MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

[Mixxy]

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

No more tedious than your views sometimes AThing

Wow - can't believe people are saying the OP is the one being nasty and has a problem! Have you read the OP people?

The MIL threw a massive strop when OP said she didn't want her child being in a car with a drunk driver. The FIL has put his right to have a few drinks above the safety of his family and refuses NOT to drink - how hard is it to have a coke instead ffs? Yet he think a couple of drinks is more important and that OP is the unreasonable one!

The OP had now said that she will fork out nearly $300 to keep them quiet and is still getting abuse for not driving?!!?

You don't HAVE to drive! There are enough cars on the planet and enough traffic jams for everyone as it is. Why should OP be made to pay out for something she doesn't want or need just to ensure FIL can keep drinking?

OP - you are more generous that I would be in this situation. Enjoy the day, and don't let them make their problem yours. And well done your DH for agreeing with you.

Mixxy I can't believe some of the responses you've had.

Why should you go with people who don't care about drink driving and who have and have been extremely rude to you. They sound vile.

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't put myself in a situation where you're miles away from home and you're relying on taxi to pick you up. What if they start on you when you're there, you have no way of leaving?

Just tell them you aren't going.

And I agree with Kirsty.

If you don't want to drive then don't so it. You live in the middle of a vast city, you don't need to be able to drive.

I'm one of the ones who gets down at mil threads having three sons
But in this case I think mil caused her own problems

Op I think your compromise sounds a good one. As long as your dh continues to back you up once they've refused to come to yours and doesn't lay all the blame at your feet.

I am a mother of a son and I wouldn't go either. If they want you there, they should pick you up and not drink for a day. How hard would that be?

I think you are being given rather a hard time on this thread mixxy.

Your ILs sound vile like very hard work.

I get on very well with mine, but guess what, they are actually nice to me.

OP, you had all my sympathy until you gratuitously insulted another poster's username.

Um why do you have to taxi BOTH ways surely he woukdnt be drinking before they went? Lift there taxi home?

"OP, you had all my sympathy until you gratuitously insulted another poster's username."

:o

I know, if someone said something about not liking the song my username is from I would cry ALL DAY.

I lived in the States and found the attitude to drink driving a bit shocking. It's really seen as the standard way of doing things most places. Things are changing slowly in a few places, but not many and older people in particular are affronted by the idea they ought not to drive after drinking. In some of the Southern States there are drive-thru liquor stores. And people aren't just close to the limit when they get in the car, they can have been drinking all afternoon. If someone is having trouble standing or walking to the car then someone might try and stop them, but it has to be pretty bad. This attitude is reflected in the accident rate I the US. Roads are a lot more dangerous there.

OP there is nothing you can do to change their attitude - it's a cultural belief, you're just one (foreign) voice and they don't really like you so you aren't going to change their perspective. The taxi, Thanksgiving and learning to drive sounds like the best plan for keeping the peace.

I wouldn't pay the cab fair - it's an extortionate amount of money to spend on a lift to a BBQ.

I totally agree with you not wanting a lift with your ILs too.

It sounds like there are further flash points between you and them, so not a happy relationship anyway.

All that said, I agree that you should learn to drive over there (or just drive anyway since you have a UK licence?). Not just for events like this, but for convenience as your family grows up. What happens when your child needs to get somewhere outside of Manhatten for some reason when he is older (parties, friends, trips away etc). Are you going to refuse him because you wouldn't learn to drive?

I know that you have come up with a 'plan', but you could reconsider the driving aspect. TBH you come across as a little inflexible.

Wow, so much outright hostility for Mixxy ! For what it's worth some of you are being as bad as the ILS. She & husband have agreed on a compromise & still the nastiness goes on? What about the"I wish you 4 sons with evil wives" comment - I mean WTAF?!!
Mixxy you know you have to keep your child safe. How you go about it is absolutely up to you just like it is for everyone else on here (!).For what it's worth I would not get into a car with a drunk/ tipsy or whatever driver with or without my child! Good luck, & I hope the compromise works out.

I just had to check whether this was in aibu.

It doesn't have to be a yellow cab, in fact you can't call up a yellow cab to get you home anyway, so you'll have to arrange a car service, which might be cheaper.

Yep, another mother of a son here who wouldn't dream of going to a party without my dh with rude drink driving in laws. My in laws have been nice recently so have spent time with them and my ds without dh but sure as hell wouldn't if they were nasty nor would i feel obliged to. And it's not compulsory to drive, not if you live in the city!

mixxy your ILs are absolutely awful to suggest that it's ok to drive anyone drunk. End of.

However is it really necessary to get a cab door to door - my cousins live out there, could you not take the train to Short Hills or Milburn from Penn Station and then book a cab to meet you to take you from just the station to their house? (This is what we did last year for a wedding where we knew we didn't want to drive, DS was 8 months.) If your DS is 4 months old it should be relatively easy to have him in his car seat on the train clicked into the stroller, and then strap him into the back of a cab - that would also avoid going through the Lincoln Tunnel on the 4th of July which might be hellish.

(Also is your DH in battle of the bands? )

Wow, thank god some more sane people have arrived on the thread. I cannot believe how nasty some folk have been to the OP. Or rather, yes I can because there are some (same old) judgy smug folk out there. Stick to your guns Mixxy, why should you shell out money for a taxi, money for driving lessons (that you don't need as you live in Manhattan an use public transport) just because ONE person cannot make a sacrifice for ONE day and not drink, and potentially not kill you, your son, himself and countless others.

(PS I wouldn't blame you if you didn't go at all after your MIL's ridiculous performance and her . However if you and your DH have decided that you will shell out for the cab fares I would think taking NJ Transit at least out to the Short Hills area would be less of a headache than a car service all the way there.)

I understand that you don't want to be driven by PILs who have had a few, I wouldn't either but you're just using it as an excuse to be pretty unpleasant to your husbands family. Stop acting like a spoilt child and try to be a bit more constructive. Wow MissBee

This is to the woman who has said she will pay $300 to get to a party because her FiL will otherwise drink and drive them home. She should be more constructive. She is unpleasant. She is spoilt.

Beginning to see the makings of the MiL you're going to be!

Mixxy - what are your plans for the 4th if you don't decide to pay $$$ to sit for hours on a bridge in a cab to bring your baby to see people who have told you they don't want your company?

mixxy I drive confidently in the UK but didn't drive when I lived in MA. I completely understand why you don't feel safe doing that. For me it wasn't about other drivers but about being certain that I would one day drop my guard and instinctively turn the wrong way into oncoming traffic. Some people can switch, some can't.

. AThing