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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP got handjob off his male BF

113 replies

ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 20:38

Namechanged (hopefully). Here goes..

My DP of ten years (no DC, no problems - i think) has confessed to me this weekend that when extremely drunk staying at his mates house a couple of weeks ago he 'came too' and his openly gay (our mutual) friend was wanking him off.

He says he can't remember much else as they were both drunk, his friend stopped mid-flow because he (DP) wasn't aroused.

WHAT THE F am i meant to think?

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 15/07/2013 20:57

Either his friend tried it on and your DP didn't want it but doesn't want to think himself a victim or he is feeling Confused as he didn't start anything but found himself enjoying it and feels Blush.

You need to decide which you think it most likely is and if it is the latter if you want to do anything about it. If it is the former it is only for your DP to act.

MissStrawberry · 15/07/2013 20:58

Lots of cross posts there all saying similar things.

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 20:58

To be honest I had not even considered the abuse angle since he fully ruled it out - just assumed drunken gay experiment. Still so confused!

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 15/07/2013 21:02

I expect he doesn't want to acknowledge that it was non consensual. There is a stigma attached for men who are sexually assaulted and furthermore I'm sure he doesn't want to believe that of his friend. But if he was asleep/passed out when it started then that's what it was.

neontetra · 15/07/2013 21:03

Does he mean "came to" as in suddenly thought, fuck, this is a mistake? It is hard to know whether he was abused, or consesually cheating while pissed, unless and until he tells you more. It is a good sign he has opened up so far, and I am guessing he will need a patient listener. Has he intimated what he expects you to do/think? Hope you are ok, OP.

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 21:03

He wasn't asleep or passed out. He has clearly stipulated that. Just severely intoxicated.

OP posts:
Neitheronethingortheother · 15/07/2013 21:04

Tbh it sounds to me like he was aware and let it continue even if not very actively. He was prob too drunk to get hard. Why is he telling you? What is his take on it. If you said you were going to raise it, so to speak, with said friend what would his reaction be. I can recall situations where I passively let others do things to me without consent or actively participating but which still couldn't be termed assault as I could have said fuck off or gotten up.

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 21:04

Thanks everyone. Good to know you are here.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 15/07/2013 21:04

If non-consensual it was an assault,If consensual it was not assault,maybe experimentation
It depends on the account your dp gives you.what he can recall,what he will disclose

LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 21:05

See, if this happened to my DP, he would have reacted quite violently i think. He isn't homophobic, and is perfectly fine with other peoples sexuality but i know he would go ballistic if this happened to him and would be upset by it.

Thats not very helpful, but maybe just give your DP time to talk about it, if he wants to, otherwise i'd leave it as he may want to forget about it. How is he about it? Has he fallen out with his friend?

Pawprint · 15/07/2013 21:06

I think, OP, it sounds like a drunken experiment. For me, in my pissed stupor, I didn't think I was being unfaithful because it felt like a sort of sexy laugh with my girly mate.

Now, I do see it very differently, and think I behaved foolishly. The fact that my dh wasn't cross doesn't change that.

It may be that this is how your h feels. I know that, like him, neither my friend nor I can remember how it started or how it ended. It's all a regrettable blur.

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 21:08

He hasn't fallen out with his friend but is sad about his friend and they are in less contact than before.

I feel bad now as I have been upset and angry with him that he did not actively stop it, rather than sympathetic to potential abuse scenario - if it was a woman I would be livid. Sorry if that sounds daft.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 15/07/2013 21:09

I'd be guided by DP's reaction to what happened. If he is outraged, I'd be inclined to think he is telling the truth. If he seems sort of OK with it I' d think he consented.

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 21:09

Thanks again PawP

OP posts:
PlainOldVanilla · 15/07/2013 21:10

I think it sounds like an experiment tooand now he's feeling guilty this is why he's telling you. I do think you need to press the issue to find out the whole story. It sounds like there's more hes not telling you.

scottishmummy · 15/07/2013 21:13

The obvious question is why did he tell you?
what does he want to happen?
What do you want to happen?

lougle · 15/07/2013 21:15

Doinmummy, that doesn't necessarily follow.

Many, many, women have not realised that they were assaulted because they didn't try to stop a man, thought they'd let them go too far to say 'no', had too much to drink, etc.

The same can be true of men.

It's quite possible that the OP's DP didn't actively stop it because he was too intoxicated, but didn't want it to happen either. That's not informed consent.

Original poster
ohfuckkk · 15/07/2013 21:17

I don't know why he told me but it started as a jokey convo about his night out then he became distressed. Potentially because my reaction was pretty mad? or that he felt distressed about it?

I want to know the whole story but he says he can't remember. I want to know if he's bloody gay or bi or what the fuck this means!!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/07/2013 21:18

I was thinking the same as scottishmummy. Why did he tell you? When and how? What does he want to happen next?

Nagoo · 15/07/2013 21:19

What does he think?

If I were you I think I'd be 1) fucked off with our 'mate' Angry and 2) confronting him about the drinking issue.

It's no different than if a female 'friend' took advantage of him being drunk to try it on. I'd be fuming!

I've been plenty drunk in my past, enough to be 'accidentally' kissing someone, so I can see how it could get further. But I am not single anymore. I'm not 18. I've learned a bit of self-respect and responsibility.

That's the angle I'd be taking here.

How often does he get that drunk?

Doinmummy · 15/07/2013 21:19

Yes lougle I can understand that. If he had too much to drink I guess it may not have registered.

It's a very difficult situation.

scottishmummy · 15/07/2013 21:21

Two separate issues here your feelings op,his feelings and the facts of the event
Maybe he'll never disclose the events,and in that case your both left with what next
There needs to be communication and recognition things have changed

KareninsGirl · 15/07/2013 21:22

I don't think you can assume it was/wasn't assault until he tells you whether he consented or not.

Regardless of how drunk someone is, assault is still assault if consent us not freely given.

Tattle · 15/07/2013 21:23

I think regardless of how it happened I think you should treat this as a drunken fumble and act as you would in this situation,is it a deal breaker?

How do you feel about it more than anything?
Do you think you two can come through this?

I can only imagine your oh is devastated of course you will be too.
He should definitely end the friendship as it has --understatement- - crossed a line.

ThisIsMyRealName · 15/07/2013 21:23

You say he wasn't unconscious or asleep but could his friend have thought he was. If he was very drunk he may have been sat with his eyes closed looking as though he'd passed out? Just a thought.
Plus if he was very drunk he may not have registered what was happening right away and his reactions would be delayed which explain him not stopping it straight away.
It does sound like a possible assault to me.