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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my partner is married am heartbroken.

156 replies

onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 03:17

We have been together for 5 years and thought it was really good, i booked a hotel for his birthday as a surprise and then rang his boss to ask if he could have 2 days off, at which point his boss told me he already had that week off for his holiday, i then called him and asked what he wanted to do for his birthday (he will be 40) and he said nothing as he had to work, anyway after a few conversations, he broke down and told me he was married but its over but his wife wont give up. He said i am the one he wants, i feel like a total twat and am hurting more than i can say, we have even been talking about trying for a baby. I have children from previous realtionship who love him to bits. There were no signs and cant bring myself to tell anyone, cant eat,sleep and holding it together all day just hurts so much. He wants to carry on as we are, i love him but cant do this now i know, any advice welcome x

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 31/07/2013 14:31

Ezio that's true. Didn't think that this could be on someone elses behalf.

applepieinthesky · 31/07/2013 14:36

Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she comes back. I would hate for it to be genuine and she doesn't come back because of this. Please post if you are able to OP.

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 14:48

Is it possible that it is a totally different woman using a deregged name? I just did and AS and posts for that name have been coming up since at least 2008 and they seem almost like a different person speaking, no mention of behavioural/SN problems etc. Although maybe they just hadn't surfaced in 2008.

Orchidlady · 31/07/2013 14:55

littlepea please stop feeling so bad, the whole thread was odd before reading the previous posting. too many contradictions. Without being judgemental but why say you are considering having another baby when you do not live with the potential father (and by the sounds of it would be impossible as ops DS would make it impossible) ( barking like a dog, smearing excrement around the house to mention a few things a few things.)

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 15:03

TRF-a re you sure you searched correctly because there is an Onwardsandupwards and an Onwardandupward- 2nd one without the 's' on Onwards.

Orchidlady · 31/07/2013 15:05

thereal well that would explain it. Hmm

Ezio · 31/07/2013 15:09

Real Its possible.

Miss i copied and pasted the name from the op, and got the same threads.

applepieinthesky · 31/07/2013 15:13

I done a search on onwardandupwards (s on end only) and her posts contradict themselves. She consistently says she's a lone parent but the children's ages and when their father left seems to change quite a bit.

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 15:15

ArkadyRose

Just one small point - it does depend on whether your marriage is Scottish or English because the marriage laws are different - in Scotland, you can divorce without spousal consent after 2 years of separation. If your DP was Scottish, that wold work.

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 15:16

Sorry - I should have said the 'family' laws. There are more differences than just marriage and divorce.

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 16:33

Very confusing posts from her. Lots of contradictions about ages of children where they are being educated ( home ed or sec schools)......

doubt we'll never know for sure what this was all about.

applepieinthesky · 31/07/2013 16:50

What are the chances of a woman's partner fathering five children behind her back then her going on to be with someone else who has a wife he keeps secret for five years?

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 17:10

Missbopeep yes I think you are right - just did it again and I can see where I went wrong. Blush

There has been absolutely no mention of a partner on any of her other posts at all which is a bit odd after supposedly 5 years together. but she is clearly a long term committed poster and most of her other stuff about her children is very consistent. Confused

Maybe she has known him five years as a friend and has sort of described it to be bigger relationship than it was, to sort of lend it some gravitas or to justify how upset she is. Either way, she sounds like she has a very crap time going on with her DS and I feel sorry for her. Don't want to think badly of someone having a hard time. Sad

frissonpink · 31/07/2013 17:16

Confused 40 and living with his parents? You've been with him for 5 years? Met his circle of friends etc?

Something doesn't add up here sorry.

I wouldn't go out with a guy over 21 who was still living with his parents! Massive red flag!

How come he didn't move in with you?

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 17:19

That's a bit mean frisson- the stats actually show that there are lots ( millions) of 21+ men and women living at home due to the cost of rent and houses especially in the SE. I agree that 40 is rather odd but you need to accept that there are plenty in their mid-late 20s still at home for economic reasons.

applepieinthesky · 31/07/2013 17:20

The posts about her son and his special needs are very consistent. But the children's ages and the timings of relationships are not Confused

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 17:21

frisson it is NOT a read flag! Seriously, some people just cannot afford to leave home or don't want to - it doesn't automatically make them weirdos! some people are shy, or lonely on their own, late starters with women, or are just close to their parents, possibly being carers for them, or have returned after a failed marriage when the house cannot be sold for whatever reason - there a loads of scenarios where someone may still live with their parents. As I said upthread, not everyone can or wants to live to the same lofty ideals that very together, confident, well paid young adults do - it's just not an option for them for all sorts of reasons. We may secretly find them a bit loserish, but it doesn't mean that don't deserve to form relationships!

frissonpink · 31/07/2013 17:22

I'm sure there are, but also pretty sure once they get in a relationship with someone (one that's serious, which 5yr would indicate?), surely any normal man would try to find a way to share a house with the woman he is with?

No?

Housing is expensive - when you're on your own. Can't see how would be any cheaper at Mum and Dads, than sharing with your gf, unless Mum and Dad were letting you stay for free (which let's be honest, would be very very odd for a working man in his late 30's)

Either way, red flag!

fancyanother · 31/07/2013 17:23

Haven't read the whole thread, so this may have been answered but why has he booked a week off if he doesn't live with his wife and wants it to be over between them? A week off for his 40th, which he is obviously going to spend with her?

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 17:33

Yes I agree with all of that.
The possible truth- the Lady Detectives of MN!- is that he never really did live with his M&D, maybe the OP thought he did as he stayed with them now and then, but also stayed with his wife.

He could be the sort of bloke who strung everyone along- wife, parents and OP, with no one really aware of where he lived.

But there is also the possibility that all the stuff posted by the OP is, should we say, not exactly accurate?

applepieinthesky · 31/07/2013 18:14

missbopeep I thought that too, about him not living with his parents. Someone I know has just split up with his wife and she thinks he's living with his mum. He actually has his own flat and a gf who she's not aware of. His family are very uncomfortable with it because they get on well with his wife but nobody feels it's their place to say. Could be a similar scenario here. Still lots of unanswered questions though.

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 18:19

Worst case could be that he was still half-living with wife all along, albeit unhappily...but stayed with parents now and then ( they knew about wife) to keep up the pretence of being single for the OP- and the parents for whatever reason, decided to help him cover up the truth. It would be very easy for parents to keep a 'spare room' for a child to stay in now and then, and it look as if he lived there all the time.

ThePinkOcelot · 31/07/2013 18:19

Doesn't look like OP is coming back to explain!

Fallout1977 · 31/07/2013 18:52

Errr frissonpink my brother is 40 and moved back home a few years back because he couldn't afford the rent on his place when he kicked his ex out doesn't mean he's some kind of weirdo though! He could get a place now but after the awful time he had with his ex he doesn't trust women anymore and prefers to spend his money on clothes and having a blast with his huge circle of friends. Plus my mum babies him and who can resist that ;) love living with my mum :) shame she hasn't got a bigger house as we would all move in ;)

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/07/2013 20:28

Seems weird his parents are involved, that part doesnt add up.

Whilst most people post re partners or spouses, if the OP is claiming lone parent benefits then not mentioning a partner is not unusual so that it cant be picked up on.

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