So angry and upset with husband - he risked baby's life

[chuckster]

Whenever it comes to reading instuctions for things & working out how things work, it's always dh who does it becaused i am famously hopeless at such things. I had always doubted that the way he'd told me to install the baby car seat was right and he assured me it was ok. Today i read the instructions myself and i could see that he must have misinterpreted them. Discussed it with him this evening and he had another look at the instructions and it turned out that my doubts were justified - for 6 weeks our baby has been travelling in a carseat which wasn't tightened properly. I feel sick at the thought of what could have happened and so angry with dh that i don't know what to do. he keeps saying sorry but i keep thinking of what could have happened because of his mistake and constant dismissal of my worries. where do i go from here - can see this spoiling things for a long time

You put your baby at risk when you go out with him/her in the pram. You pout them at risk letting them have a soft toy in the cot...so many risks. It was a genuine mistake. You really need to move on. We are all (mostly) mothers, and have been at the paranoid and hormonal stage. You will make your own mistakes...just you wait.

Ermh, I made a huge fuss the day DH forgot to place some gloves in baby's hands and thanks to his eczema he ended up with a Harry Potter style mark in his forehead. I have to say that I was amazed at how well he reacted when I fell down the stairs with baby in my arms while chasing one of our dogs.... so wait for your turn dear, it will come

I can remember being so paranoid Fio! I only found MN when ds was 10 months, so had to cope with it all myself. At least chuckster is on here!

Here's hoping you never make a mistake...I don't understand why you can't forgive him it wasn't intentional...you know you and the baby are precious to him...you said yourself it was a misinterpretation??!!

Try not to dwell and be happy you found out.

It happens. My 5.5 month old recently broke his arm - not my fault but I felt awful. I would have been beside myself if my DH had blamed me and not been able to let it go.

Your baby is at risk, always and forever and I think that's the hardest thing to get used to - someone said when you have children it's like having your heart outside your body.

i can understand that he misunderstood the instructions. What's making me angry is the fac tthat when i asked him about it a few times in the last few weeks, as it didn't seem right to me, he basically told me to accept what the was saying was right, he'd read the instructions poperly and everything was ok

why did you keep asking him about it then? was it because you thought things were amiss despite him saying they weren't? in which case YOU should have have taken responsibility for the instructions. Are you sure it's not yourself you are angry with???

You admitted being hopeless at these things, so relied on him. So, by default, the error was yours. Please, please get over it. There really isn't a problem here. We are all mothers, and we are all telling you to move on...

Have you tried reading other threads on the board and getting involved in some of the fun ones?

I think what's winding you up is that you knew something was wrong, kept double checking with him, and he kept reassuring you without actually checking himself? Can see why you are worried about it, but you are over-reacting. Dh didn't do it deliberately. You are both knackered, and you are full of mummy tiger 'if anyone even breathes near my precious newborn I'll throttle them' hormones.

Think the lessons are 1. you are not 'famously hopeless with instructions' - you are perfectly competent, your dh is just the sort of person who likes to get on with a job on his own. And 2. anything concerning baby's safety gets double checked by the person who didn't perform the task.

Take a deep breath and go and make up with dh. Next time I bet it will be you who does something daft - I did the very stupid 'taking small baby out of the buggy before unloading the shopping bags', the 'ds managed to fall off the bed even though I was standing in front of him blocking any potential rolling-off points' and loads more I've forgotten.

The fact remains that you could have double checked it yourself if you had doubts despite his reassurances, and you'll probably do so next time. Just how significant was his misinterpration anyway, you can sometimes fix these things in more than one way and it will still be ok. At the end of the day remember nothing bad happened

I left my baby standing up in his high chair recently. Cannot believe it. Fortunately both dh and I were there at the time, but we started to get him out of the chair, then I said something about working out what was wrong with the chest of drawers nearby, the drawer wouldn't close. Dh put him down again (seriously, I'm sure it was him!) and we both turned away and started looking at this stupid chest of drawers.

Maybe 30 seconds later we realised ds was standing up, completely unsupported, in his high chair Cannot believe we did it. Thank god Britney's paparazzis don't follow us too!

Mistakes happen. I hope my fellow Junies won't mention that at least two of them have fallen downstairs whilst holding their precious children, I can imagine the horrific anxiety and fortunately both little pips are right as rain after the experience.

Your dh did not think "hmm, shall I do this properly or shall I not bother, I can always have another baby some other time?" No of course he didn't. He made a genuine mistake and you will make genuine mistakes and there is no way round it but to forgive each other.

I do think, incidentally, that your reaction is partly paranoid new mum (totally sympathise, it comes with the territory) and partly about other issues with your dh, you say you've rowed previously - are you generally having a hard time? This really is completely normal, there have been a couple of threads about it in the last few days.

If you carry on like this your marriage will be over within the year- seriously. Someone will leave a cup of tea in the wrong place, someone will heat up food and say it isn't hot when it is, if you have stair gates someone will leave one open. Honestly get over it, you really are not being at all reasonable- he told you it was in ok because he thought it was, not to endanger your babies life!

lol!

Do you know they are not that easy for us brainy women to work out. I cant remember the statistics but they were significantly high showing that most car seats are either not suitable for the car seat in which it is placed and that a lot of folk clearly didnt install them correctly. Something as simple as the seat belt being twisted puts your child at risk. Your local council will have a number for the road safety officer in your area where you can take your car, baby and seat to be shown exactly how it is fitted. I used to get the lady to come to a toddler group I ran on a regular basis. A lot of mums found that helpful. Soooooooooooo, you may think you have mastered the art of instalment but get it checked properly before causing a rift with dh.

Btw, on your "I had asked him and he said it was fine" comment. I am sure there must be LOADS of things where dh might/does ask you if you're doing it right and you say "of course I bloody am, I AM THE MOTHER" (or words to that effect). He is bound to be equally sensitive about those areas he feels are his 'territory'. There are better ways to address concerns than badgering a person about it - not saying you did, just that you might! - we all feel threatened when our decisions are questioned. You could have checked by putting the baby in and giving the seatbelts a good yank whilst you were there together, maybe even with some excuse like "I saw someone else with this car seat yesterday and it looked a bit different ... " or something - anything!

he doesn't really question anything i do

Chucskter, sometimes I can get myself wound into a frenzy of being right and I think you might be doing just that! I do know what it feels like but in my more sensible moments I realise that being right doesn't necessarily make things better or make the other person mean and horrible. Honestly, you're over reacting!

Hi chuckster, Don't get too angry, mistakes happen. I had a good cry today because DH was rushing me to hurry up and get DD1 in to the car so that he could get back to watch the football and I didn't strap her in properly, I only noticed because she reached down to get something she'd dropped. I'll replay it and beat myself up over it for ages but you just have to think, nothing happened and "what ifs" take up too much time that you could be spending on better things

Chuckster - you have a new baby. It is normal for the relationship to be under all sorts of new pressures. Dh and I nearly split up twice (it was really close) in the first year/18 months, because ds was such a demanding baby. It will be hard on both of you, although the experience is still the best thing you will ever have IMHO. MOVE ON!

No most of the time he's not mean or horrible. he just seems to think that when he's read instructions, no one can question what he's doing, because he must be right. he doesn't even seem thankful that i discovered it was wrong