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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out my partner is married am heartbroken.

156 replies

onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 03:17

We have been together for 5 years and thought it was really good, i booked a hotel for his birthday as a surprise and then rang his boss to ask if he could have 2 days off, at which point his boss told me he already had that week off for his holiday, i then called him and asked what he wanted to do for his birthday (he will be 40) and he said nothing as he had to work, anyway after a few conversations, he broke down and told me he was married but its over but his wife wont give up. He said i am the one he wants, i feel like a total twat and am hurting more than i can say, we have even been talking about trying for a baby. I have children from previous realtionship who love him to bits. There were no signs and cant bring myself to tell anyone, cant eat,sleep and holding it together all day just hurts so much. He wants to carry on as we are, i love him but cant do this now i know, any advice welcome x

OP posts:

IceNoSlice · 30/07/2013 08:52

I suggested discussing this with his mum because OP said his mum contacted her wanting to catch up. Which suggests they (OP and DP's mum) get on pretty well. And OP is confused and upset because his family and the couple's mutual friends appear to be colluding in this. OP doesn't know if she can trust her DP due to all these lies that he has told her. And obviously she is more emotionally involved in that relationship than with his family/ their friends, which can make it hard to get to the bottom of things.

So yes, OP needs to have a proper conversation with DP about all this. But I still think it is a good idea to have a chat with his mum, plus also a mutual friend or two, so OP can find out what is actually going on. Be armed with as much info as possible.

TheRealFellatio · 30/07/2013 08:55

Ok I'm thinking about this now. I don't think the wife knows about the OP. She thinks that he loves her but just cannot live with her for whatever reason, and that he lives with his mum and dad. Which officially he does, but I bet he practically lives with the OP, except for 'going back to the parents every few days, ostensibly to get around single mum benefits/council tax rules, possibly? But actually that provides him with the excuse he needs to spend time with the wife. So the OP doesn't query why he doesn't live there full time, and the parents assume he is at the OPs when he is at the wife's. I bet the parents don't even realise he still sees the wife. I bet he sees her more than once a fortnight, because he has the perfect alibi from all angles.

I don't believe a word of it that he took the week of as a surprise for the OP - that sounds like backpedaling. If that had been tru he could have said that from the very beginning and she'd still be in the dark about the wife. He intended to go on holiday with the wife for his 40th, which would suggest the wife knows nothing about the OP.

messybedhead · 30/07/2013 08:55

Are you sure he doesn't only 'live with his parents' when you stay over ?

LIZS · 30/07/2013 08:57

I'd bet you don't know the half of it , sorry . I'm sure the clues will be there once you look back more objectively - the trips for work , cancelled visits, finances, not being available on the phone etc.

He has never been your partner as he wasn't available . He has got to play happy families with you while enjoying another relationship, of course he wants to carry on . How were you suddenly going to have that week free for a surprise holiday ? When children are involved it would take careful planning . Can't believe so many people covered for him though, what kicks were they getting from this charade - poor you.

justgivemeareason · 30/07/2013 08:58

I am also wondering why you have been together 5 years, your dc see him as their father, you are planning to have a child yet don't live together. It sounds as if it would be very easy for him to live this double life.

Missbopeep · 30/07/2013 08:59

It's all a bit Jane Eyre isn't it- a secret mad wife.

Taking out everything else, I suppose in your shoes I'd have wanted to know why a 35 yr old man- as he was when you met- was living with Mum and Dad and in 5 years has shown no desire to move out either on his own or with you.

Did you never ask why? Presumably it's because his money is tied up in another house.

I suspect that when you met the separation was new, and he always meant to tell you but never got round to it- for obvious reasons.

He's either very very clever at covering his tracks, and his family have colluded with him, or you have been a bit naive and not noticed signs that must have been there.....

the only answer now is a very long and honest conversation.

cuillereasoupe · 30/07/2013 09:02

^I was thinking Jane Eyre too! Have you been in your attic recently OP?

In any case, the man's one serious liar. I think in time to come you'll see you're well rid.

Missbopeep · 30/07/2013 09:05

If he's stinking rich and owns pile in Yorkshire, hang on in there but if not, dump.

Only joking.

pictish · 30/07/2013 09:06

5 years living a lie.
Anyone who chooses to lie to this extent, is a complete waste of time. An absolute no no. A dud.
Even trivial, silly lies are a solid indication that a relationship should come to an end. This 5 year charade is off the scale!

He says the holiday was meant to be a surprise for you?
That is another whopping lie.

This guy wouldn't tell the truth if you paid him. He has no problem fabricating the biggest pile of bullshit going, and feeding it to you on a spoon.

I am so sorry OP...I am gutted for you.You know what you have to do though. Don't be his fool.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 30/07/2013 09:08

^^ THIS. Sorry, the whole scenario just seems totally odd to me.

FannyMcNally · 30/07/2013 09:09

Maybe his parents and friends think the op knows about the wife? They might think that that is the reason they are not living together.

I can't believe so many people would be in on a lie like that.

TheRealFellatio · 30/07/2013 09:12

Although how he thought he'd get away with going away for his 40th without the OP going with him I don't know. There are so many unanswered questions here, I'm starting to think that the OP must have been very naive about all sorts of things over the years.

TheRealFellatio · 30/07/2013 09:12

But if they thought she knew then surely it would have come up in conversation at some point?

Viking1 · 30/07/2013 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject · 30/07/2013 09:15

you're not an idiot for being conned.

But lying to you for FIVE years? How can you ever trust this man again? Move on. Sorry.

DuchessFanny · 30/07/2013 09:17

What does he say in all these texts ? Is he trying to explain ? Or minimise ? Is his mum in touch for a catch up, or because she now knows you know and wants to explain for him ??
Can't believe everyone - work/friends/parents went along with this, there MUST be a reason why and you need to know for peace of mind !

paperlantern · 30/07/2013 09:18

Is there any chance it is just as he says? Did you find out for definite he was planning to take the holiday with this ex? this just doesn't sound like an affair. He's been too open about you

I'd want more information. People who split can still be close. Might just never had got round to divorce. Id wany to know on what terms he sees her. Counter intuitive ly Id suggest to your partner that of je wants to keep seeing her as friends it becomes a joint friendship or he ends contact (either way he must now push through a divorce)

TheRealFellatio · 30/07/2013 09:19

Actually I've just realised I know someone who had a similar relationship to this for seven years. Single mum, two kids, thought her boyfriend was just not up for settling down and taking on her kids permanently/officially, and was very devoted to his parents (only child).

But he would spend every weekend with her, for years, they'd go on holiday together, and the children came to think of his parents as step GPs.

They worked together but lived a good 60 miles apart, so only really spent time together at weekends. So he had all week to do as he pleased, supposedly with his parents, at their house. The first she knew that all was not well was when he told he we was getting married to someone else. They'd been in this routine for 7 years!

He was unnaturally attached to his parents though, it was true, and when he married the other woman the deal was that she would live with him and his parents.

Treagues · 30/07/2013 09:23

I think having all his family and friends in on the lie sounds like a recipe for disaster. What are the chances of nobody mentioning his first wife in five years?

It sounds like you have a good enough relationship with his family that you could ask them?

Chubfuddler · 30/07/2013 09:28

I agree with fellatio's assessment of the situation at 08:55

paperlantern · 30/07/2013 09:30

I can just imagine "btw i never bothered to divorce my ex because it was easier that way, still in friendly contact, and still care about her enough to not cause her additional hurt" became one of those conversation s there was never a right time to have with new girlfriend

What he does now is key

TheRealFellatio · 30/07/2013 09:33

I suspect work colleagues and friends that are around now may not even know about the wife. Let's face it, a lot can change in your life in five years, new job, new friends, new everything. It would be easy to airbrush her out of existence. These days with most calls being to mobile phones people are less traceable to specific houses/places.

I can see how, if you are separated from your spouse but still close, and in a complicated on/off relationship, or a cynical relationship of financial convenience, it would be reasonably easy if you were clever enough, to continue that while all your friends and family think it's properly, permanently over, and (especially with no children to keep contact with) never give the ex a minute's thought again. Maybe he's convinced his mother to never mention the ex to the OP for some misguided reason.

I think perhaps they had a very insular relationship and few friends together, and it has been easy for him to deny her existence, OR he very cleverly lives a complete double life with a full set of friends that he shares with her, but he keeps her away from his parents and work colleagues.

paperlantern · 30/07/2013 09:41

That's it, so many scenarios "fit". Until you have more information you haven't a clue which is right.

Meeting the wife would be the quickest way to get a llot of information about how dp really feels towards her

ithaka · 30/07/2013 09:46

This reminds me of my friends dad - he had a double life for years, living with his mistress down south for years, who was unaware that his wife & children he maintained up north still considered him married and working away from home. His mistress thought they were separated, but he never told his wife they were separated. This went on for over a decade, at least. The (now grown up) children found out before the wife, which put them in a highly tricky position.

takeaway2 · 30/07/2013 09:48

I agree with Fellatio's comment "I suspect work colleagues and friends that are around now may not even know about the wife. Let's face it, a lot can change in your life in five years, new job, new friends, new everything. It would be easy to airbrush her out of existence. These days with most calls being to mobile phones people are less traceable to specific houses/places."

not the same thing, but my DM passed away more than 20 years ago (very young). My DF has a new partner now (for 20 years or just under). neighbours since then and friends all assume that she's my mother (OMG - but that's another thread!)... so they say things like 'ahhhh your little DCs look so much like GM' - which makes me want to punch them but I don't correct them because it's too long a story.

I don't think my dad/SM set out to show the world that there was never a first-wife around (or that my dad was a widower)... I think it just happened. Given that I don't even live in the same country and so visit annually, I don't really mind. Of course, all the family and friends pre SM know about my DM and her death etc...

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