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Original poster

Letting my partner sleep with other women

302 replies

Wanttopatchitup · 12/08/2013 13:38

Hi All,

I know you will all think i am mad and a pushover but i wanted some honest opnions on something i have thinking about for sometime.

My husband of 12 years left me two years ago for another woman, i was broken, i did and continue to, really love him, he is my soulmate in everyway.

Although i know what he did was wrong, i do understand it as we very rarely had sex and i have allowed myself to become overweight, he isnt attracted to overweight women and so it caused a problem. I look very different now to how we first met he was very attracted to me intinally and our sex life was great.

I think also he struggles with no variety, i really think he would enjoy sex with another woman, but me as the love of his life, recently we have become close again and he wants us to get back together.

Im thinking of suggesting to him that we have regular threesomes (twice a month maybe) to stop him from looking elsewhere for sex and to reignite our sex life. i know this sound strange, but i would rather him to have sex with other women that i know about than he do it behind my back.

I think this would keep him satifised long term, if we had changed partner every so often to keep it interesting. Reflecting on my own behaviour in our realtionship, i do feel like in was partly to blame for his affair and want to make this work so much, as i adore him.

i suggested something similar a few weeks ago and he seemed very happy with the suggestion and felt that it would improve our marriage, he said that this is what every man dreams of, a loving wife who allows her man to explore sex with other women, without becoming jealous. he says that no love of affection would be involved for the other partner, just sex.

When he puts it like that it sounds like a sensible and forward thinking agruement- is it unfair of me to expect a young virile man like him to be faithful to me alone? and why should i be threathened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, he is a man and it is his biology.

Has anyone else tried something similar- did it work- or was it a disaster?? Im 36 he is 38 and we have no children, I wouldnt sleep with other men, it would just be women we would share our bed with............

OP posts:
AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 21:22

MiisS is just trying to look after me I think. She knows I am a naive ole heteromonogamist who wouldn't see a come-on if it walked up to me and snogged my face off

I am a great aunt (as of yesterday) after all Smile

I am teasing SIMP, honest. I appreciate you posting here. I am very uneducated about all this modern stuff.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 21:23

I am also a patronising old boot. Ignore me Wink

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 21:24

"Anyoldfucker, on the websites I was on I would say about 98% meets would either be MMF or 2 couples to 2% FFM meets

I have only skim read your posts on this thread OP, but are you bi-curious? It might work if you are keen to experiment with a woman too but I can't see it working otherwise."

I read you addressing AF but missed that the second paragraph was to the OP. Apologies Blush.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 12/08/2013 21:24

op, he's certainly done a number on you hasnt he? he's chipped and chipped away at you to get exactly what he wants. he doesnt love you, or treat you well, or respect you, in fact id go as far as to say that he doesnt think about you at all.

the only thing you need to do op, is LTB!

but you wont... you'll be back posting when this all goes tits up... and it will all go tits up!

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 21:25

Congrats on your Great Aunt status, AF. Enjoy. I'll never be an Aunt so am a little envious .

Celador · 12/08/2013 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 21:31

MissS Grin

I am loving being a great aunt. I feel quite old though.

Chubfuddler · 12/08/2013 21:34

I was a great aunt (by marriage) at 27. Fret not.

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 21:34

Nah. Just see it as your niece/nephew has been very keen to be a parent Grin.

swinginginmypast · 12/08/2013 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/08/2013 21:42

As someone who has done a bit of swinging in my past I would say your chances of meeting a woman who would want a three some in these circumstances is very slim. Single women on the swinging scene are rare, they can afford to be picky and would run a mile from a couple with marital problems.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 21:47

I jumped off a wardrobe once

it didn't end well

CookieDoughKid · 12/08/2013 21:47

I'm really sorry to say this is going to lead down to one path. If you are OK about your dh having sex with another woman, why don't you just let him do his thing? Why should you be involved? It doesn't come across that you are into swinging or having sex with a 3rd party. I'm sorry to say but your DH is incorrect to say this is every man's dream. Dreams should stay dreams sometimes and it should apply in this case. My dh would be aghast to read your post after witnessing his mother's suicidal distress from his father's infidelities as a child.

Your dh wants his cake and eat it. All the benefits of security, having his dinner on the game etc without having to put the effort in to making his woman (you) happy. How very selfish indeed.

I wish you good luck however. Please do post and let us know how you get on. I sincerely wish you well and hope you can mentally handle this.

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 21:48

SIMP - I wasn't thinking YOU were touting for business with AF even if you thought SHE was Grin.

CookieDoughKid · 12/08/2013 21:48

Table not game - sorry! Bad typo

MissStrawberry · 12/08/2013 21:48

Though of course you didn't think she was!!

LoisPuddingLane · 12/08/2013 22:30

What a awful situation.

Wanttopatchitup, if this had reared its head before you married, what would your response have been? Can you imagine, you are still in that blissful time of knowing this is the man for you, and you are the woman for him, and you look forward to married life together...and then he says "But your minge will get very boring, so I will need fresh minge all the time".

I'd like to think you would have kicked him in his philandering balls and chucked the ring at him.

And that's what you should do now.

LoisPuddingLane · 12/08/2013 22:30

AN awful...

LoisPuddingLane · 12/08/2013 22:49

And (yes, I'll go to bed after this), you talk very loftily about not living according to the rules of society etc. But this isn't about society, or being a rebel, or living some bohemian lifestyle in which you allow him sex because, hey, it's just sex and he has this massive sex drive. According to you that's 'sensible and forward thinking'. You seem to be the only person who thinks that.

This is about the person you call your soulmate saying that you aren't enough for him, and you colluding in that. Sex is rarely just sex (unless it's one of those one night things). And it can start off as just sex and change. It's not something you can separate from the people involved. It isn't like a game of golf he will play twice a week because, poor love, his golf hand gets so stiff otherwise.

Go ahead (I think you will anyway) with your plan. Nobody has given you a kicking on here. People are just saying, in droves, that you deserve more from yourself, and from your partner. Nobody should enter, or re-enter, a relationship with the certain knowledge that they aren't "good enough" for their partner.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 13/08/2013 07:05

I really don't see how you've had a beating OP. In fact, pretty much everyone is trying to encourage you that you deserve better than this arse of a man. Most of us don't give a rat's arse if you're a bit chubby. Half of us are probably fat ourselves I know I am

Please hear what is being said. This is nothing to do with whether we approve of threesomes or not. Some posters have said that they are in or have enjoyed open relationships themselves, and even they are saying this is a bad idea.

Nobody is out to get you OP. Please don't do this.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/08/2013 07:58

Indeed, I'm a right fat cow.

My experience of "free love" is not within marriage but you might find this interesting.

A couple of years ago, I decided that I wanted to meet lots of younger men and have lots of sex. It's quite easy to do this if you're reasonably attractive and a bit filthy (most of us probably are, I think). I did quite a lot of what is generally known as shagging around. There was one guy who I had an arrangement with and we met up every week or two for sex - which seemed quite a nice arrangement.

Towards the end I started to feel like an unpaid prostitute. He would come round for about an hour between work and seeing his friends, none of whom knew about me. He never stayed the night, and he left as soon as he could after sex. I felt that I had seriously undervalued myself. It stopped being sophisticated fun. I only existed for that hour or so that he came round - and the time got shorter each time.

So, what am I saying? Well I think for most of us sex with no affection and no respect makes you feel really quite bad. If you were to take part in these sessions which you are thinking about setting up, I think you might end up feeling like that. I hesitate to use the word cheap, but it does make you feel that way. Or it did me.

Do you imagine that you will sit in the corner, having desultorily licked the other lady's minge, glowing happily at how happy you have made your husband while he grunts, balls deep in the lady? Or do you think you might actually sit there thinking what the fuck have I done, this feels so wrong?

joblot · 13/08/2013 08:25

Spot on. lois has hit the nail on the head I reckon. Very eloquent too. I love mumsnet. I don't think there's another site where you have such an excellent set of thoughtful honest posters. I include op in that even though she's struggling to listen.

I know you're upset op but posters here come across to me as reasonable and thoughtful not nasty or salacious. I hope you sort your marriage out

LoisPuddingLane · 13/08/2013 08:32

Actually, while they are grunting away and ignoring you (because I can't see that you'll have much part in this threesome really), you could go and make some scones and tea. Fucking makes people really hungry.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 13/08/2013 08:42

Lois, I think you're spot on. With both of your posts

keeprolling · 13/08/2013 08:43

OP Think very carefully about what you want.

If you change yourself to the point where you're not being true to yourself sooner or later you will regret it.

I did as you have suggested in your original post. Partner had EA, I excepted some of the blame, thought if I could make more of an effort in the bedroom it would be enough to keep his attention. One of the reasons he gave for having the EA was I wasn't exciting enough in the bedroom. I thought it would be okay if I was in control. We used singing sites to meet people and set boundaries.

Strangely watching him sleep with other women didn't bother me in the slightest, I guess as the was no deceit. But after a few months he was messaging one of the women to frequently.... He was open about messaging her but even so was doing this at my expense, he would spend a whole evening messaging her but hardly talk to me. We spoke about it and he agreed to cut down but in reality just became more discrete. In the end I checked his phone and discovered it was hundreds of messages a day. But he believed he was doing nothing wrong. This time he had been honest, unlike the affair I knew what was going on and had given permission.... He was allowed to sleep with her so what halm were a few messages?

I think the affairs are not just about sex / attention. They also get off on the power / Control of having this secret, that in itself is part of the thrill. You may address the sex issue but he will then need something extra to get the same thrill he had before when he was doing it behind your back.

My partner also kept trying to push the boundaries and got upset when I eventually put a stop to things. This was all within the last 12 months. Looking back now I feel a fool for changing myself to reward him for being a dick in the first place. If he lived me he would never had put me in that situation. If I loved myself I would have gotten the hell out of there.

There is nothing wrong with swinging or an open relationship. Bit it is not the solution to the problem you have. I hope you realise before you make the mistake I did.

(Have name changed)