MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

[Mixxy]

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

It is not a cultural difference. All countries have elderly drivers and generally speaking their reaction times are much slower. There is also far more traffic on the roads. Also many drivers in the US have automatic cars; how many times have we heard about people both her and abroad getting mixed up between the accelerator and the brake pedal.

Re Mixxy's FIL he is irresponsible. Such arrogance/pride could in the end cause a serious accident and then he will really have the law book thrown at him. Mixxy's DH should now address this issue of his Dad driving before his dad or any other innocent motorist or pedestrian is killed.

I think you're doing the right thing, OP, and that you're being more than accommodating in facilitating your (maaaaad) ILs.

I (fellow Irisher) would also like to note that I think you're fecking hilarious, "hegemonic power of beans on toast" has fucking slayed me.

I really disagree about it being a US/UK cultural difference, I think it's a generational thing where attitudes to alcohol are more lax in some older people.

My American grandfather would be in his 90s if he was still alive and he used to see nothing wrong with downing a couple of manhattans and driving out for dinner, having a a bottle of wine, a glass of scotch and then weaving home in his Lincoln Towncar. However my American cousins (all under 40) are even more militant than many in the UK about alcohol and driving, they would say even a single sip is too much (one cousin got worked up about driving following consumption of a single non-alcoholic beer which said "0.5% alcohol or less").

But even if it were a cultural difference, no matter what, OP is being totally responsible and reasonable to keep her family out of the car when FIL is at the wheel.

Am I the only one who would not want 4mo in car driven by 80 year old (even sober)? DH's gran drove into a lamp-post in her 80s and was sober, think of that horrible school crossing accident in Wales recently

No. My mum is almost 80 and she's a bloody good driver. Being older doesn't equal bad driver.

There are direct trains from Penn Station to Short Hills in Milburn, just a mile away from Springfield Township.

I think on the cultural or generational difference thing it depends where you are. In many cities in the US, especially on the coasts, I think it's true that younger people are more anti-drink driving. Hardly anyone I knew would drink and drive in NYC (hardly anyone drove!) or San Francisco or Portland. But I didn't find that to be so true out in the sticks (Northern California for instance) or in some of the more Southern orpoorly served by public transport cities, like Vegas, New Orleans, or Orlando.

Swallowing - how do you know??

swallowing I've reported your post. Totally uncalled for.

Nothing at all on here that indicates embellishment. OP doesn't want to shlep 45 mins to Penn Station, then take a 45 min train, then book a cab. I suggested that option way upthread, she had valid reasons for rejecting that option.

The OP doesn't want to use public transport on 4th July in NY/NJ with a baby, a bag and a buggy.

She just doesn't. That's her position.

With which I sympathise.

She'll start with the driving after Thanksgiving if the PIL make an effort, so that her effort is worthwhile.

And I've got a US passport and I've had personal calls from the consulate here in London, my uncle's had calls from the Irish embassy in NYC, so I don't know why that is so hard to believe either.

YANBU to not want to get in the car with drink drivers.
YABU not to sort out your own driving issues, or find an alternative means of getting to the event.

I can't see for the life of me why anyone would think the Irish Consulate in NY wouldn't, you know, call Irish people with whom they have dealings. FFS.

I honestly can't tell why OP has brought so many very odd [sceptical] opinions out of the woodwork. She has been nothing other than reasonable. And should everyone expect her to shlep around NY in the stinking heat on woefully rubbish transportation? No, in fact they should go and shite.

MrsC I think the transport issue is a red herring. If it were my MIL having a party I would tie myself in pretzel-like knots to get there. The point is that OP's ILs are nasty toxic pieces of work so of course she's not going to go above and beyond to the event. She has plenty of alternative means of getting there that are not reasonable in the circumstances (toxic ILs being number one on that list).

Gobbolino was pointing out upthread that if you use transport issues as a reason not to go to a family event you lay yourself open to people suggesting things - take the train! learn to drive! book a car service! there must be a bus! get adaptors for the pram! etc etc.

What the OP probably wants to do really, and entirely reasonably given the nastiness of her ILs towards her, is say "actually, even if you lived across the hall I wouldn't come. All future communications and contact with DS through DH please."

I think the odd opinions are the people who think that a parent should suck up toxic behaviour and bend over backwards so their children can have a relationship with GPs. So you get people saying YABU, learn to drive as it's unreasonable to miss family functions - well it's not unreasonable if your ILs are toxic pieces of work.

Sorry, point of first para above was to say that my MIL is lovely, so I would go through hell and high water to get to a party she was having no matter how uncomfortable. Whereas I wouldn't cross the street to attend something if my FIL was there.

I think you sound toxic, precious and a bit passive aggressive tbh. Its all me me me. I wouldn't get in the car with my sons and a drunk driver but I would find a way to get there without all this 'cant do this cant do that' and threatening that they will never see the GS again is just rather - nasty - really

I wouldn't lift a finger to try & see such people, nor would I give a fuck if they didn't see my son tbh.

Jack read my post of Thu 27-Jun-13 12:09:11 summarising the IL's behaviour. Then come back and tell us if you disagree with what diddl says above.

I never threatened that they would never see DGS again, I just wont be breaking my back to assume all the responsibility for it. You sound like a four drama queen who hasn't read the full thread.

I've only ever dealt with the Irish Embassy in London and they've always been fab, great on communication and my passport takes far less time than my British one. Never struggled to get through to them on the phone either.

Mixxy, I think you're aiming for canonisation! You've been far more tolerant and forgiving to the PIL than their behaviour merits and it's very kind of you. There is no way I would be going to my MIL's events without DH if she acted like yours had. I've done the Foreign Birth Registration with both my DCs and none of my ILs would have dreamt of interfering with it. The sheer effrontery of trying to cause problems with your embassy and the control-freak behaviour of wanting the grandchild to be American and nothing else, just blotting out your side of its heritage would have been the final straw for me. I would have refused to visit her without DH after that and would only have accompanied DH when it suited me to. I would be leaving it to DH to maintain the relationship between his parents and his children.

I also believe an invite is just that - an invite, not a command performance. You're not obligated to shlep yourself and a young child across state whenever anyone throws a party. The picnic on the Hudson with your friends sounds much more fun.

I think you sound toxic, precious and a bit passive aggressive tbh. Its all me me me. I wouldn't get in the car with my sons and a drunk driver but I would find a way to get there without all this 'cant do this cant do that' and threatening that they will never see the GS again is just rather - nasty - really

Funny that, because rather nasty really is exactly how you sound

It's hilarious that some people are basically telling Mixxy to suck it up and get into a car with a drunk driver. A drunk driver, no matter what country or side of the road they're on, is still a drunk driver ffs.

Would the reactions be different if the OP said she was living in the Uk or Ireland and her ILs wanted to drunk drive her and the baby home? It's such an odd selection of replies on this thread

Weird thread. Surely the FIL could just not have a few gin and tonics?

Wouldn't that be easier than the OP taking a test and hiring a car?

Go to the Hudson OP. You'll have a much nicer time.

I've read it all Mixxy and you sound great-sensible and cool headed.What rightminded mother would take a baby in a car driven by half drunk octagenarians.And for the record your MiL is rapidly outing herself as a raving nutter! Your solution for the 4th and after is both kind and rational.