Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Hope you and your dc's are ok.

Take care.

[Scarymuff]

Did you talk to your ds faulk about the possibility of a split?

[intheduskwiththelightbehindher]

no change re talking about 'it'. I am getting a life, and being vocal to DP about his general bullshit. My feelings about him are quite ambivalent, so I'm just treating him politely like a flatmate. I am worried about the children, though; DS still quite anxious and easily upset. I am putting my energies into work and the DCs, and haven't been on here for a while. Will probably start a new thread.

[MysteriousHamster]

Thinking of you OP and just wondering how things are going?

[Cosydressinggown]

How you doing, Faulk?

[Loopytiles]

Oh, and in your shoes I would do some snooping to see if they are still communicating and seeing each other

[Loopytiles]

Know it must be tricky making time for counselling, especially when you're both self-employed, but if you stop after just one session and your H avoids the issue it risks everything continuing to be brushed under the carpet.

If the counsellor is decent they will try to address some of the issues, including the ongoing lessons.

I don't think DC come to harm from knowing about (in general terms) difficult times in their parents' relationship. Nor from knowing that things might change if things aren't resolveable.

My mum still says (after 40+ years marriage) "I still have options!"

[Longtallsally]

Long time lurker here Faulk. I just wanted to say that I admire the steps you have taken since starting your first thread, and I don't see such a bleak outlook as Fairenough. You have laid down boundaries, you called your h on his emotional affair, and he apologised. He hasn't stopped the lessons as you asked him to, and he is not fully engaging with you, heading off to bed early. However, he has started to take a fuller part in family life, communicating, cooking and co-operating more. It doesn't sound ideal, but it does sound like you are both trying in your own different ways. Being a man, and probably not a MNetter, he probably doesn't realise how much more he could be doing!

I agree that it would be worth dropping a line to school: your ds is bound to have picked up on the tensions at home, but I don't agree that it is a disaster that a father shouts at his son over homework. You are all under a lot of strain. These things happen.

It is a real shame that your h felt that he couldn't or wouldn't stop those lessons, but I can understand how that works in his mind. He has stepped back from the other woman, because you were unhappy with their relationship. He is still not admitting that it was wrong, and in his mind, he has drawn the line under it, whilst maintaining some autonomy. He is working on his relationship with you but cannot see that it would have been soooo much easier to stop those bloody lessons and make a fresh start. It will now take time for you to decide whether he is doing enough to make you happy - whether he himself is happy in this marriage. Hang on in there with Relate when you can. You need an outside perspective to help you focus on how far you have both come, but also how and where you are still stuck in these events that have overshadowed your marriage for so long now.

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

Fairenuff, that's a little much maybe :(

Hope you're doing ok Faulk. I'm afraid I do agree with others that he's taking you for a ride and I still think you should demand he stop the lessons :(

[Fairenuff]

I'll stop spamming your thread now

[Fairenuff]

is the lovely Emma Thompson again showing us all how it's done (it's 5 minutes in if you're going to watch it).

[Fairenuff]

This is how I picture you coping with this Faulk

[Fairenuff]

Here is the bald fact. Like it or not.

You said 'Stop the music lesson or I'm leaving'

He said 'No'

And you didn't leave.






Now he knows that he can do whatever he likes.

He is not going to stop seeing her.

I expect they are making plans to be together.

He may be squirrelling money away.

They may be waiting for the 'right' moment.

He may be trying to persuade her to leave her husband.

You don't know. But what you do know is that he will continue to see her until he decides there is nothing in it for him, or he leaves you.

Up to you how you live your life Faulk - waste it if you want.

I really hope you see what's right in front of your eyes before long.

Oh, and if you're still with him at Christmas, see if you kind find her present that he will have bought and hidden. I bet there is more thought to it that what he gets you.

Remember Emma Thompson in Love Actually? Heartbreaking.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

I also agree that him buggering off to bed is avoidance. .

Sorry Faulk, he appears to be withdrawing from you rather than stepping up and trying to repair the damage that he has caused.

Do you think this situation will ever improve?

You're worth so much more than this, and so are your children.

[onefewernow]

I'm glad to see you are starting to think about your boundaries- and hopefully, as part of that, the importance of consequences.

I agree that going to bed early to avoid you, or whatever, is a serious problem. So now he is pretending to try to "work" at the relationship through "stepping up", whilst in reality avoiding intimacy?

[Cosydressinggown]

Nothing has changed at all, has it? He's still doing exactly what he wants, including teaching the lesson that you've asked him not to, because he had an inappropriate, emotional affair with the mother of his pupil.

Him saying, 'I need to step up, I haven't been doing enough' is just bullshit. He may as well have said, 'I need to sweeten you up by doing what I should be doing anyway, so that I can carry on getting away with my affair'. Can your dignity really be bought with family days out and cooking tea?!

The going to bed early thing is an enormous waving red flag that he is a) avoiding you and b) enjoying some nice alone time with his phone/secret phone/secret e-mail/messenger account. This is classic.

You've been doing some work re boundaries but yet can't tell your own partner to stop doing something that is tantamount to shitting on your relationship, or you'll go, because you deserve better?

[Fairenuff]

Well done. Things are changing for you, slowly, but you'll get there.

What is the situation with his phone? Have you looked at it recently? Does he routinely delete his messages? The way he is clinging so very tightly to that damn music lesson is the big giveaway. Everything else is just a smokescreen. Sorry to say it.

But you are slowly building up your courage and your self esteem. Hopefully there will come a point when you are ready to say enough is enough.

Keep posting, keep reading up and practising sticking up for yourself

[intheduskwiththelightbehindher]

clam - in principle still going to Relate, but work etc have got in the way a bit. DP and I are self employed so when work comes in we have to do it - can't afford to pay for relate session and lose money for not working.

[clam]

Hi, thanks for updating.
I hope you don't feel too bombarded on this thread.
Are you still going to Relate?

[intheduskwiththelightbehindher]

hi everyone- just checking in. Nothing has changed re lessons - the boy can't come here because OW has to take other dcs to their activities and wouldn't be able to pick him up. I know what would happen - my DH would suggest dropping him off on the way to his next lesson. Erm NO.
I have been doing a lot of reading and research and putting my energies into that, and also into the dcs. fair - thanks for that. It would be awful if we did split, having told ds that we wouldn't. I've been trying to think of a gentle way to bring it up, and I like the way you have put it.
DP is working hard, organising family days out, cooked tea this evg while I went into the music studio to practise! He actually said 'I need to step up - I haven't been doing enough'
This is all very nice, but he still won't talk. He keeps going to bed early (about 9.30 tonight) because he has some early starts and feels better for having more sleep. More like avoidance I think.
I have been doing some work on myself re boundaries and trying it out on my pupils and other adults. Also on not being a 'parent' in my attitude to dp, but an adult - it's quite liberating.
Baby steps.

[Fairenuff]

Faulk I have been thinking about your ds this weekend and I think you should talk to him about what's happening. It sounds like he is a sensitive boy and the whole situation could be having an adverse affect on him. The fact that no-one is talking about it will be hard for him to reconcile.

I think you should ask if he has noticed that dad has been a bit irritable lately, or mum has been a bit tearful (or whatever you think he may have noticed).

Explain to him that you and dp have got some big decisions to make and at the moment you can't agree on them. Tell him that it is nothing that he has said/done or not said/done and that you both love him as much as ever.

If he asks if you are going to separate, be honest. Tell him that it might happen because if two people cannot be happy together, then separating is the right thing to do. But, at the moment, you are hoping that you will be able to sort things out.

If he asks, is it her (OW), tell him it is partly to do with that but mostly because you and dad haven't been able to work as a team and support each other and teamwork is very important in a family.

He will probably ask what will happen to him because that is what most children are concerned about. Tell him he will still have his mum and dad and they both love him. He will have a home and his friends, and go to the same school (if indeed you think that will be possible).

Tell him that if he has any worries or wants to ask more questions, he can come to you anytime.

I think this will help him feel more settled. He might be finding it hard to concentrate at school or be worried about an uncertain future. I also think this will help you because if you do decide to separate, the worst part of telling the children will be pretty much dealt with.

Normally I wouldn't suggest involving the children or telling them about marital dischord Faulk, but in your case I do think that your ds is reacting to the circumstances and it's better to talk about it than leave him anxious and worried.

What do you think?

Hope you're ok btw x

[IAmNotAMindReader]

Whether he has stopped the lesson, made sure she isn't present is now irrelevant. What is and always was relevant is his behaviour, which is worsening towards you and spreading to your dc.

[lazarusb]

We are here, even if we're lurking and not posting. We are on your side, ready whenever you want to come back.

[Fairenuff]

How are you today Faulk? Any luck with the moving out? Did you speak to ds's teacher?

Have we frightened you away again? Hope you're ok. You know where we are if you want to talk, rant, let it all out.