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Original poster

MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

323 replies

Mixxy · 27/06/2013 05:08

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 05:59

Train doesn't go to where ILs live in NJ. I don't feel safe driving here, I would be terrified to drive my child.

Maybe I just don't want to go. Perhaps I will just email them all CC telling them to go screw.

As for it being unfair on my DC, they all work in Manhattan if they ever wanted to drop by and see him. I
mean they all found us within a few hours of the birth...

OP posts:
Jaynebxl · 27/06/2013 06:02

Since they are family it seems to me it would be a good idea to work out a way round this. Family parties are not going to go away. So either sort out your driving, go as far as you can on public transport then get a cab, stay over (I know you said they live near you so no point staying over but they clearly aren't THAT near) or get DH to use up a day's leave, or to come pick you up after work.

While I understand and totally agree about the drunk driving I would also be cheesed off if my son and his wife and child lived near and the wife wouldn't bring the child to anything. There must be a way to make this work.

Jaynebxl · 27/06/2013 06:03

DO NOT email and tell them to go screw! These are your husband's family.

claraschu · 27/06/2013 06:03

Driving in the US is SO much easier than here.

Also, I don't believe that people are constantly lurching around in a drunken state and driving dangerously. People here (drunk or sober) drive MUCH closer together, faster, and more impatiently. Americans are always scared by the pace of British driving. Drunkenness isn't the only cause of accidents.

I might not want to get in a car driven be people in their 80s, even if they are sober.

Where outside Manhattan is this picnic?

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 06:14

claraschu It's rural Springfield Township.

There are so many drunk drivers here, and more son on public holidays like the 4th.

It seems the consensus is that I should learn to drive over here, though terrified and feeling unsafe doing so, in order to ferry my DS to ILs unwilling to come to our place (cat allergies sniff) so that they can have a better relationship with him whilst caving to hissy fit from MIL. Okay, driving lessons it is. I'll be seeing them July 4th 2016.

OP posts:
KingRollo · 27/06/2013 06:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolStoryBro · 27/06/2013 06:18

Holy fuck. My user name was made up by my teenage son as a joke. I'm not the one sat here whining that I can't possibly drive anywhere and blaming it on everybody else. Get a grip and either say you're not going or just go.

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 06:21

Oh I've said I'm not going. That's why DMIL came around to scream at my DH.

I'm not blaming anybody.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 27/06/2013 06:26

You could, for the future, learn to drive/get US license then you could get a train to an NJ station and hop in a hire car that end. 4th of July is a big deal, isn't it? So while the drink driving is genuinely a big deal, refusing all traditional family events seems a bit much.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 27/06/2013 06:26

So it sounds like this has been going on a while but if you really don't want to offend them then you are going to have to start making an effort.

Swallowingmywords · 27/06/2013 06:38

I don't believe that there is no stations or taxis. I just think you don't want to go, you sound hard work and very precious.

BeckAndCall · 27/06/2013 06:39

Just to derail the thread, CoolStoryBro is a genius user name and is a phrase that makes everyone in this house fall off their chair laughing if used in the right context. Its a hugely withering put down! Stick with it CSB!

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 06:40

I should start making an effort because the we can't ignore the issue for ever. DH and I have come up with this option. I pay the $280 in cab fairs for this July 4th and we invite them to Thanksgiving at our place (my parents will be visiting). If they object to Thanksgiving at our place, we never have to hear a peep from them again. If they agree to Thanksgiving at ours, I have to take driving lessons. Seems fair, right?

OP posts:
poodletip · 27/06/2013 06:41

I presume you do get in a car sometimes with other people driving? So it's not really the other people on the road that's the issue then is it because they're all still there. I understand that it's scary but some lessons would surely help. It's really not worth causing a huge family rift over. Unless you hate them anyway.

HenWithAttitude · 27/06/2013 06:43

I don't think you should either learn to drive, get a taxi or a train. Its your right to not do so. Your relatives may feel upset that your stance on driving stops you joining them but tbh if anyone came and shouted at me like that I'd have bigger reasons to not join them!

I think the degree that their upset is justified depends on whether you would make the effort for another person e.g. Friend. If you would then I can see their point.

Family are great if its a cohesive loving family. If it's a tension filled, guilt tripped controlling environment then you're better off without. Having said that... Too many families miss out on the support that you get from family because of stupid misunderstandings which boil over into major disputes.

I think most families benefit from clear boundaries and effort.

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 06:43

swallowing Reread the thread. There is always a taxi, but it is expensive.

Precious? How twee of you.

OP posts:
Slainte · 27/06/2013 06:44

Also, don't forget that as your DC grows he will also want to see and have a relationship with his extended family. It's not just a case of "oh well, if they want to see him, they know where we live".

HenWithAttitude · 27/06/2013 06:46

The boundary in this case is the drinking and the effort is either the driver not drinking or you getting alternative transport. Sounds like you have a plan.

HenWithAttitude · 27/06/2013 06:48

I think this thread would have gone so many other ways if someone had posted as the FIL, saying he was going to drink and drive because his DIL doesn't drive in their country. I think people might have focused a bit more on the fact that not drinking is not the end of the world.... And a small price to pay to see a grandchild ?

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 06:50

Funnily enough Slainte, there was already uproar when I said I'd be going home for Christmas. Because the ILs are only side of his extended family. Smile

OP posts:
kelda · 27/06/2013 06:56

May be a silly question, but is public transport not an option?

Jaynebxl · 27/06/2013 06:56

Still can't see why DH can't take July 4 off and go too, or come pick you up after work and see his family on the holiday too. Or you stay over just one night.

Ah yes I can see a reason... It's because you don't like them and don't want to go. Especially since you have already announced you are making a much bigger effort to see your family for Christmas.

MojitoMagnet · 27/06/2013 06:58

I agree it seems to me that you don't actually want to see your inlaws and the driving issue is a convenient excuse.

tbh I don't blame you - you wouldn't be the only one who didn't fancy spending extensive time with the in-laws, especially if DH will be working and so not there to back you up. My DH and I both get on really well with each others parents but even so neither of us would expect the other to go and take the DC to spend time with the in-law set of parents alone.

If you do get on well enough to make an effort there are clearly plenty of options to get around this issue (if it was me, I think I'd be asking to stay over at the BILs house but that's just one of dozens of ideas) but if you don't that's fair enough. The thing is, that there are so many options that it is reasonable of your MIL to be annoyed at you using this excuse because it is transparrently an issue that you could get around if you wanted to. I think you'd be better off not using this as the reason not to see them.

Partridge · 27/06/2013 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 07:04

jaynebxl My husband can't take the 4th off as he is performing at Lincoln Center.

I posted the plan we made up thread.

I haven't spent Christmas at home in 8 years. Sick of jumping through hoops. I don't know if anybody remembers the last crazy MIL thread, but mine was the one who rang The Consulate General of Ireland in NY telling them that they couldn't issue my son an Irish passport because I was mad and that he was born in America. Dont know if she'd hate a few...

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