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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my partner is married am heartbroken.

156 replies

onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 03:17

We have been together for 5 years and thought it was really good, i booked a hotel for his birthday as a surprise and then rang his boss to ask if he could have 2 days off, at which point his boss told me he already had that week off for his holiday, i then called him and asked what he wanted to do for his birthday (he will be 40) and he said nothing as he had to work, anyway after a few conversations, he broke down and told me he was married but its over but his wife wont give up. He said i am the one he wants, i feel like a total twat and am hurting more than i can say, we have even been talking about trying for a baby. I have children from previous realtionship who love him to bits. There were no signs and cant bring myself to tell anyone, cant eat,sleep and holding it together all day just hurts so much. He wants to carry on as we are, i love him but cant do this now i know, any advice welcome x

OP posts:
CheeseFondueRocks · 30/07/2013 12:23

"I have not ever ha a bloke over!" That is not changing little details to protect one's identity...

Missbopeep · 30/07/2013 12:31

Possibly because she liked to think he was her boyfriend.....but he was spending half his time somewhere else.

The Op needs to come back- too many odd things now.

SirBoobAlot · 30/07/2013 12:41

This is incredibly odd... All of it.

LittlePeaPod · 30/07/2013 12:45

It just doesn't make sense, none of it makes sense. But I think we should wait to hear what the Op has to say.

Wellwobbly · 30/07/2013 16:09

its the mother I find wierd.

Missbopeep · 30/07/2013 16:09

where is the OP?

AnyFucker · 30/07/2013 16:45

Curiouser and curiouser

LittlePeaPod · 30/07/2013 16:56

Maybe Op lives in a different country as her original post was very early hours?
Maybe we are in different time zones to Op?

Maybe we may hear something later?

Maybe she is at work or maybe she is too upset to respond?

Maybe she may not come back at all? I hope she does as I am really confused. If not I hope you are OK Op.

Cerisier · 30/07/2013 17:53

I can't get my head round this one, due to the behaviour of the parents. It is all too odd.

Missbopeep · 30/07/2013 18:05

The only way his parents' behaviour can be understood at all is if they thought that the OP knew about the wife.

MysteriousHamster · 30/07/2013 18:52

Or he doesn't have a wife, but has been cheating on OP with another woman and came up with this stupid lie.

Otherwise I'm not sure how she'd be openly with him with work and parents and no one mention it.

This of course is all moot if the OP is in fact not quite right after what Littlepeapod has said.

Greenkit · 31/07/2013 08:50

I guess my situation was different as we had a child, so there was a link between me and the husband. I just didn't want to go through the whole divorce thing, 1) I wasn't sure how to do it and 2) I had no money.

Anyway, maybe he didn't say anything, as to him the marriage was over long ago and he just kind of put it to the back of his mind. He apparently only see's his 'wife' once a fortnight, she wont let go. Perhaps his family were hoping he would tell OP and finally make the break with the 'wife'.

OR maybe he is a lying, cheating scum bag, who knows eh!

SoupDragon · 31/07/2013 09:00

Given he lied about having to work for his birthday week when he'd taken it as holiday, he is clearly not a fine upstanding example of honesty.

applepieinthesky · 31/07/2013 09:47

OP says on the other thread it is just her, dd and DS. DS was 7 at the time of the thread (Feb 12) and his dad left when he was a day old. On this thread she says she has been with this man since she was six months pregnant.

applepieinthesky · 31/07/2013 09:52

this thread here that littlepea linked to. Doesn't add up sorry.

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 10:49

I don't think the link to the other thread proves or disproves anything tbh.

All it shows is that the OP said that there had never been any man staying over at her house. She could have been 'with' the man whose now 'married' ( if he is in fact) but just not on the basis that is normally assumed.

Maybe she has made the relationship with him far more than it ever was.

Or maybe she's just batty and it's all attention seeking lies.

The only way to find out is to ask her to come back.

applepieinthesky · 31/07/2013 10:53

Perhaps there is additional information we are not party to which would tie up the loose ends. Ie she has been in an on off relationship with him for 7 years but more serious for the last 5. Don't know. Only the OP can explain. On the surface it doesn't look good but I'm prepared to be proved wrong.

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 11:16

It's all conjecture isn't it?

But there are some odd people out there who do use forums to live fantasy lives, so it's hard to know what is real and what is not some of the time.

LittlePeaPod · 31/07/2013 13:13

I am really hoping I got it all wrong and there is an explanation for the confusing diaparities in hisotirc information/posts. The alternative leaves me feeling really sad and a little sorry for anyone that would make up this sort of post up just for attention.

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 13:31

The thing is, we all assume that a five year relationship cannot possibly be 'normal' if he hasn't moved in, still lives with his parents etc, but not everyone's idea of what constitutes a relationship is the same as ours. Loads of people have said they'd be suspicious of a bloke who still lives with his parents in his late 30's but plenty of people do live like this, and it's normal for them.

There was a woman on here a few months ago agonising over an affair she'd apparently been having with a married man (she was married too) and she'd left her husband but the man got cold feet and wouldn't leave his wife. And then she said they'd never even had sex! And they'd supposedly been having this 'affair' for FOUR YEARS! In my mind that would not be a four year affair that would be an inappropriate four year friendship that crossed some boundaries, or just an obsession on her part, but not clearly she thought differently.

TheRealFellatio · 31/07/2013 13:32

sorry, garbled last sentence!

Clearly she thought differently.

changeforthebetter · 31/07/2013 13:52

Hmm. I am nowhere near getting my divorce as X in no hurry and work/small DCs/divorce costs mean little headspace to think about it. I see him regularly at mine because of access visits there. We have even taken the kids on a few little day trips together. However, it's strictly amicable. Hell would freeze over before I'd have him back and I doubt he regrets choosing his "single man" lifestyle Hmm

I suppose it is feasible. However, I don't make a secret of being married but separated IYSWIM. As far as I am concerned, he is always referred to as my X. I would certainly be open about the situation with any dates............. [tumbleweed emoticon Wink]

Missbopeep · 31/07/2013 13:53

What seems odd to me is that the OP has posted at length about the terrible problems she has with one of her children, yet in this thread she says she was able to go on a 'spur of the moment' holiday with this man and , I assume, find someone to care for her DCs. On top of which she is/was talking of having another child despite having huge pressure on herself with the current DCs.

OP I hope if you are reading you will come back, and say you are okay or whatever.

LittlePeaPod · 31/07/2013 14:21

I agree a relationship doesn't necessary mean you must/have to live with someone after 5 or any number of years. DF's friend has been with his OH for 8 years and they happily live apart (both in early forties, both have no DC, nothing stopping them moving in together) but are still very much a couple. That's not what confuses me about this situation. It's some of the other postings, like (amongst others as per other posters but not verbatim but the same message)

  • I am lonely. How do I ever find a man? Surely you wouldn?t say this if you were in a relationship - living together or not? But I accept maybe they were having a break at this point for reasons unknown to us.
  • Posting that Op met her partner whilst six months pregnant, but then in another note posting how your ex walked out whilst your DC was one day old. Again maybe they had got close before Op split with previous partner hate to say it but affair, I don't know just having a guess
  • Posting you met OH whilst 6 months pregnant but then on a different post saying you had never introduced your son to a man because of his health needs. Surely if you met someone 5 years ago whilst 6 months pregnant and you have spent time with your OH's family, friends etc you would introduce your DCs within a year or two? Again I don't know as I have never been in this situation so all this is supposition on my part.

Hoping the Op comes back even if it is to day she is ok and hope she is ok.. I would hate to think someone is in pain and afraid to come back because me/my post. Regreating posting my querying note now. Me and my big mouth.

Ezio · 31/07/2013 14:28

Little i was curious about her other posts too, and find out the same things you did, just doesnt add up.

Not unless she is posting on behalf of someone else.

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