their own children and family.

Imonly, I am so sorry. I tried very hard in a pathetic co-dependent fashion for 4 years to keep my family together after the discovery of nasty behaviour and a breathtakingly disrespectful affair (conducted in my house, the kids and OUR bed). He did not change at all, and I woke up to how selfish he always was.

If with the shock of steely and determined behaviour your H worked really hard and looked at himself and showed remorse, then your marriage might get better.

But the odds are very low and affairs devastate everything. We are here for you... You WILL survive.

Dear goodness, Wellwobbly. But you came out the other side, eh?

One of the problems is, dreaming, that you're likely actually in the middle of grieving at the moment. (For what you did have and also what you thought you had.) That can make you feel a bit sick and despairing as true loss always does.

You'll manage - as Wellwobbly said and shows.....You WILL survive. For your DCs as well as yourself.

We're all here for you.

I have read this entire thread but apologies if I have missed any information.
is your dh a partner in his business? If this woman was a man would this contact still be suspicious? Maybe he has to be in contact for work purposes? Is it possible the loan was an investment for work?
I am not making excuses for him but the picture of his job is so unclear, he seems to do a lot of hours for someone who needed a loan. How much was it?

Hi dreaming, just checking in to see how you are this morning. I hope you got some sleep, and that you are managing to take all of this in and process some of it. Really just wanted to send you a hug, this must be such an emotional roller coaster for you. X

I hope you are ok it is very difficult to look this kind of thing in the face and believe it is happening to you

Just work to your own timetable and remember we are all here to support you , many of us having gone through the same or similar

Just so confused - hes being so nice, but rather protective of his iPad/phone
I still think the information I have is a bit flimsy and there's a chance he could "explain it away"
God I really don't want to be here and I am so sorry for anyone else who has been in this position of doubt and turmoil

I have been lurking and your evidence is anything but flimsy. This mat be a bad idea but if you want definite proof get a PI for the next time he is away overnight...
However fro what you have posted l don't think it looks good.

dreaming

Let me quote you?

' .........but he managed to disappear everyday for one reason or another eg get provisions/ medicine etc

I saw a long message (over his shoulder sort of) on Facebook chat between him and AN Other.

He got a message from a person with the same name as the original text message late at night on Facebook chat. I didn't see it all but it started with "you don't have to be sorry..." And was sent at 11.30

I saw an address keyed into his satnav that matches the name of the person who sent the text and the late night message.'

Added to the staying over, the 'I Love You' text, the large 'forgotten' bonus, the large undeclared loan etc etc ................

I'm sorry but taken together, those are by no means flimsy.

Hi other posters, regarding 'flimsy' I was NOT saying 'you are dreaming'.

I said: you have a lot of emotional evidence (that it is real). She knows and we know.

But I don't know how many of you have been cheated on?

Their capacity to twist, lie, deny, turn it back on you, minimise, make out you are crazy etc etc is .

It is EYE-WATERING and A COMPLETE MINDFUCK (if you are allowed to say that on MN).

So that is why I advocated 'hard evidence'. Something he simply cannot wriggle out of or turn the tables away from the spotlight being firmly on HIS BEHAVIOUR.