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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 17:47

We're holidaying in UK -
Mine and DCs stuff ready to go as much as possible - have a pile of washing from DS who is "getting there" with the potty training - no doubt there'll be a few more bits before bedtime!!

Thing is I'm sure he did have to stay later this evening due to work but it just grates on top everything else Confused

OP posts:
intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 16/08/2013 17:56

Hi there - have just come across this thread. Lots of sympathy - I am dealing with this myself, but several weeks ahead of you, and starting to come through. Listen to your gut instinct, keep your eyes open and your mouth closed until you are sure, and don't be fobbed off. get angry - it's very empowering.
Oh, and have a lovely holiday for your DC sake.

itsBeer0cl0ck · 16/08/2013 18:27

Hope you're ok. Just read all 11 pages so I'm wishing you well here. I hope the holiday isn't too uncomfortable.

The only comment I can make not made before is that in addition to his rationalising his departure (or potential departure) with comments like 'you don't need me any more' when you have The Big Conversation, when you get the proof, make it clear to him that coping is not the same as not needing help. Maybe you can cope without him but you INSIST that the sacrifices for parenthood be equal. financial, emotional, practical etc............ If he tells you that you don't need him tell him that he needs to understand and accept that you will see to it that the sacrifices for parenting are divided as you 'need' to have them shared out fifty:fifty.

In his current distorted thinking he might throw a backwards glance at the three of you and tell himself 'ah they don't need me, they cope without me'.

IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep · 16/08/2013 18:45

Hi OP, just read this. My only advice would be to be very careful on here, yes the advice and support is wonderful and much needed for a lot of women, but it's also very easy to get sucked in to the "he's cheating!" frame of mind.

The loan is obviously very suspicious but it doesn't necessarily mean he is cheating. If I was you I would keep watching and looking at reactions but try to keep a neutral mind until you get proof.

Good luck.

HappilyChatterly · 16/08/2013 19:03

Just read through the whole thread. I don't have any advice and can't begin to imagine what's going through your mind right now. Even if he isn't cheating with an OW the fact is he has been giving of himself, his time and emotional resources (as well as £10,000+) to something else, as in, not his family. You're right to be upset by this, to be suspicious. What kind of relationship would you have if all the distance (emotional and geographical) between you meant nothing?
I hope you and DC can have a lovely holiday and that any answers you find will give you peace of mind Thanks

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 19:26

I think Ifyoulove and hatterly have summed up the arguments/ thoughts going round my head pretty well!
He's home now - hasn't asked how packing is going, has barely spoken to me and has disappeared upstairs.
At least I have my darling DC

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 19:26

Sorry Happily not hatterly Smile

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 19:34

How was he with the DCs?

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 20:36

He was fine with them - cuddles and getting them excited about the holiday again - he said he's missed them.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 20:38

That's fine.

Hissy · 16/08/2013 20:43

Would it be a good idea to whip out the copies of the loan documents and Say "what else have you got to tell me?"

And then say nothing until he coughs the lot up.

He may or may not have an OW. But he's certainly deceiving you, and cheating you out of the money he's borrowing, as the bonus looks like it's wiped out because of it.

cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 20:46

I wouldn't. I'd let the kids have a good holiday at least. They've been looking forward to it.

clam · 16/08/2013 20:52

ifyoulove It's not the loan that many felt was the red flag re: cheating. It was the text saying "I love you," along with the unnecessary staying away with work for up to 3 nights a week.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 20:58

No I'm not going to do / say anything yet - I want to see how he is when away -
how much time spent on iPad/ contacting work or not. He's already muted that he'll have to check emails etc and for me it's "the married to the job" issue at the moment - because thats what he's presenting it as - and I do want to call him on that.

Once I have this sussed out a bit I can see if/ how it fits with the loan/ bonus.

I know that I won't be marching up to him brandishing anything until I feel in control of what I know and that hopefully very little is left to find. I'd like to have the upper hand in that respect.

OP posts:
IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep · 16/08/2013 21:05

I know clam, I wasn't criticising anyone. Imonly has said the explanation for the text could easily be true and I just want her to be able to keep an even mind on this.

You sound like a lovely lady, Imonly and I hope things turn out well for you Flowers

Hissy · 16/08/2013 21:43

I admire your poise love! You really are so very strong.

Remember that whatever happens, you WILL come through this, and you WILL be ok. You'll be better than ok.

I'm shaking pom poms and cheering for you all the way!

slipperySlip000 · 16/08/2013 22:17

I also admire your poise, OP, you are doing beautifully. Hope the holiday is enlightening for you and fun for your dc, at least.

Yogagirl17 · 16/08/2013 23:02

Agreed OP, you're being strong and doing really well to keep your head. Wanting to wait until you feel in control sounds sensible

I've been thinking about the 'you don't need me' comment. It's the kind of thing that would niggle at me, cheating or no cheating. In a sense he's right - you don't need someone who is unhelpful, emotionally and physically distant and withdrawn from family life. What you DO need is someone loving and supportive and THERE. But clearly at the moment he is none of those things.

Stay strong. I hope the holiday is bearable. Good luck.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 16/08/2013 23:08

Thanks again to you all for constructive advice

I will bring up the staying away while we're on holiday in the context of not wanting to parent on my own all the time (and then he doesn't listen when I try and explain how we've being doing something when he's not been there)
Told him tonight how much the DCs miss him and he didn't say anything.

Well we're off tomorrow I will update if I can/ if there's anything to report

Thanks again to everyone

OP posts:
shootfromthehip · 16/08/2013 23:14

Imonly, I have been lurking here and just want to wish you luck. I'm having some similar issues with my DH and although I don't believe he is having an affair, he is a dishonest man who has opted out of our marriage. I really hope that when confronted he will man up and be honest with you. Good luck and lots of unMN hugs to you

cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 23:14

Try and get either some sleep or some thoroughly physically demanding activity under your belt when you're away.

All the best and I hope the holiday goes as well as possible.

onefewernow · 17/08/2013 00:33

Good luck OP.

Don't forget that what started this was the text he received.

mathanxiety · 17/08/2013 00:51

Please, please try to get over feeling guilty and don't call it snooping.

This is incredibly important business you are doing. There is a huge amount riding on it. For your own sake and for the sake of the children you absolutely need to know what is going on financially and sexually and emotionally with your husband and if he isn't going to tell you then you must find it all out for yourself. No reason to attach guilt to it. Either you two are in this together or you are not and it is imperative that you find out which way it is.

Eat nourishing foods, try to sleep and rest. Stay watchful.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 17/08/2013 01:33

I so want to be wrong. I so want him to just be an overworked idiot with idiotic work mates/friends, who needs to sort his shit out and appreciate his family more. Nothing would make me happier than that. Sadly I think it's highly unlikely :(

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 17/08/2013 05:11

Have a good holiday and good luck with The Chat about his work.