My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

Well done LW and crying is good! I have cried a lot and still do but after 8 months the good days really do outnumber the bad and I find I cry for missing family stuff not him just someone else to take the flack pour me a glass of iwne and ask about my day.

It didn't sound patronising, LGJ.
God, this is hard.

What a time to be approaching my last counselling session!

My Dad knows now & has just come round & given me the worst lecture ever.
I now feel SO upset.

He said that he would support me if I stayed & made it work, but if I leave H, I would lose my Dad too.

& have no friends

I am a real mess now

Interesting. yet another male in your life trying to control you.

He said that he would have hit me the other week when I got home late, if he was H.

So I should be grateful that H didn't.

Charming.

Surely it is becoming clearer and clearer to you.

Think that tells you everything you need to know, LW. I'm so sorry. I hope this doesn't shake your resolve, you need to get away from people who value you this little. :( Horrible to hear it from your dad though, I can't believe any parent would be so unsupportive of their child.

In a way it is.
I feel totally screwed up now.

Charming. That's why he gets on so well with your H. They are kindred spirits. And also why your mum is so much on his side. If she were to take your side, she would also have to look at her own marriage. She can't say you are doing the right thing as that would completely contradict how she has lived her own life.

This may upset you, but no dad is better than a dad who would be prepared to hit you or expect you to live with someone who would.

You're doing really well. Don't let the b*stards grind you down.

He said that H deserves a medal for putting up with me, because he used to live with me & I did bad things like leaving lights on etc, but he couldn't turn his back on me & I must not turn my back on H.

He said I am being selfish

I'm sorry you are receiving so little support from your family. Perhaps you need to move right away once you have sorted out the divorce. Your parents' attitude towards you is unacceptable and is just adding to the poison of your H's behaviour.

I see, leaving lights on is justification for the way your H has acted? Jesus.

Sorry but I am PMSL at bad things like lights on...........how dare he, how fucking dare he.

I know. I do love my Dad, but he can be a real bastard.
I thanked him for being so supportive & he said "I will support you if you stay & work it out, but remember that if you don't you will lose a Dad too & have no friends."

Who told him ?

LW dont listen! I know that is really really hard but they are wrong.

When you are in an abusive relationship it often is because you have been set up for it by patterns in your earlier life and you are now breaking a pattern set up by your mum and dad. That is fantastic and think what the benefit of breaking that pattern will be for your children. Showing your kids that this behaviour has consequences is the best legacy you can possibly give them.

It is hard to think yes I am right when you have constantly been told the oppostie but stay focussed on your needs and those of your kids and do not listen to those who set you up for what was an abusive marriage.

I speak from experience and am fighting my family as well which is hard as they shoudl support me at the moment but in the end I will break away from these destructive patterns even though it damages my relationship wiht them.

Plus how does losing your dad equate to having no friends?

How can you "work this out", LW? I assume his master plan is that you stay and be completely subservient to H's every whims, and that your boys grow up completely dominated by their father as well.

H went round to see if BIL was at my Mums & my Mum phoned me to say that H looked depressed & thin & wanted to know what was going on between us.
I told her that we may be seperating, as I cannot take anymore.
She was all poor H. She obviously told Dad & before I knew it, Dad was round here demanding I make him a cup of tea.

My Dad said that I married H for better or for worse & that I must stay with him & make it work.
I said "So you think it is better to stay in an unhealthy marraige regardless?"
To this he said "Yes"