MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

[Mixxy]

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

I meant a taxi from a station near your BIL's house. You don't appear to want to compromise though, so why go?

You have every right to not be ferried around by drink drivers. However a part of me does agree that if you learnt to drive yourself you'd solve this problem. Did you ever drive in London when you were in the UK? In my experience, driving in Manhattan/New York is a walk in the park compared to London, so agreed with others that sounds like an excuse, however your PIL's are being totally irresponsible ...

mojito Its not that they want me to go so much as they want to take the baby. Frankly, they don't care too much if I go. Nor do I.

I'd be doing something else July 4th rather than go to some BBQ with your ILs who'd rather see your DS than you anyway. Also as your DH is working that day, he won't be there to support you either.

I would not like to be driven in a car by your PILs at all regardless of whether the driver has had a few to drink or not. He may think he's fit to drive but as he is in his 80s his reaction times to traffic are a lot slower generally. He is far more likely to have a crash or confuse the accelerator with the brake pedal.

Drink driving in NJ is actually taken very seriously and a few G & Ts would certainly take him over the DUI limit. You cannot however assert that the police would not give a toss because you have not spoken to them.

MIL seems to be a bit shouty and seems to want her own way in any case so not seeing them often would be no great loss to either you or your child. Your DS needs positive role models.

Train services (particularly out of town commuterville ones) in the US are generally are not at all like those in the UK. Not all lines for instance run trains all day long even on weekdays and on public holidays many if not all stations are closed. Stations are very limited in terms of facilities as well; it's often just a platform and a car park.

swallowing Upthread I've said that me and DH have now agreed I take a cab from our apartment to BILs and I pay the nearly $300 cost. We host Thanksgiving and if they don't like it, I never have to hear about this issue again. If they agree to this, I havento learn to drive.

Have you suggested to FIL that perhaps he skips the drink for a day? Surely that would solve the issue? It's hardly a big ask of him if it means his GS gets to see the extended family, as per their wishes?

I drive in both countries, it's easier in American vs London. I hope this helps (I truly do). x

Mixxy just read that you are going o take DLessons - good on you. If you drive in the Uk then driving generally in the US is a doddle IMO - New York I found a bit daunting at first but otherwise it was soooooo easy ok I have not driven all over the US from what I have it was ok ...but good luck and go for it!!!!

I think your plan sound fine (although i'd wince at forking out quite that much for a taxi!). You make an effort this time, they make the effort next time - take it form there...

I would also encourage you to learn to drive - i was nervous about starting to drive in the US but decided to grit my teeth and get on with it. It wasn't as bad as i was expecting and I get about fine now.

Don't all ILs want to see their DGC rather than their DIL? Mine do. In fact my own gran has been known to tread on my feet and push me out of the way to get to my DC. I'm just glad they love my DC.

And could you not get. The subway / public transport as far as possible and a taxi for a shorter route from there to save some money?

yoni Yes we had mentioned before that he could skip the drink. He felt otherwise. I chose to not attend Christmas at all because he called me a 'rude bitch' for suggesting he shouldn't drink and drive at his age. My BILs wife also got an earful for suggesting it was
a bad idea to so.

Yeah, who cares if they treat you like shit and trample all over your feelings - as long as they love their DGC!

Mixxy - I wouldn't trust him not to tell you that he was staying sober, wait till you were there and then start knocking back the G&Ts.

I don't blame you for not wanting to get in a car with a drunk driver but there are other ways. You can cut the taxi fare in half by getting a lift out with pil and getting a taxi back, or using some combination of car and taxi.

Outside manhattan car is king, so you really need to get over your fear of driving on the wrong side of the road. It will give you a lot more freedom.

TBH it sounds as if there are other underlying issues here with your IL's that are exacerbating this particular situation.

I think you are completely within your rights to refuse to get in the car with the IL's if FIL has been drinking. However, I am wondering the manner in which you refused. Did you explain your concerns and ask that FIL not drink on that day if they really wanted to drive you and DS? Or was it just a flat out refusal. I can see that MIL was out of order for blowing up but maybe you came across in the wrong way? FWIW I think anyone who can't see that drinking and driving is wrong is stupid but if there were already underlying tensions I can see how it blew up.

I also think your plan for how to deal with this particular day is just storing up further trouble for the future. What if something else happens between now and Thanksgiving that gives you a get out clause for not learning to drive. Would you be learning to drive under seething mass of resentment and would it come up in future arguments. It just seems wrong to me to make a deal about something as important as this.

I'm sure there must be an easier way to handle the 4th July as a taxi there and back seems an awful lot of money. Would it not be easier to go with the IL's on the way there and then book into a hotel. Is there a nice one in that area where you and DS could have a relaxing day after all the rushing around on the 4th and then DH picks you up, any chance you could turn it into a mini break with DH?

I think there is an awful lot for you to sort out here in respect of your relationship with your IL's and this is just one example of it. They sound very hard work and hard to communicate with without offending them but you probably need to take the moral high ground here and not allow them to wind you up.

jayne Its out of state. There is no train service to where they live, but there is a bus which I could ride for an hour and a half and then wait for a cab to collect me and drop me the other 15 minutes from the bus station, with a 4 month old. On my own. For their benefit. So I'd rather just pay the outrageous yellow cab fair and leave the ball in their court.

I am also wondering how your DH gets on with his parents now. Perhaps like some men, he would just like you all to get along (with the subtext to that being that he really just wants a quiet life). That's a cop out on his part if he thinks that and does not help you at all.

My guess too re your ILs is that they have always been domineering and prickly.

I'd be actually surprised if the yellow cab driver actually knew how to actually arrive at your PILs residence outside Manhattan.

I wouldn't go at all.

They sound like horrible people.

Yet another thread to warm the cockles of us mothers of sons

If you wanted to make an effort OP, you would find a way to get there - it's Manhattan FFS not Outer Mongolia.

I understand that you don't want to be driven by PILs who have had a few, I wouldn't either but you're just using it as an excuse to be pretty unpleasant to your husbands family. Stop acting like a spoilt child and try to be a bit more constructive.

No way on earth would I pay $300 to bring my baby to a party to be pawed by people who couldn't even be polite to me.

The thing about being horrible to your children's spouses is that it tends to make them want to have nothing to do with you.

Yellow cab drivers all have GPS. Problem is, would one agree to go out of state on the 4th when there is so much money to be made in Manhattan, not waiting on the GW to get back in with no fare.

God, the mother of sons chippiness is so fucking tedious.

Yes misbeehiving, I am also a mother of a son. Lets see if you match up to her crazy. Would you announce your DILs pregnancy at a party where neither your son nor your DIL was in attendance? No? Well then you're not my MIL, so to it easy.