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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my partner is married am heartbroken.

156 replies

onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 03:17

We have been together for 5 years and thought it was really good, i booked a hotel for his birthday as a surprise and then rang his boss to ask if he could have 2 days off, at which point his boss told me he already had that week off for his holiday, i then called him and asked what he wanted to do for his birthday (he will be 40) and he said nothing as he had to work, anyway after a few conversations, he broke down and told me he was married but its over but his wife wont give up. He said i am the one he wants, i feel like a total twat and am hurting more than i can say, we have even been talking about trying for a baby. I have children from previous realtionship who love him to bits. There were no signs and cant bring myself to tell anyone, cant eat,sleep and holding it together all day just hurts so much. He wants to carry on as we are, i love him but cant do this now i know, any advice welcome x

OP posts:
poppingin1 · 30/07/2013 03:20

I am so sorry! You must feel heartbroken.

I think a good sit down and talk to understand everything clearly before you act might be a good idea.

What an arsehole though. Probably not a helpful reply, sorry Sad

Original poster
onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 03:28

I just feel like a total idiot, am going over the last 5 years in my head and there were no signs, we have the same circle of friends, i go to his work parties with him, ive met his parents loads of times. I am so sad and cant stop crying.

OP posts:
evelynj · 30/07/2013 03:31

God thats awful, I'm sorry. Nothing helpful to add but 5 years leading a double life? I'd summon him& find out more. Presumably he lives with his wife? Do they have children? He doesn't sound like a keeper.

Look after yourself & try to talk to someone in RL that knows you & him x

evelynj · 30/07/2013 03:34

That's really odd-you've met his parents & go to work parties?

There must be more to this than meets the eye-he needs to meet & be honest with you so at least you can understand what's happened...

AdoraBell · 30/07/2013 03:39

Sorry you've found out this way, also sorry you've been lead along for five years. I know you love him but from an outside POV there doesn't seem to be anything good there.

He had a holiday, at least off work, planned and lied to you. He also wants you to just carry on like nothing's happened. Good thing you found out before you had DCs with him.

Concentrate on you and your DCs, also try to get some RL support.

Original poster
onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 03:46

He said he sees her once a fortnight and that its going nowhere. They have no children and she is 15 years older than him. His mum wants to meet on friday to catch up and i dont know what to do, they have all lied to me. He just keeps saying nothing has to change between us and that its not an issue for us as i do not want to get married and he lives at home with his parents ( I have stayed over at his parents house lots of times) Cannot understand how this has happened.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 30/07/2013 03:55

It all sounds very mixed up, on his side of things, sounds like lying is just what they do. Is there any way that his parents don't know about his wife Confused, not likely is it?

Clearly something has changed, you've found out he's married and are not happy about the fact. I'd walk away, as much as it hurts.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/07/2013 04:08

If he has no children with his wife & hasn't been living with her for the past five years why is he not divorced from her?

Original poster
onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 04:08

Dont even know where to begin with all this, cant stop crying, my mum has taken my dc for a couple of days although she doesnt know whats happened. I have not answered his calls or texts and today he sent me over 100 texts. My dc will be heartbroken as he is the only male they have in their lives ( i was 6 months pregnant when we met, their dad wants nothing to do with them) Just the thought of not being with him hurts too much, but i do not see a way through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 04:14

He said she will not let him go and he said she said she cannot cope without him. He said their realtionship is more friends than anything, but i dont belive anything he says now.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 30/07/2013 04:18

IHow awful that so many people conspired to lie to you about such a big thing for so long. It seems crazy to me. Was he planning on doing something with his wife for his 40th? I'm not getting their relationship.

Mixxy · 30/07/2013 04:20

He doesnt live with her. He's not having sex with her Hmm . Yet he won't divorce her. Sounds like he is still lying to you.

Original poster
onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 04:32

The trust has gone, he said the holiday was for me and him as a surprise and that he reallly cannot see what the issue is as im the one he wants, am so hurt and angry and he just keeps begging me not to leave him. To me the entire 5 years have been a lie and want him to hurt as much as i do and then some more.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 30/07/2013 04:51

He took a week off work then told you he had to work and didn't want to do anything...he's a bullshitter.

So sorry hon.

CinnabarRed · 30/07/2013 04:56

He could divorce without her consent after 5 years separation - if he really wanted to.

He hasn't done that. So he doesn't want to.

I'm so sorry.

Optimist1 · 30/07/2013 05:26

So sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to add that this needn't be The End ... many years ago I heard rumours that my best friend's long-term boyfriend was married, and had the unenviable task of telling her. It all came out and of course there was much heartache for some time, including my friend's wedding to him having to be postponed because his divorce didn't come through in time. Fast forward 20+ years and they are still happily married. Against all expectations it turned out fine in the end.

I hope you can work things out so that your future is a happy one.

takeaway2 · 30/07/2013 05:39

Something similar happened to people we know. He was separated from his wife and kids for many years (grown up kids, he was quite a bit older than my friend). But wife wouldn't divorce him - not sure why.
He had this long term relationship with my friend, even had a child who is now 5.

She finally granted him a divorce 2 years ago. He was already living with my friend (for the last 15 years?) and bought another house and now have dc2.

LittlePeaPod · 30/07/2013 05:41

I am so sorry you are going through this.. Lost for words. 5 years of deceit is unforgivable. How can someone keep that up for so long? And his parents/friends/work must have known. Surely someone knew... Does his wife know about you? What has he been telling her? I couldn't forgive that sort of deceit.

Op i am so sorry and my thoughts are with you and your DC. Flowers

Vivacia · 30/07/2013 06:26

I'd want to meet up with his mum sooner than Friday, but would bear in mind that he may prime her to lie more. I guess his colleagues might not know but I can't get over his family lying.

Buzzardbird · 30/07/2013 06:43

He's a liar, as you know. How could he book a holiday for you 'as a surprise' when you have children?
he has lied to you since day 1, you deserve better. What a twat!

Lweji · 30/07/2013 06:51

So sorry, but he's lying through his teeth. Possibly to his mum and friends too.

I feel very sorry for the children. I had to dump someone and felt more sorry, but also more pressed, because DS was getting very attached.
So, you better sit down with them and explain that he won't be around anymore.
They mat be less sad than you anticipate.

Chubfuddler · 30/07/2013 06:52

What a grade A bastard. Of course he could divorce her. This is called having his cake and eating it.

If he can lie to you about something so fundamental for five years you actually cannot believe a single word he says to you. Your mutual friends are unbelievable, as are his parents. I'd be tempted to ring a member of your social circle at random and say "why did you never tell me x is married?'

CinnabarRed · 30/07/2013 06:55

takeaway2 - your friend has been spun a line. Anyone can divorce without the other spouse's consent after 5 years of separation - your friend's OH could have been divorced at least a decade earlier if he'd chosen (assuming you're in the UK).

Lweji · 30/07/2013 06:57

I had a bil about whom, to this day, his parents don't know if he has divorced or not.

I'd forgive the still being married part, unless you specifically asked him about past relationships and he lies, but not the seeing her in secret.

giraffesCantWearSuncream · 30/07/2013 06:57

Bloody hell. Yes I would want to know who knows and what they know!.