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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP got handjob off his male BF

113 replies

ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 20:38

Namechanged (hopefully). Here goes..

My DP of ten years (no DC, no problems - i think) has confessed to me this weekend that when extremely drunk staying at his mates house a couple of weeks ago he 'came too' and his openly gay (our mutual) friend was wanking him off.

He says he can't remember much else as they were both drunk, his friend stopped mid-flow because he (DP) wasn't aroused.

WHAT THE F am i meant to think?

OP posts:
Mixxy · 15/07/2013 20:42

Was it a sexual assault?

If not, I'd be thinking that your partner needs AA more than anything else.

maja00 · 15/07/2013 20:42

You're meant to think that your DP was sexually assaulted by a supposed friend?

Imnotagilmoregirl · 15/07/2013 20:42

You either need to ask more and prepare to be drip fed a very distressing story or you and DP need to have this out with his friend. If he genuinely only came too after it had started I'd go fucking ballistic. Stranger things have happened, but prepare for the worst x

NotYoMomma · 15/07/2013 20:42

that his gay bf came onto him and dh wasnt into it) was pissed?

I'd be pissed at bf but it depends if your DH told you because he was shocked and felt violated or something else?

I cant tell from yourOP tbh

KareninsGirl · 15/07/2013 20:42

Do you mean he woke up and his friend was abusing him?

Skintorama · 15/07/2013 20:44

If it happened the way you have outlined then he was assaulted.

I'm a bit confused by the tone of your post tbh.

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 20:44

DP says he wasn't assault AT ALL. And did nothing to stop it. So confused.

OP posts:
PlainOldVanilla · 15/07/2013 20:45

If that is the true version then you Nd your DP need to talk to this 'friend' and find ouT wtf was going on then report him but tbh I think you need to try and find out if this is the absolute truth first?

I hope that doesn't sound bad Hmm

Imnotagilmoregirl · 15/07/2013 20:45

Maybe it's just guilt making him tell you something. Maybe more happened and was consensual. Maybe there were mixed signals. The most pressing issue is firstly, was he awake when it started or not?

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 20:45

He can't remember what happened prior. He says. He wasn't asleep. I don't understand.

OP posts:
maja00 · 15/07/2013 20:45

It sounds like an assault - he was too drunk to consent and wasn't into it. Just because he didn't stop it didn't mean he consented to it happening.

PattieOfurniture · 15/07/2013 20:46

But he didn't consent its starting!? That's abuse imo

skylerwhite · 15/07/2013 20:46

I think the OP means 'came to' rather than 'came too', in case this causes confusion.

Hope you are ok, OP - that sounds awful for you.

KareninsGirl · 15/07/2013 20:47

Your DP was drunk, came to and his friend was giving him a hand job without his consent?

Why is your DP claiming this isn't assault?

Tattle · 15/07/2013 20:47

Just re read and couldn't make sense
Of 'came to' for minute there..
I agree with others I would regard that as sexual assault if he was woken to him doing that.

How does your oh feel about this now?
It must be playing on his mind if he has confided in you about this a few weeks on.

I would get him to reconsider his friendship and distance himself from this friend if he won't report it.

Pawprint · 15/07/2013 20:47

I'm afraid I had a similar encounter with a female friend, whilst v v drunk, recently. Neither she nor I are gay but things took a very weird turn Confused

I am married and confessed all to my dh who was more understanding than I deserved him to be. I am still mortified.

The difference with your dh's experience is that he did not, it seems, consent to the encounter. How does he feel about it now?

One thing I have learned is that getting outrageously drunk can lead to v regrettable situations. Of course, I knew that before, but I have taken serious measures to sort out my drinking.

I don't really know what to suggest - do you feel your relationship has been badly damaged?

WillYouDoTheFandango · 15/07/2013 20:48

Do you mean came to as in to his senses and realised what he was doing rather than was passed out? You need a long chat and to sort out what he's saying exactly and decide how both of you feel about it.

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 20:49

Oops Re: Came too! Came to!!!!

He wasn't asleep/unconcious and is ruling out abuse - i have gone down that road with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 20:50

Thanks Pawprint - makes me feel a bit better

OP posts:
maja00 · 15/07/2013 20:50

I assume "came to" means in an alcohol blackout (rather than unconscious) and then suddenly became aware of his surroundings.

IAmNotAMindReader · 15/07/2013 20:50

Its a sexual assault OP. Your DH was in no state to consent and is trying to minimise the assault aspect of it because that opens a can of worms regarding the trust and years of friendship this friend abused by his actions.

Lots of female assault victims go through the same process.

maja00 · 15/07/2013 20:51

Lots of people, men particularly, don't want to acknowledge that they have been abused - especially by a friend.

What does your DP think happened? If he didn't consent to it and wasn't into it?

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 20:53

That is the 'grey' area. He's not telling and i'm scared to press the issue.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 15/07/2013 20:55

Was it experimentation?your dp said not intoxicated,not asleep,didn't stop the act
If it was non consensual then that a significant issue I'd advise police if he feel able
It's tricky and will need tact, I hope you both ok

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 15/07/2013 20:57

He either did consent to it at the time and regrets it now.
Or he consented at the time, but honestly doesn't know/remember.
Or he was assaulted and doesn't want his pride to be broken.

Or perhaps something else.

Whichever way it is, it's very unfortunate and shows the dangers of drinking way too much.

I have a friend who ended up cheating on her girlfriend with a bloke when she got drunk. She's apparently completely lesbian, so it shows what alcohol really can do to you.