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Original poster

MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

323 replies

Mixxy · 27/06/2013 05:08

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 27/06/2013 08:53

Hi OP.

You asked if anyone has any similar experiences or advice. I get a lot of flack in the UK from some relatives because I choose not to own a car at present. They take it as a personal affront and sometimes act as though I've spoiled their lives. In some people, a non-driver can provoke an almost visceral reaction, similar to that sometimes reserved for vegans. However I do not ask for lifts from them, and am happy to sort myself out with cabs, buses and trains, and occasionally miss events I can't get to.

If you stick with the cab plan, I was wondering if it would be possible for one of the ILs to pick you up sober, and then you hire a car back.

I am glad your DH backed you up on never allowing a drunk person to drive you or your DS. Stick with the message. Maybe your DH could also tell his mother to calm down when she's in your home.

LineRunner · 27/06/2013 08:54

I mean hire a cab or driver&car, back.

diddl · 27/06/2013 08:57

I wouldn't go tbh.

Your ILs sound awful.

There's no way I would be facing them without my husband!

And the driving-do it if you want to!

Xiaoxiong · 27/06/2013 08:58

I agree with Gobbolino that getting the carseat adaptor for your stroller will be well worth it - we only used ours (for our BJCM) 3 or 4 times but those times they were absolute lifesavers and we're getting a second use out of them for DC2.

You never know when you might want to go out to the Hamptons or something this summer and then you'll at least have the option of LIRR and then a cab to the beach Smile

CoteDAzur · 27/06/2013 08:59

Is it your plan never to go to any family event outside of Manhattan on a holiday like 4 July, since you feel other drivers will mostly be drunk? What about weekends? How about nights out? Lots of drivers drive home rather drunk on weekend nights.

If you were serious about this, it sounds like you need help to work through this anxiety.

As for the BBQ, get a lift there with them (before they've had a chance to drink anything) and ask them for the cab fare for the way back home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2013 09:00

I'd rather be watching fireworks on the Hudson instead of schlepping over into the back of beyond to see people who really do not like you and also only tolerate you (and barely at that) because of your child. You are an afterthought or irritation to such people.

(Many NJ Transit stations are just a car park and a platform; there are simply no taxis at such places awaiting passengers. These would have to be pre-booked. Train services in the US are not like in this country where trains do run all day long).

HandMini · 27/06/2013 09:06

Mixxy I can't drive so I understand your situation BUT I have never cried off a family (my family or inlaw) gathering because of it. If my DH can't make it to an event (he drives) I use public transport.

You seem totally against using public transport for this ocassion and thats whats annoys me about your position.

I accept that you've decided to take some lessons and learn for future occasions and good for you, I'm learning too and it's hard when you're older / nervous driver.

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 09:07

cote It is my plan not to attend any family events where my DH cannot drive. When we used to spent the 4th on the Cape, we always stayed home because of the drunk drivers, so yes, we have alwaus stayed off the roads on the 4th, Memorial Day and Labor Day. Thanksgiving was the exception to the rule.

I don't need money from my ILs. I need a modicum of respect and reciprocity.

OP posts:
AllYoursBabooshka · 27/06/2013 09:09

Surely the quickest, most reasonable solution here was for FIL not to drink and drive?

Why should the OP make such a huge effort to haul herself all that way to visit people who throw hissy fits because she refuses to put her herself and her DS in danger from his drunk driving Grandfather?

Seriously Mixxy, go the Hudson and enjoy yourself, they obviously don't want to see your DS so bad that they would pass on the booze for one day. That's not your problem, you're just being a good mother.

DH and I wouldn't let my DS be driven around by his Grandfather because he refused to wear his glasses while driving, the optician told him it wasn't safe to drive without them.

We only found that out when FIL almost got into an accident with us in the car and MIL squeaked about how they wouldn't be covered by their insurance, not that he had almost killed everyone. Things were a little huffy there for a while but he wears them now though. :)

I can't imagine what I would do if he tried to drink and drive.

I'm the mother of a son and I would welcome any of my future DILs to tell DH to fuck off if he was being such a twat, infact I would back her up completely.

HandMini · 27/06/2013 09:09

Cote - ask them for the cab fare for the way back home why this? Why should ILs pay for cab fare?

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 09:11

mini I drive back in Europe, just not here. Public transport in the States suck. You can give out all you like about British Rail, but it goes places.

Taking all the crap for the baby on public transport would be hours of schlepping and waiting in 93 degree heat. I'll take the cabs, its easiest.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2013 09:11

Mixxy,

You won't get either from your ILs because they are prickly to start with.
They would have likely acted the same regardless of whom your DH married. Their opinions are too entrenched.

(NJ Transit are running their Sunday service on July 4th).

HandMini · 27/06/2013 09:11

Allyours - yes, most simple and least twattish solution is for FIL to stay off the booze, or MIL to drive, but I'm assuming neither of these situations is possible, esp as OP can't totally shadow FIL all day to ensure he doesn't have a few crafty ones.

ExcuseTypos · 27/06/2013 09:12

Handmimi "You seem totally against using public transport for this ocassion and thats whats annoys me about your position"

But why should she attend an occasion, on her own, with people who have been extremely rude to herConfused

diddl · 27/06/2013 09:13

"Seriously Mixxy, go the Hudson and enjoy yourself, they obviously don't want to see your DS so bad that they would pass on the booze for one day. That's not your problem, you're just being a good mother."

I'll second that.

Xiaoxiong · 27/06/2013 09:13

Attila if that's aimed at me I fully agree with you about train travel in general in the US, but if it's to Springfield Township there are trains every hour out to Short Hills from Penn Station that takes about 45 mins IIRC. And I did suggest booking a cab to meet them at the station Smile

It costs $8 one way - which sure beats a $280 round trip!!

I agree about going with the fireworks though - I wouldn't be seeing the ILs at all if they called me a rude bitch, all communication and contact with your DS should go through your DH, if he still feels the need to maintain a relationship with them after their behaviour towards you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2013 09:14

Is is that you are taking a cab both ways because DH originally suggested it. Many yellow car drivers actively refuse to drive anywhere outside of Manhattan and into NJ because they do not know anywhere outside of that island.

HandMini · 27/06/2013 09:20

Excuse - it's fine to say no to a social event if you just dont want to go, but you cant use driving excuses instead of being honest about your reasons.

I also think that there's a level at which parents need to suck up some IL behaviour and accept that they would rather their children had a relationship with slightly twattish ILs than cut things off / have huge blow ups. Obviously if your ILs are abusive / toxic / dangerous, it's an easier call to just say no. I don't know Mixxys situation as I haven't seen her other threads but from what's on here I think her ILs sound difficult and rude rather than dangerous (providing you don't get in a car with her FIL!!)

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 09:22

The reason we went to the cab idea is because the during our wedding celebration the ILs hosted a party. We wanted to drink at it and so we got a yellow cab there and a gypsy cab back at a cost of $280 including tip. I'll do this one last time. Then they can make the effort to come to our Thanksgiving. If they do I'll learn to drive. Its made DH happy and I'm fine doing it. Besides, I'm only there to breastfeed the child. If Im having a really shit time, I can rush back to the city for the Hudson stuff.

OP posts:
phlebas · 27/06/2013 09:24

but why would you spend time with people who are difficult & rude?

(I am Mother Of Boys btw, hopefully I'm not stupid enough to call any of my sons' future partners a rude bitch)

catsmother · 27/06/2013 09:25

Forget the logistics - the ILs sound like nasty rude arrogant shit stirring (consulate thing FFS!!) people and I think the OP was doing very well to even consider going there at all when she's clearly not liked and when they were prepared to put the safety of herself and her baby at risk. Sounds like she's bent over backwards to be accommodating - which, you might say, is what any decent host would do .... but ILs can't forego alcohol for one day. Is that really so much harder than having entire apartment steam cleaned and cat boarded ?!?

(I'm the mother of a son too - and strangely enough, can still recognise petty spite, irresponsibility, meddling and bad manners when I see it. Being the mother of a son doesn't give you carte blanche to trample over other people).

OP - why put yourself through this ? I know you're probably thinking along the lines of "keeping the peace" etc but it's not going to be peaceful is it .... just a pain in the backside getting there and back, a very frosty welcome and PILs getting what they wanted after throwing a strop at your very justified refusal to be driven by someone over the limit who aren't prepared to compromise one little bit.

ExcuseTypos · 27/06/2013 09:25

handmini So calling their DIL nasty names and phoning an embassy to say their DIL is mad are just "difficult and rude"?

I'd call that abusive and toxic and I wouldn't go to a family gathering on my own. I would go with my DH there for support.

LtEveDallas · 27/06/2013 09:27

Seriously Mixxy, go the Hudson and enjoy yourself, they obviously don't want to see your DS so bad that they would pass on the booze for one day. That's not your problem, you're just being a good mother

and I'll third it. Don't go Mixxy.

Oh and someone above said But it is your responsibility to foster a relationship between your child and your husband's family

Why on earth is that Mixxy's responsibility? Why not her husbands or her ILs?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/06/2013 09:29

This reply has been deleted

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AllYoursBabooshka · 27/06/2013 09:29

I also think that there's a level at which parents need to suck up some IL behaviour and accept that they would rather their children had a relationship with slightly twattish ILs than cut things off / have huge blow ups.

Nonsense. How can you possibly have any respect for someone if you can't level with them like an adult?

I am DSs mother, that doesn't give me automatic Twat Rights over his future relationships and children.

I am an adult and if I am being an arse I want to be told so, not patronized and placated.

Yes certain things should just be let go, it's like that with any relationship but resentment grows and festers. In the OPs case her ILs are being dangerous.

Would you all be so forgiving if the Grandfather suggested driving them home after smoking a massive joint? Or doing a line of coke? It's all against the law, just like drinking and driving.