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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So angry and upset with husband - he risked baby's life

173 replies

chuckster · 09/06/2006 19:37

Whenever it comes to reading instuctions for things & working out how things work, it's always dh who does it becaused i am famously hopeless at such things. I had always doubted that the way he'd told me to install the baby car seat was right and he assured me it was ok. Today i read the instructions myself and i could see that he must have misinterpreted them. Discussed it with him this evening and he had another look at the instructions and it turned out that my doubts were justified - for 6 weeks our baby has been travelling in a carseat which wasn't tightened properly. I feel sick at the thought of what could have happened and so angry with dh that i don't know what to do. he keeps saying sorry but i keep thinking of what could have happened because of his mistake and constant dismissal of my worries. where do i go from here - can see this spoiling things for a long time

OP posts:

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 09/06/2006 19:38

Im sure he will have learnt his lesson. It could have been sorios but it wasnt. Everyone makes mistakes and im sure he will be extra careful in future. Accept his apology and move on. Im sure he feels terrible - after all he loves your baby too.

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 09/06/2006 19:39

serious*

Dior · 09/06/2006 19:41

You have to forget it. It has been sorted and you have admitted that you rely on him because you are 'famously hopeless' at that sort of thing. You have now proved that you aren't! Nothing happened to your baby.

Of course, if it had, you would never have forgiven him, but you would have had some of the blame IMHO. Ignorence is no excuse...

Anyway, that wasn't meant harshly, but you need to move on. You will be arguing over whether to leave the window in baby's room open all night soon. There is always something! At least you have sorted it now.

SoupDragon · 09/06/2006 19:42

Everybody makes mistakes.

For a start, I'd say 90% of parents have driven off without fastening their child's car seat harness, I know my friends and I all have.

vitomum · 09/06/2006 19:43

try and move on. you will make a mistake at some point too there's nothing surer - we all do. i take it this is your first? it is an incredibly anxious time and there will be mistakes along the way but just try not to let the worry and stress preoccupy you and enjoy your lovely baby.

SoupDragon · 09/06/2006 19:43

"can see this spoiling things for a long time" Why should it? You doubted he'd fitted it properly but didn't read the instructions yourself for 6 weeks.

BagelBird · 09/06/2006 19:43

I agree. He made a mistake, he has said sorry and probably feels dreadful. Nothing happened - let it go.
If it had been you and you had misread the instructions (which are often complicated for this type of thing), you would feel awful and would not need the added guilt and stress from your DH not being able to forgive you and allow it to "spoil things for a long time".

crazychilledmummy · 09/06/2006 19:54

new baby = massive pressure to get everything right. for both of you. he didn't intentionally put your baby in danger and I'm sure he feels terrible too. Maybe next time for this sort of situation you could both do it, or one do it and the other check. When you are tired, emotionally strung out with new baby its easy to both get something wrong and also to get very anxious about what might have happened... Don't let it spoil a wonderful time in your babys life that you won't ever get again.

LIZS · 09/06/2006 19:59

About 80% of car seats are fitted incorrectly , you have at least checked and remedied the situation even if 6 weeks on. I'm sure everyone has a tale to tell - of forgetting to strap the baby seat in at all and setting off leaving dd unbuckled in my case. It happens and you just have to be grateful there were no serious consequences and focus on somethign else, preferably enjoying your baby together.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 09/06/2006 20:02

Good post Soupy, you need to build a bridge, Chuckster that is, not Soupy.

Original poster

chuckster · 09/06/2006 20:02

We used to try and sort these things out together but he said he finds it easier to concentrate without me asking questions, etc. So we agreed that for things like this, he would work it out and then explain to me. he's just been in again to apologise, i have told him know know he's sorry but just keep thinking about what could have happened. he recently told me that me and the baby were the most precious things to him (after another argument)but now even that's not true. he can be careless when reading instructions about eg putting furniture together, but i never imagined he'd be careless when it came to ensuring the safety of our baby. want to move on, but am stuck in this sea of anger

OP posts:

LadySherlockofLGJ · 09/06/2006 20:03

Well if you were my friend and you were sitting here in front of me, I would tell you to grow up.

Original poster

chuckster · 09/06/2006 20:04

probably deserve that comment! help me out of this anger someone!

OP posts:

Chandra · 09/06/2006 20:05

oh yes, everyone has a tale to tell. Dh strapped DS to the carseat but not to the actual seat when DS was only days old, in another ocassion he strappled the car seat but forgot to strap the baby to it.

Now, if you live in North Yorkshire, have a 10-12m old DD, live near a hospital and your DH drives a Mercedes, tell your husband that if he is going to place the baby carseat in the front seat facing to the front, the less he could do is to strap the baby to it.

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 09/06/2006 20:05

blimey chuckster let it go, if you do this over every "could have" you'll be a sea of anger before the year is out.

Really I think it's very unfair to blame him when you didn't even look at the instructions yourself.

A lot of shops will show you how to fit car seats, and there are often days run by ?? police I think where you can take your car seat along to make sure its fitted properly.

Twiglett · 09/06/2006 20:05

go out in the garden and scream

then come back in and get on with it

it was a mistake, nothing happened, get on with it ..you are stuck in rampaging hormones .. recognise it, admit to it and let it go

wait till one of you watches the baby roll off the bed .. or drops it .. it will happen you know.. it will

Tortington · 09/06/2006 20:06

he made an honest mistake. not worth a whole to do over it imo.

SenoraPostrophe · 09/06/2006 20:07

only you can do that chuckster.

it's really unfair to hold it against your dh though.

Dior · 09/06/2006 20:08

Honestly Chuckster - you need to let it go. In two years' time, you will look back on this an think how many other things you have done that could so easily have put your child at risk. Loads of threads on here (including one of my own!) have been about feeling bad because our baby dived off the side of the bed. 'I only turned my back for a second...honestly'.

Of course it could have been terrible, but it wasn't. You could have been run over with your baby in the pram whilst crossing the road, but you haven't. You are probably tired and a little emotional. Having a baby is an emotional rollercoaster. You need to share it with your dh, not alienate him. Try to forgive him and have a lovely weekend...

FioFio · 09/06/2006 20:08

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FioFio · 09/06/2006 20:08

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Dior · 09/06/2006 20:09

X-posted re the bed thing, with Twiglett.

Original poster

chuckster · 09/06/2006 20:09

thanks everyone! I know you're all right - just can't bear the thought of my dear baby being at risk

OP posts:

Aero · 09/06/2006 20:10

Imagine how you would have been feeling yourself if you'd made the same mistake. Well that is what he's feeling. Put your anger aside - he's clearly feeling bad enough as it is. Nothing bad happened and now presumably the seat is in properly, so you can move on. You need to put this into proportion and get on with being the best parents you can, together, to this little one.

Aero · 09/06/2006 20:11

Meant that in the kindest possible way of course. Enjoy your baby.

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