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Original poster

Just found out my partner is married am heartbroken.

156 replies

onwardandupwards · 30/07/2013 03:17

We have been together for 5 years and thought it was really good, i booked a hotel for his birthday as a surprise and then rang his boss to ask if he could have 2 days off, at which point his boss told me he already had that week off for his holiday, i then called him and asked what he wanted to do for his birthday (he will be 40) and he said nothing as he had to work, anyway after a few conversations, he broke down and told me he was married but its over but his wife wont give up. He said i am the one he wants, i feel like a total twat and am hurting more than i can say, we have even been talking about trying for a baby. I have children from previous realtionship who love him to bits. There were no signs and cant bring myself to tell anyone, cant eat,sleep and holding it together all day just hurts so much. He wants to carry on as we are, i love him but cant do this now i know, any advice welcome x

OP posts:
IDontDoIroning · 30/07/2013 09:51

I can't understand why a person wouldn't get divorced in this situation think about it - she's legally the next of kin, would inherit his estate and get a widows pension etc. imagine what kind of impact that could have had on your life later on down the line. Some unknown stranger could have half your house all his possessions, his pension etc.

I can kind of understand if a person was deeply religious but in that situation wouldn't they have just carried on living together?

In any case you can divorce without the others consent after a set time anyway so why hasn't he done that. Maybe he can't be bothered with the hassle and the expense but if there are no kids or huge amounts of assets to share it shouldn't be that hard or expensive. nd if he can't be bothered that doesn't say a lot for how invested he is in your relationship.

Missbopeep · 30/07/2013 09:57

Anything we post is just speculation until the OP comes back.

There are too many unanswered questions about this whole thing, including her taking at face value everything that was presented to her. I cannot believe she didn't suspect anything , but I can believe she turned a blind eye to things that with hindsight were red flags or at least slightly odd.

cocolepew · 30/07/2013 10:01

How bizarre and upsetting for you.

A friend of a friend was married for 20 years, her husband worked part of the week away. Except that he wasn't, he was with his other family, 4 miles away in the next town. He was caught when his 18 year old son walked into a restaraunt and saw his dad sitting celebrating his DDs 13th birthday. Neither woman had a clue about the other, he had been with the other woman for 15 years.

Mixxy · 30/07/2013 10:01

Probably get mobbed here but any 40 year old man who lives with his mother for 5 years has to be a red flag for SOMETHING in my book.

ParsingFancy · 30/07/2013 10:02

A person who is booking a surprise holiday and gets found out says, "Oh, I was booking a surprise holiday for you."

Not, "I think now would be a good time to tell you about the wife I visit fortnightly while you think I'm at my parents'."

Belatedly trying to convince the poor OP it was a holiday for her means he's still lying and trying to conceal the actual situation.

Which pretty much rules out any of the suggested "innocent" scenarios, where he and the wife just haven't done the divorce paperwork, because there'd be no need to lie about those.

So sorry, onwards.

Treagues · 30/07/2013 10:06

Red flags are one thing. What about a man who has friends and family and a life...more of a pink flag really. It's too easy to go on the internet and say 'Massive red flag'.

LittlePeaPod · 30/07/2013 10:06

I can see what people are saying that he may not be married to her and therefore you could work this out and make it work somehow. Maybe you could and if its what you want then I wish you all the best Op. But this man spent 5 years been deceitful. Looking you in the eyes and consciously, knowingly telling you lies about his wife or ex wife, whatever she is to him. Its not the marriage. If their relationship is honestly over and there is no intimate relationship between them then his not a cheat but his still deceitful. Still if there is no intimacy then why not just tell you the truth in the first place? I am gobsmacked and I simply can't get my head around this. It makes no sense! What an awful position to be in because his either lied to you, his friends and his family or his friends and family have been complicit in the lie? Either way it makes him an utter twat!

How and where do you start to rebuild the trust? I could never again trust someone that spent 5 years telling me lies. IMHO anyone that is capable of that level of dishonestly can not be trusted - ever! What else has he lied about when deceitfulness clearly comes so naturally to him? How can anyone that cares/loves someone carry on lying for so long? I just don?t get it.

You clearly love him. Your choice is stay with him, live with/forget/forgive the lies which I personally could not do or leave him, move on with your life, try to heal the pain and be with someone that respects you, your DC and your feelings.

Capitola · 30/07/2013 10:13

Regardless of the semantics in this case of what married means - this man has lied to his gf for 5 years.

I would never forgive this deceit.

Mixxy · 30/07/2013 10:15

treagues I didn't mean a red flag as in, "this man is leading a double life, its so clear!" What I meant was a red flag about immaturity, financially reckless etc.

Treagues · 30/07/2013 10:28

Mixxy I wasn't aiming that at you: actually I agree with you! But then independence is a big deal for me personally and I don't 'get' people who live so closely intertwined with family (as some people seem to do!).

trincomalee · 30/07/2013 10:32

The lack of a divorce is a red herring. What matters is that he's been seeing his ex on a regular basis without mentioning this to you for 5 years.

Sorry, OP, but that seems more than odd if they are just friends.

LittlePeaPod · 30/07/2013 11:09

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1321645-Lonely

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1411980-complex-mental-health-problems

Op I am even more confused now and I feel terrible about what I am about to say. Please, please, please accept my sincere apology and forgive me if I have got the wrong end of the stick here. And I deserve to be lambasted by the rest of MN if I have got this all out of reason/understanding.

I am genuinely sorry for asking this but I have to because it makes no sense. I actually normally would never poke about in someone's history but I am so confused by this situation that I had a look at your previous threads totally out of character for me and never done it before. The reason I did, was to see if you have been miss treated in the past by this man. Again I am sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick and you have every right to pull me up on it.

I can see that you have had some challenging times with your ex and also have your hands full with your little one's health issues (really sorry to read about that). I understand from this thread you have been with your DP for 5 years (not living together) and your little ones love him to bits. But the other threads seem to slightly contradict this post. One of the ones attached above (from some time ago appreciated - 2011) seems to indicate that you were single less than 2 years ago and another in February 2012 which seems to indicate that you have never introduced your DS to any men understandably because he has complex health issues. But on this thread you mention you have been with your DP for 5 years. I am confused.

Again really sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick here. You have every right to have a real go at me if I am totally out of order reading into the history incorrectly and will personally request it is delete. I have been sat here not sure whether or not to post this.. I feel sick but I have to! Sorry.

mirry2 · 30/07/2013 11:16

Littlepeapod, don't worry. If you've got the wrong end of the stick i'm sure the op will come back and explain.

LittlePeaPod · 30/07/2013 11:17

I am feeling really bad about getting it wrong... Sorry Op is I have.

Glowbuggy · 30/07/2013 11:18

People often change details so they are not outed. Although this one is starting to sound a little far fetched......

Crinkle77 · 30/07/2013 11:19

I don't think his parents, work colleagues have conspired to deceive you. As far as they are concerned he is separated from his wife so there is nothing to tell.

Greenkit · 30/07/2013 11:26

Well I was married and left hubby after 7months, but remained married for 5 years as I couldnt be bothered to get it sorted. I met my new husband about 6months after we split, TBF i did tell him I was married.

So it maybe that he married her, they split and he moved back with his parents, met OP and started a new life with her. As time went on it got harder for him to tell op about his old life/wife.

You dont always have to think the worst in people.

SoupDragon · 30/07/2013 11:54

TBF i did tell him I was married.

And this is the crux of the matter.

The man in the OP is a proven liar. That is hardly "thinking the worst" of someone.

luckyclucky · 30/07/2013 11:56

That is all so very odd.

Maybe the wife is loaded so he doesn't want to divorce her.

Missbopeep · 30/07/2013 11:58

It's possible to be 'single' as the OP put it in her former posts, but still be in a 'a relationship'- have a boyfriend.
I wouldn't take the 'partner of 5 years' at face value, though can see the discrepancy between her posts here and the previous ones.

What I find more odd is that she hasn't come back...but maybe she's at work.

OrmirianResurgam · 30/07/2013 11:59

Consummate liar. Liar, liar, liar!

So sorry OP Sad

TheRealFellatio · 30/07/2013 11:59

But he still spends time with his ex wife Green and has been keeping it a secret. That's not really normal, is it?

Missbopeep · 30/07/2013 12:10

she's not his ex wife- she's still his wife. There's the rub.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 30/07/2013 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseFondueRocks · 30/07/2013 12:21

How exactly does this post " My boyfriend is like a father to my son" correspond to the "I'm so lonely. How do I ever meet a man?" post?

I don't see it.