DP got handjob off his male BF

[ohfuckkk]

Namechanged (hopefully). Here goes..

My DP of ten years (no DC, no problems - i think) has confessed to me this weekend that when extremely drunk staying at his mates house a couple of weeks ago he 'came too' and his openly gay (our mutual) friend was wanking him off.

He says he can't remember much else as they were both drunk, his friend stopped mid-flow because he (DP) wasn't aroused.

WHAT THE F am i meant to think?

I don't understand y he is still in contact with him.

Agree with Mary. And disagree that it means he was experimenting. We are all capable of homosexual activity but are mostly oriented one way.. Being really drunk just allows subconscious or unconscious atavistic behaviour. Doesn't mean a thing but as they are friends he would have been relaxed and not 'on guard'. I think he needs to be listened to quietly and left to work it out as he wishes but without blame.

Whatever happened the op's dh is hiding something.

I think the only way to find out is for op to say she's reporting to the police. If it was assult then she's in possession of facts and she has a duty to tell the world there's a predator on the loose.

The only things that don't make sense are , he still has contact. He's adamant is not assult secure the fact that adults are taken seriously be it man/man woman to man or man to woman or woman/woman.

He can't remember what happened. Only that it wasn't assult and that it stopped.

I think there's more to it.

MaryZ: Jan's comment of "something must have instigated it" comes from the same type of attitude.

It's my initial opinion based on what I've read, nothing else. To get to the stage where he's being wanked off there must have been a lead up to that, ie, taking his trousers down for a start. Until we know for sure, everyone here is speculating. My initial thought wasn't assault though and that has nothing to do with attitude.

Secure? Despite

He is still in contact because he is not seeing it as assault. Perhaps because he acknowledges a grey area when large amounts of alcohol are involved.

Presumably the gay guy was also totally fucked and therefore would have had his own lapse in judgement and guilt to bear? Ive been drunk enough to try and get it on with inappropriate people, (inc my boss), Ive always dismissed it as mutually bad judgement

Spot on Arcticspill.

Your original post made me feel ill thinking assault. Subsequent posts come across the same way, like he's in denial. I'd go to the police.

By 'came to' does your dp mean that he can't remember anything up until that point but then his memories came back to him from then, or does he mean he was actually unconscious.
If he was unconscious then he has been assaulted. If not then he needs to speak to the friend to determine what led up to the handjob.
Either way he needs to take action about his drinking.
Until it's clear what actually happened I'm not sure what advice to give.
What does he say? Has he cheated before? Why did he confess?

I'm disturbed how many shrugs of 'eh, drunk shit happens.' No one would be saying that if it had been: I was drunk with a male friend. He pulled down my pants and started touching me.

This was a guy who was pissed off his arse, had a 'friend' pull down his pants and stroke his penis.

OP do you think maybe his adamant insistence it wasn't assault is because perhaps he did get an erection? I notice you've said more than once he was soft. It's still sexual assault if his body responded, and he shouldn't be ashamed.

X post Mary Totally agree, you worded it much better than I did.

Humiliation but the need to 'confess' is extremely, extremely common among assault victims.

Acknowledging that most illegal activity of all kinds is occasioned by drink or drugs is not shrugging it off. However his decisions now are his to make and I do not think the ops feelings should be shaken or her support affected by accusations of latent homosexuality or cheating.

Well said again Arcticspill.

I'm assuming both men were mortal at the time.

The OPs partner hasn't once said assault so I'm going on the premis it wasn't, I could be wrong yes but until we know how can anyone be sure.

Acknowledging the fact that adults do get into drunken states and do do silly things like this is in no way trying to lighten the seriousness of any assault be it sexual or not.

Some of the attitudes on this thread are very depressing. OP if your dp didn't give clear consent then its assault. Nothing can change that, not the fact that your dp was drunk, the 'friend' was drunk, or if he got an erection or not, or if he was passive to begin with or the fact that it was a 'friend', or that your dp doesn't want to class it as assault. And tbh from what you have written that is what it sounds like.

From someone who went through similar I can tell you now what not to do and that includes pressing your dp for more information, your dp has confided in you, which is a big thing to do in itself. Constant questioning will come across badly. Dont threaten to go to the police neither, thats the most fucking stupid suggestion i have every heard, thats for your dp to consider if and when he feels ready, or not if he so decides. TBH i think not making it about you iyswim, it happened to your partner and i guess he is dealing with it as he sees fit and best he can.

Even people talking about him "confessing" gives the impression that he was revealing some sort of wrongdoing on his part, hardly a great way to frame someone who is a victim (their "friend" certainly sounds as if they proceeded without consent or were at the least reckless as to whether consent had been given).

I expect he "confessed" because he is turning to someone he loves and trusts for help in trying to make sense of it all. It is also a very male response to mention something worrying them and them immediately try to minimise it or talk down how much it affected them. The whole thing will seem easier to deal with if he can convince himself it was a silly mistake or a joke. The alternative is that he spends the rest of his life as someone who was sexually assaulted, a "role that I doubt he feels able to accept as it will challenge his entire self image and sense of masculinity.

I used the word 'confess' because when I was assaulted that's the feeling I had, that I was 'confessing^ wrongdoing on my part. Shrink said it was totally normal.

All I meant was that feeling of 'confessing' is usually accompanied by minimising, denial, relief you got it out, denial, more minimising.... I'm not a man which is why I wondered if that feeling was stronger given it was a male on male assault?

Certainly didn't mean he did anything wrong. Sorry if it came across that way! :(

Jan45 "I'm assuming both men were mortal at the time."

Huh? I don't understand.

Grunt, she means that she assumes that both men were v.v. v. drunk at the time.

But i dont buy it, not for the friend. If your v. v.v. drunk then no way would you be able to pull the trousers and pants down of another adult. Friend was possible drunk but still doesn't excuse his actions.

Sounds like sexual assault of someone in a state of inebriation.

It does sound like he was assaulted in that he was too drunk to initially say no.

Mortal = extremely drunk.

Of course you can pull off trousers and pants of another when drunk, why wouldn't you be able to???

Again, nobody knows if this is assault or not, my judgement of it being two drunk friends is based on what I've read.