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Original poster

Letting my partner sleep with other women

302 replies

Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:38

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 18:30

Thank you Time, i really appreciate that advice :)

OP posts:
ouryve · 12/08/2013 18:32

Want - if you had come on here saying that you and your DP are reasonably happy together, but you're in a sexual rut and you've been discussing the idea of swinging, you might get some Hmm and you would be guaranteed some disapproval, but you would have a lot more replies saying whatever, but think about the risks before you go ahead.

The fact that you have come here saying that you have been separated for a while and he has been playing away, then give us a load of excuses as to why it's understandable to you that he's been sleeping around rings alarm bells. It's not mutual. He doesn't respect you enough for it to be even handed and for him to make sure that you get just as much pleasure out of such experimentation as he does.

If you really want to experiment with a female partner, then LTB and date some women. If you do that, then he doesn't get to have control over your own sexual enjoyment. You would be doing it to please yourself (and, hopefully, your date) rather than as a pathetic attempt to get back in the good books of a man who is too immature to keep it in his trousers, at whatever cost.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 12/08/2013 18:33

You haven't had a beating.

You chose to reveal your intentions, haven't taken account of what people have said and the potentials pitfalls and your self esteem was already demolished before you wrote your OP due to your pillock of a Husband treating you like shite off his shoe...

BOF · 12/08/2013 18:33

All you would be doing is showing him that he doesn't need to treat you with respect as you will do anything to keep him.

If anything, this will make him more likely to cheat on you again, not less.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 12/08/2013 18:33

I've been following this thread and op, please, please,please don't think this thread has been about trying to knock you down.

The vast majority of posts have been trying to help you.

If it seems as though there has been a lot of blunt talking and aggressiveness it's because the responses have been rather like trying to shout down a car that's heading for a road crash. Desperate in trying to stop you making a terrible mistake.

I would strongly recommend you try counselling together before you go anywhere close to setting up threesomes. Surely it's worth trying that first, in the light of what everyone, especially those with experience of this scene, have been saying?

Phalenopsis · 12/08/2013 18:36

tbh if my self esteem wasnt low before it ceratinly is now after the beating ive had!

OP, the reason some have accused you of being a troll is because many are simply flabbergasted that someone would negate their own feelings to the extent that you are. They can't quite believe that someone would consider the course of action that you are not because they're adverse to group sex although some of them might be, but that you are so willing to subjugate your own feelings to keep/reclaim a man who appears to be a cheating slug.

From what you've posted, you sound as though you have no self esteem and believe that all men are so desperate for sex with nubile cuties, that their wives should let them do whatever they want. That's not the way it works, I'm afraid. If you do manage to find these women who'll sleep with the pair of you, you are going to end up very hurt.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/08/2013 18:37

No-one has given you a beating. You asked a question and you got everyone's honest opinions. Did you expect everyone to say yeah that sounds great? Really? Unfortunatey you don't like what we're saying. Your DH has made you feel low, not us.

HRHwheezing · 12/08/2013 18:41

Do you think you could find another man, who would faithful to you, who you could love as much as you love your husband?

I don't believe in soulmates. I'm a bit too practical for that and it's teenage girl thinking.

If your husband doesn't love you for all your lumps and bumps then find a man who will love you for everything you are.

Tell us what is so fantastic about him.

georgedawes · 12/08/2013 18:43

So where are you going to meet these other women?

Original poster
Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 18:45

Ship, thank you for your heartfelt concern :) I will go away and think through my options, all your opnions have helped me :) Thank you

OP posts:
discolatte · 12/08/2013 18:46

I'm wondering why you would want to be in the bed at the same time as he and his other sexual partner if you are not that interested in sex? That's the bit that makes me think maybe you are adapting yourself to him and maybe you would feel disconnected from your own feelings putting yourself in that situation to try and keep him. If it is a fantasy that you have yourself and would like to try that might liven up the sex life for both of you, fine. But that's not what I'm hearing.

EasyMark · 12/08/2013 18:49

What are you going to do when he want a 3some but without you? Anything to please him right!

What happens when he figuers out a 3some in porn is not like the clumsy really thing where yhe OW is only interested in you?

EasyMark · 12/08/2013 18:50

Will he be watching you with another man?

Angelfootprints · 12/08/2013 18:57

I just don't get this op.

He cheated. He should be begging your for forgiveness and making it up to in a big , big way.

He should be making you feel like a queen. He should be feeling bloody lucky you took him back and realise what he lost and have a determination never, ever to mess up again and lose you.

Instead he wants to screw other woman in front of you? Its all so sleazy and horrible.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 12/08/2013 18:57

Yes, i suppose i am curious about how it would feel to be with a women, and i do fantanise about that

You suppose? You don't sound very sure. You sound like you are trying to convince yourself us. I'm curious about what it would be like to be with a woman, and it has popped into fantasies from time to time. I categorically don't want to have sex with one though, nor do I want to have a real threesome. Fantasy and reality are different. Honestly, truly imagine having sex with your husband and a strange woman. Imagine you all naked, her naked body, her seeing your naked body, him having sex with her. Does it make you feel horny or terrified? Honestly?

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 19:08

Don't start the woe is me. For one, no one has given you a kicking and two, no one on here could ever treat you as badly as your husband is doing.

SIMP - I don't think AF was asking because she wanted to partake in any kind of extra marital shenanigans!

clam · 12/08/2013 19:14

What ouryve said up there ^^

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 12/08/2013 19:16

You are welcome, wantto. Smile

Just bare in mind, if you are right about being soul mates and his love for you, then spending some quality time really thinking through your relationship through counselling will be something he will leap at doing and would put you on a better foundation. I would imagine that, if he realises you are serious about opening up your sex life, then he will be as anxious to get the ground rules right as you are... Since he loves you so much.

You don't have to rush into the open sex in the next week.....

starrystarryknut · 12/08/2013 20:35

This is so sad and so horrible. It reminds me so so, too much of my first H who wanted things like this, because he was SO adventurous and I was just SO holding him back.

I'm now remarried to a wonderful DH who adores me and would never look elsewhere, or vice versa. And I've gone from a size 6 to a 12 since we've been together and feel pretty fat actually, although I know others might not think this... and he's got older and wrinklier... but who cares... we don't even notice. That's soul mates. And the first one is still an arse.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 20:57

errkkk, MissS, did it look like I was touting for business or summat ?

< reviews posting style with a fine tooth comb >

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 21:04

No, it didn't but SIMP clearly thought you were.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 21:09

ooo-er, I didn't get that impression Smile

swinginginmypast · 12/08/2013 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

internationallove985 · 12/08/2013 21:19

You seem very much in love with him, of course you are he's been a part of your life for 12 months but to allow him to sleep with other women is going a bit far, but I suppose if it works for you then that's your business. However if the boot were on the other foot would he want you sleeping with other men. If he's fine with that why not join a swingers club. x

Hippychickster · 12/08/2013 21:21

When I read this entire thread earlier I felt so sad for you. I have just read it to my DH to see what his reaction would be.

He said, 'She is deluded, she is setting herself up to get even more hurt, and he doesn't sound like a particularly nice man. If he doesn't want to be with her he should leave and let her move on.'

Probably much kinder than how I would have said it, but pretty much my thoughts.

I think you are wrong thinking that all men think about shagging other women. I really don't think they do. And even if they did occasionally, they wouldn't mention it to their wives, let alone be unfaithful.

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