Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

Fairenough, I missed that. Are you sure?

No, I think she said that he didn't like calling it an EA (damn right he doesn't - because he hasn't actually held his hands up and been a man and made a proper apology about any of this!).

I also get the feeling that there is to be no further counselling - or am I wrong Faulk?

Ah yes, that's right, she doesn't refer to it as an emotional affair because he doesn't like it to be called that. It amounts to the same thing though, as far as I can see.

Doesn't seem to be much difference, does there? Discounting a chap's little sensibilities, of course.

If admitting that you have feelings for someone else, that you have a connection and are soulmates isn't an EA, I don't know what is. I don't know what it will take him to see sense but I really hope it happens soon. But I suspect the damage has already been done.

I'm confused with what's going on with the counselling full stop.

The poster said she was going to Relate counselling on her own months ago when this started.

Is the latest one a different counsellor?

Did you go back to counselling this week Faulk or did you not bother with it?

Wow - you must really love him. It doesn't sound like he is worthy of it right now I must admit!

I hope that you have been back to counselling and that he has agreed to stop doing the music lessons as you asked.

I don;t think she'll be back. I think she will stop the counselling and he will continue the lessons and she will just put up and shut up. All to keep this 'man', to keep 'the family together' -until he decides to leave, as he did before to his previous fiancee. Incidentally, why did he get engaged to her, but not you, faulk?

I think Faulk will take a break, like she did before, to give herself time to think things over. It's all a bit raw at the moment and it can't be pleasant with us all picking at the scab (sorry couldn't think of a nicer way to put it, but you know what I mean).

MN isn't going anywhere and we will be here when you are ready to come back Faulk. We've been harsh, we've been honest but we also do understand that it's not as easy as we make it sound.

The problem isn't going to just go away on it's own. You may be able to live with it, you may not. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi. Latest:
me: so, when shall we book our next Relate appointment?
him: Oh, um, do we need to? I thought things were better.

I have been to CAB and got a load of info, next appt with them on Tues. Still looking at flats to rent, not sure what benefits I'll get yet.
Shall book Relate appt and he can come or not.
Shall book solicitor 30 mins free consult.
WIBU to take a day or so off work to do some research? I finished early today because I just couldn't bear to be there another minute. I am a music teacher, and had nothing left to give the precious tuneless darlings.

Bored with it all now.

Faulk there is only one thing you can do, and that is to refuse to put up with their abuse any longer.

There is nothing else you can do.

Yes to CAB, good to hear that they may be helpful to you.

Yes to relate but can you go on your own? I really don't see the point of counselling with him as he's still in denial.

Yes to solicitor - well done you have been busy.

And yes, yes, yes to taking some time off work to find out more.

Just gathering the information you need will make you feel stronger and more in control of your own destiny. You don't have to do anything until you are ready.

There's a sentence that keeps repeating in my head. Was it someone on here or did I read it?
You (DP) have made a choice; choices have consequences; I also can make a choice. I choose not to put up with this.

I'm enjoying the new you! You have literally tried everything his way, and been so careful - and this is his reaction? Keep breathing.

"I thought things were better???!!!"

It's not often that words fail me.

Inthedusk / Faulk (I never know which to call you!) so now you have made some choices and perhaps re-evaluated your own worth. I've kept quiet ever since you latched on to one thing I said in a post, choosing to ignore all the rest. I'm glad you now have the strength to see that your dp was putting himself and others before you.
You sound like a different person, maybe how you would have been before all of this ground you down?
Do go to the counselling session even if dh chooses not too. Despite going round and round in mine, I did find it helped me identify the issues in my marriage and what they were doing to me. You might also find the counsellor is rather different without dh around.

And what clam said.....
Why bother to explain or try to put things right - sorry is enough isn't it? Errrrm, not really.

Have you realised he is paying you lip service and doing the bare minimum to get you to STFU and get back in your box yet?

Book yourself a counselling session alone and find out why you think this is all you deserve.

Happy to see you back. I echo Fairenuff.

Do go to Relate alone _many do. I think he sees which way the wind blows and has ducked out as it would be too uncomfortable .

By all means take some sick leave and see how you stand.

It takes lots of time for most people to process this stuff, for many of us. It is a dawning realisation. As you shift and get angrier a lot of pennies start to drop, and the counselling will really help.

Yes, consequences and choice.

I thought things were better oh hold me while I laugh. Very, very hollowly.

Not one word that has come out of your mouth has he listened to.
Not one word that has come out of your mouth has he taken seriously.

I'm not surprised you're bored with it, Faulk.

You are worth a thousand more than him.

So are your children.

Start to imagine that your life will be better without him swanning around lording it up as fancy arse music wanker!!!

I'm sorry to hear he's still fundamentally not getting it, but delighted that you sound strong & determined.

One thing - it shouldn't be you who has to move out, it should be him.