My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

FOTM, my counsellor told me that it is a fact that we tend to seek men who are like our fathers.
Don't know how much truth there is in this, but I have married a controlling man with a bad temper, just like my Dad.

I think I would take a line here that is like Cognitive behaviour therapy in that understanding why we behave in the ways we do does not help and sometimes can hinder our progress what is important is to break the pattern.

We may or may not have chosen a man for characteristics which our fathers had or because of our own past but the thing that really matters is not why we chose them but what we do about it and if whether we stay put or move on.

LW you are breaking out of the pattern and being very strong and brave to do so. It is taking a great deal of emotional maturity and understanding certainly but imo I would focus on the practical things and getting the job done.

I am trying to do that, GF. It sometimes feels atm, like my whole world is falling apart, as smellen describes in her post.
I know it is going to get tougher & that I will also more than likely face a tough time with my parents during the process - but like I said to my counsellor, I don't need their kind of support & will try to give them a wide berth & support myself!
One day things will get easier & I am holding onto that thought!

LW you have been very strong and are continuing to be so despite your family. As I said this has meant me divorcing my mother as well whihc has caused huge ructions. It is a pattern of abusive men to wish to distance the women they abuse from their close support and is typical that they choose to use family to do so. Your H has helped in making sure that your parents are supporting his cause. I notice he has not yet had the bottle to tell his own mother and shies away from telling your kids? Why is that? perhaps it is because he is worried they may judge him more harshly!

I know weekends are hard for you but we are all still thinking of you.

It will get better but in the same way it does with kids as they get older it may turn out in a differnet way from the one you currently envisage. However hard this is for me the one thing I count as a blessing every day is that I no longer live with an abusive man.

I miss family things so much and planning for holidays together and stuff like that but gradually other things are starting to take shape for me and best of all I am in control of my own destiny. My kids are safe (for the time being in any case) from being hit and controlled and that is a huge relief for me.

There was a time in the beginning when I was so lonely I wanted him back but I resisted giving in and his increasing violence towards me (which is in my old threads) and his hostility meant that I got more and more happy in my ultimate decision to kick him out. Women who have survived abuse are so strong lw and no one will ever take that away. yet we are so used to having that controlling influence that at first it seems like we have been cast adrift (I even missed the 10 phone calls a day checking on what I was doing ffs). IN the end we build our own much better versions of life where we are in control and we make ourselves happy un reliant on anyone else.

We definitely seek out what feels normal,my stepdad was very controlling and bad-tempered.But i agree with GF,that actually doesnt matter,its what we do about it!
LW,your world IS falling apart-as it stands at present,but your NEW world will be a brighter one,change is very scary,iif you read much-try some modern buddhist stuff,its what kept me from cracking up last time-and this too.xxx

peema chodron is good (budhist nun who focuses on relationships and how to survive modern life) and I like Susan Jeffers "Feel the fear and do it anyway" another good one I have read is Bill O Hanlon (Sp?) Do one thing different whihc is superb!

I also meditate now which really helps me. Namaste as papillon woudl say!

I am at a really hard stage atm, as like you say, I cannot look forward to anything & am dreading the summer holidays, when I get 6 weeks off work. Everyone else at work is counting down the days, but I am not looking forward to them at all. Saying that - last years summer holidays were ultra miserable, as H was unbearable.
I have just had my sister on the phone telling me how her DH spoilt her on their 3rd anniversery. He took her to some posh London resturant & bought her a Gucci bag because he knew it was the year of leather!
Her life & relationship seem so perfect atm & mine is a mess! Silly things like that bring me down a bit.

Lw we have both been spoilt at times as well I am sure but it wasnt worth it. She may or may not have the perfect relationship who knows but you will too one day (actually not sure there is a perfect relationship just ones worth wroking at).

Holidays are hard and Christmas was hell for me but I know this year will be better and I will never go through it again. Also I did survive!

I think mumsnet is great and I have recieved lots of support from here, trouble is I feel sometimes like I have TOO many problems and some that I never felt before reading some of these forums! lol
Anyway, break up of a marriage or long relationship is terrible for anyone, my marriage is not perfect and I do have times when i thing I could get into my car and just keep driving. Perhaps if I didn't have my dd I would have done mby now? but I am also aware that not mny marriages are perfect and we may have problems in some areas but generally we do get on well and the love is there. As for families influences, it is because of my parents and their divorces and kids etc that I want to keep my family unit together if at all possible.

Chocolatemummy, I know that seperations are really tough on the children involved & I never wanted my children to have to go through this process, but I have tried everything that I possibly could to save our marriage & nothing has worked.
My H has severe anger & control issues & I don't want my children suffering as a consequence of this.

obviously there are some cases hwere it is actually better for the children if their parents split, this sounds like one of hem, i wasn't judging you I was just saying how my situ is.
If the children are going to grow up seeing mum and dad at war it no example of what marriage or family life should be and you will prob all get a new lease of life once you are free st start again

chocolatemummy, I'm sure your post was well-meant, but I can 100% assure you that those of us who have followed LW's story know that, despite the cost, separation is in the best interests of LW, her boys - and even LW's H, to some extent I think. As a child of divorced parents, I don't say that lightly.

LW - year of leather, I find it quite worrying that a bloke would know such a thing I'm sure a Gucci bag was not the first thing that came to mind! (Or perhaps I am just sick? Too many years living in Amsterdam perhaps?). I have friends I can no longer associate with simply because their lives seem so 'perfect' in comparison with my own - I bet they aren't really but they appear to have no sympathy with my situation, so why should I 'sympathise' with theirs?! I know that isn't the case with your sister, but still it's hard to be pleased at someone else's good fortune when yours seems all bad, doesn't it?

Remember Eleanor Roosevelt's saying: "a woman is like a tea bag. Only in hot water do you realise how strong she is".

My sister was a tad worried about what leather gift she was going to receive, tribpot!
She got into an argument with my Dad regarding our seperation & his comments were very upsetting. I have started a new thread about it.

I don't know. Once I 'escaped' to my brother & sister-in-law's after a particularly nasty row with the X. They were pretty loved up and I have to say that in a way it helped me - if some relationships work (and I don't mean to idealise them - obviously sometimes they have disagreements too) it is nice to see that it is an attainable state.

Hi LW-sorry your dad is so negative at such a time,
I like the teabag analogy!forget from whom-sorry.x