Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

:o

Well have now done the decorating. Lots of unmentionable words about FW written on wall before being covered over ( good suggestion mink)

Have done more in my house the last two days than I've done in months so there are some benefits in being alone then!!

Must be the wee for it. I bought wall paper for my DSs room about a year ago. Since DP left DS has been afraid of the dark and sleeping on his own. He is afraid of burglars too (is this normal?). So I bit the bullet and his room is nicely decorated. Will keep the tip of words on wall about my ex for the next room which is the study he shut himself away in. Its going to be a den for the kids!

week

RVM sorry just reread my post. hope I did not add to your woes by suggesting he might make things harder.
you have enough to deal without me confusing the issue.

glad the planning is helping. wishing you lots of strength.

Well done on the bed rose I almost broke my arm making DS's once but my god it felt good even though bruised and slightly swollen you have done a brave thing and there are shining lights waiting for you girl!!!
waving at eveyone else, still have massive list of things and more keep coming but I think they are good things I am doing.
Charlotte did try and post early and had to run - he thinks he is still going to be in control, of course he does.. but he is going to be in for a massive shock. My exp still does and I havnt seen himbar court for 8 years. The FW trait that they are in charge is not just about us it is in charge of everyone and everything, I say that to make it feel less personal and it is true. He is of course trying to make out that you will be worse off without him as he thinks so highly of himself. The higher they hold themselves the further they fall.

RVM you sound like a brave person. It does sound like your plan of sticking with it during op and recovery is a good one. Your fw sounds completely useless in the circs but you have us as your support and sounding board. Just keep the fw on ice for now and every time he's an arse, quietly hum a little song (i have a specific one for my fw!) telling yourself he's in for a shock when the time's right- that's what I've been doing during my own period of limbo. I have nothing like the worry and fear you are experiencing, so I realise what I suggest may not be achievable all the time but it may help sometimes to relieve some pain and frustration when dealing with such an inadequate other half.

Rose woohoo on bed front! Well done for all your achievements!

Charlotte so glad you're feeling a but better. Mink's idea sounds like a great plan- I'm sure they won't turn you down but if they do use your knowledge of him to pull his strings for once!

Fw here still being all over me. He keeps kissing me in front of dcs etc so when I avoid kiss it confuses and puzzles dcs so I'm left feeling like the bastard I need to have the talk for the fortieth time this holiday alone but what's the point when he never listens? Once home then the hammer will fall. Too chary of doing it whilst abroad given that he's from another country himself. But it's hard being wise and biding my time because the cosier he gets the more he needs it straight down the line from me but isn't getting it because I have to keep lid on things.

breathe can you fake a coldsore

Another me post I'm afraid. Really news so e support to stay strong as fw is ramping up the p for me to return full time to work.

I have given him a budget that shows on my 3 day plus occ weekend salary I will provide enough to cover all bills and outgoings with about 2k spare going up to 4k in a few months when dd gets her free nursery hours. I can try to get paid in childcare vouchers too to make it easier.

Fw says that this is living outside of our means and I am challenging all our principles by changing this. I said that we would only use our savings for emergencies and would be working ft (or nearly ft) in 2 yrs or so when dd starts school so it's just a short term hit. I'd also rather be pt and not go on hols unless hes made some money

Have explained why I feel time spent with dd is more important than money just now. How I can never get this time back again. How I think it's important to take her places and things like library singing and toddler groups don't happen on a weekend.

He says I'm selfish as he wants to spend time with her too. That I've changed all our fundamental principles, that he doesnt recognise me any more. All this but only last month was talking about spending some of our savings on a Porsche.

My answer is that presumably he will get more work. He's already told me before he doesn't like being a sahd. I asked if this had changed as everyone can change their mind etc. it appears he doesn't know.

Help!

Really need some support!

Ramping up the pressure

Mink cold sore plus bubonic plague - however he's in that self sacrificing tortured puppy phase so each time I reject him he says I love you..totally not listening to what I'm telling him. Grrrr so in this mood he would prob say he'd like to share the plague with me. Occasionally the mask slips and then I'm accused being stubborn and selfish but he quickly reassembles and starts smothering me against my repeatedly stated wishes again.

I keep having to remind myself I have the right to a life I want, I have the right to leave when I don't love him even if he did stop being abusive (which I know wouldn't last anyway but he thinks he can) and I am not bring selfish or stubborn or cruel. I've had 20 years of horrible treatment/ why the feck should I try again when I know it'll end up the same after a year or two and also more importantly I don't love him anymore- in fact he creeps me out!

Sorry me me me am feeling so besieged here.

Ooh sorry x post bounty am just going to read yours now and reply xxx

Ooh bounty that language of his is very spaghettifying. I have had similar over other issues and recognise it for what it is: extreme manipulation and selfishness.

Your money calculations sound spot on. But even if they weren't, you'd have every right to spend this precious time with dd which as you say you'll only have once.

I feel furious on your behalf that the lazy git expects you to work full time against your will but can't be arsed to work more himself and is even talking about getting a Porsche.

You do what you've decided lovey and trust your own excellent judgement. His air if certainty comes from him being a selfish arse not from being in any way right. If he wants more money he can get off his arse and go and earn it!

If necessary for your peace of mind lie to him and say work have scaled you back during economic hard times.

Hang on in there lovely you ARE in the right and you are doing the best thing for your dd and you. Xxx

bounty breathe I wish for both your sakes it was as simple as saying 'no'. just 'no'.

bounty are you still planning on starting proceedings soon? might that be a possible response, just to up and off?
also, if you need more time, could you try for 'uhuh, well I will look into it with work' .
or 'I have listened to you and I have thought about everything you have said, and I don't want to go back ft. I am putting dd first' and that leaves him in the position of saying he wants you to do something you don't want to do and something that is not in dds best interest.

Once you have said your piece try the JADE technique- don't justify, argue, defend or engage.

main thing- bounty you are right. you ARE right. you don't want to go back ft. you don't need to go back ft. so no matter what he says, don't go back ft. he cannot actually make you. and if he ramps it up to the point you feel threatened. then phone the police.

I know it is scary. but this may be the make or break deal. he will either have to allow you to make some very important decisions about YOUR own life for yourself or show his true colours as a control freak who wants what he wants regardless of your wishes.

stay strong.

Big hugs Bounty, that sounds spaghettifying in the extreme. How dare he try the 'I don't recognise you anymore' bullshit.

It is easy to say 'just stay firm'. but we all know how difficult even a simple thing like that can be in relationships like this. In this situation you really do need to stay strong. You're totally right and he's just trying to make you doubt yourself. Time spent with the children IS important. Please don't back down!

I keep having to remind myself I have the right to a life I want, I have the right to leave when I don't love him even if he did stop being abusive (which I know wouldn't last anyway but he thinks he can) and I am not bring selfish or stubborn or cruel.

Never was a truer word spoken Breathe. Make it your mantra

breath and bounty I really feel for you both.
breathe how much longer are you away? I really don't think I could have managed to stay you are being very strong and coping very well with the pressure. Any normal person would have given up but not a FW, they can go on and on and on. Many of my RL friends don't understand why my FW is carrying things on - when I say that to him this is war and he will never stop, they don't get it -I find it hard to explain. The court have no idea either - that even if he got some contact it would never be enough, never on the right day, or at the right time or in teh wrong place anything DS did wrong would be my fault - it would go on and on which is why it just can't even start.
bounty mink put it very well saying you have thought about it and you have decided on x for the reasons given - it is your choice to do that - he wants you to do things to meet his own needs - that is selfish not you - you are not asking him to do anything he doesn't want to do, you are deciding what you want to do and you can do that day in day out, it is your right, you are not responsible for him/for doing things he wants you to - but they just will never see that will they. We all just know that under the JADE principal there is no point in engaging as he will never see it - I would repeat to fade what mink said. And if he says things like you are selfish' and cruel' and `stubbon' - that is name calling and is abusive.

better yy it is war. absolutely. they have to win at all costs. it is like some face saving thing, where they somehow cannot be seen to even be reasonable. it would not surprise me at all if, if your FW did get contact (we all pray he does not) he would probably turn up once or twice and then that would be that. because it is so not about the contact.

same with my FW and the nc thing. it is not about the csa because he knew that was coming. this will some other thing in his life that he has decided is my fault. and the dcs are collateral damage in this little war he is waging to prove that he is the big man. he wins. but who sees his glorious victory?

ultimately I think he will pay the highest cost. so much energy wasted to end up with no one truly close to you. yes they often get what they want in the short term; sex, money, food, obedience but I think that one of their most common complaints- no one really loves me is actually true. they drive everyone away because to be close to them is to get burned. and surely they could actually get what they want more easily by actually devoting some positive energy to it.

the number of times I said to FW in relation to his treatment of other people, you catch more flies with honey.

Mink Better and Nini thank you so much for words of support.

Yy re name calling being abusive!

I am finally by myself this afternoon. He kept saying, whatever you want to do just say and it's yours. So I said I want to go shopping and for a coffee by myself- ho ho ho boy did he not like that - 'but I'll miss you, can you manage etc!'

But I am finally alone. Ah thank god. I feel like crying with relief.

hurrah! Fly hurrah!!!

Maybe it is my time to go. Today has been terrible. But I'm scared. I'm most scared that I'm at least half to blame for the relationship going so wrong.

I have lied to fw twice today. Once when he asked if I'd done something at work that he'd asked me to. Well I had forgotten but instead of saying that I panicked and said my manager wasn't in.

And then he noticed his phone wasn't exactly as I left it and asked if I'd been snooping. I had but the pass code was still on so saw nothing. But I said no. When he said it had moved I said that maybe dd had moved it accidentally. What sort of person blames their 2 yr old. But I did. :(

Sorry - not as HE left it

bounty would you have panicked if you were not scared?
would you have snooped if you did not have a bloody good reason to be suspicious?

there is lying and then there is self preservation.

My ex was not that scary, and yet, at night I still flinch every time I hear footsteps coming down the close at night in case it is him. It is only now he is well gone that I realise if I didn't actually fear him coming in I dreaded it. so you are focussing on your lies and not on the feeling that lead you to those lies IYSWIM. you shouldn't have to be afraid to be yourself.

again he is smothering your voice so that you cannot actually speak your mind. you cannot say, oh I forgot, for fear and you cannot say, so have you been honest with me for fear he will just lie to you and that you will be made to swallow those lies and be made to feel guilty for asking.

It is your time to go. even if you are half to blame, (you're not) it has gone wrong, it is time to go. I know it is frightening to make such a major change in your life but unless you want to stay like this forever, then you need to take that step.

you can do it!

bounty I am sure that you do not think about anyone else other than FW the way you do about FW. Even though FW ended it with me I never wanted him back, even when he asked a few times - because I had realised just how I had been feeling and things I was doing due to fear and worry and I could not get back into a situation that made me feel and do things I didn't want to do.
He still knows that I have the ability to react rather than respond when he uses shock tactics and he tries them at every opportunity. I try to respond now but I could never do it all the time. I know I am responsible for my actions and even if I was half to blame (I don't think I was) we were not good for other. I have a large social circle and he has almost no friends or job, I think that says enough for me and I think that is the thing with you bounty especially relating to you being annoyed with yourself for doing things you know you shouldn't, I am sure this only happens when you are around FW. I hope you can find the strength to find peace you deserve to be happy and content and enjoy this very short life we have.

And what sort of person checks if their partner has moved their phone? And takes a job not done as a personal attack or an opportunity to make the other person feel bad about themselves?

You are living under a lot of pressure, bounty, and so far you've not found a satisfactory way of getting rid of it. Not surprising that you do some things you're not proud of in retrospect. Bet you don't do that with anyone else.