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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on EA

865 replies

faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

OP posts:
onefewernow · 30/06/2013 11:28

Faulk, in this situation he will take your queue on how much he needs to respect you. All the infidelity books agree that even if you want him to stay, your only chance of success is to give him a big shock and chuck him out.

The turmoil which will result will force him to wake up and see what he is doing. He will either stop, or decide he prefers her. If the latter, he would have in the long run anyway. And it is critical to add to his discomfort and feeling of consequences that you do not hide your reasons from significant others eg family.

Xales is right.

Dozer · 30/06/2013 11:37
Sad
mummytime · 30/06/2013 11:51

"bearing in mind I have children, I am unwilling to cause huge upheaval."

Is he thinking about the children whilst having this EA? No.

So if you keep being passive, he will one day decide he wants some other woman/family more than you/yours and will leave.
Or at his funeral your children will have to be dealing with the loss of a parents who was basically a selfish liar. Never mind the dreadful lessons they will have learnt about relationships from both of you.

BerylStreep · 30/06/2013 11:51

I would suggest that you do not, under any circumstances, tell him how you know - he will just hide his tracks even further - such as getting an alternative mobile.

I'm with everyone else - boot his lying cheating arse out.

LillyGoLightly · 30/06/2013 12:57

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I have been there too Sad

From your posts it seems to me that the way you are feeling is that you want to confront him and pull him up on things but you dare not be to harsh about it in case it forces him to leave or into the arms of the other woman.

The crux of this for me is that ultimately you keep giving him the upper hand, and what I mean by this is your acting like your the one who has got so much to lose (and of course I know you have, and that you want to keep your family together) like your the one on the back foot and you are showing him all your weaknesses by behaving like this and he is just taking advantage by spinning you more lies and taking this EA deeper underground. He is the one that should be running around scared out of his mind that he is going to lose YOU, he is the one that should be feeling that HE is on the back foot, HE should be worrying about YOU not worrying about himself!!! For your own sanity you need to put a stop to this asap before your self respect and self esteem ebb away into nothing.

You need to start showing him the hard line here, you need to start showing him that HE is the one that has got so much to lose, you need to make it real in his mind that HE WILL lose you if he chooses to continue what he is doing. You need to command his respect and not wait for him to give it to you, you need command full disclosure on this affair and you need to command that it STOP RIGHT NOW! These are all things that you deserve!!! Show him that you will not accept anything less than love, respect and truth....because if he cant give you these things you relationship is doomed to fail at some point in the future anyway.

If I were you (having learned from bitter experience) in reality you do not need all the details or even proof that he is doing all the things you suspect. You have enough proof and lies told to you by him to know indeed what is going on, you do not need an admission from him to deduce that (although it is nice to get I understand) your a smart woman so stop letting him insult your intelligence by continuing to let him feed you lies upon more lies. I would tell him that you have simply had enough, had enough of all the lies, all the excuses and that you feel you are simply not getting the truth. I would tell him that you deserve more, that you and your children deserve more. I would say that you are not sure that he is the man you once knew and trusted and that until you get the whole truth that you want him to leave for a while so you can have some space to think about the kind of man he has become and if he is even worthy of your time and affections anymore.

Say it....and then stick to your guns....do not crumble. By making this totally and entirely real for him is the only way his is going to get a big slap of reality and truly realise what he is got at stake here and what he is losing. Once you get him to do this, then you have the position of power (crude as it may sound) but that is what you need in order to set the ground rules of your relationship continuing/repairing. He has to become really and truly sorry for what he has done in order for you to be able to move forward, and right now he is not sorry, he is only sorry he got caught out because all his doing in continuing to tell you lies and carrying on with his little affair....just what he wants!!! Its up to you to make him sorry, its up to you to make him see, make him understand what and wonderful woman (and you are a wonderful woman) and wonderful family he has to lose. Yes there is the possibility he wont wake up and yes there is the possibility that he chooses the other woman (its very unlikely trust me) but if that is the case than the stupid idiot of a man was not worth having anyway....because he was not worthy of you!!!

Sorry that was long, but I hope it helps.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/06/2013 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2013 17:07

Any updates, OP ?

Please come back and tell us you have had the "mug" tattoo on your forehead lasered off and kicked this cheating scumbag right up the metaphorical jacksy

pregnantpause · 30/06/2013 17:14

Why would you tell the ow dh? So that he can do what you're too afraid to, and tell them it's their marriage or their 'friendship'?

He's judged you well. He knows you won't leave him you have given him permission to do this, by showing him that there are no consequences to his actions. He can have his cake and eat it, why would he change? It's all looking pretty good for him, apart from the odd suspicious discussion, which he feels he's averted by bothering to at least try to hide his affair (having read the last thread, I understand they have been quite open about it) he's happy.
If you want change- you have to act. Talk is cheap, and his actions have spoken loudly since your last talk. Chuck him out.

Fairenuff · 30/06/2013 18:26

It's interesting that you still consider this 'just' an ea. It's very likely that they are actually having sex. Would that make a difference to you? Would you still want him back? It's difficult to see exactly where your boundaries lie.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 30/06/2013 18:58

When did he change all his passwords? Have you asked him why he did it? Asked him to tell you what they are?

onefewernow · 30/06/2013 20:04

He may have had passwords for ages. These sorts of men often do. It becomes normalised in the relationship.

OP I am not scoffing. My H and I played cat and mouse about his passwords for years. He was up to no good. You must do what it took me years to do, and insist on openness and no passwords. You do have a right, although I remember the guilt about insisting on it.

However, it's also true that where there's a will there's a way, what with incognito browsing and suchlike.

I bet he sneaks off a lot, doesn't he? Busy with work? Etc etc.

Fairenuff · 03/07/2013 16:58

How's it going Faulk. It must be very hard to have to keep hearing the same responses from posters but you know, if we told you what you want to hear we would be doing you a massive disservice.

It's hard to hear that your dh is taking you for a fool. But that doesn't mean that you are a fool. You are starting to see this relationship for what it is and you are realising that it's not going to just go away.

It won't get better on it's own. Keep posting for support. Sometimes it takes time to really sink in. Hope you're ok.

Original poster
faulkernegger · 11/07/2013 22:36

Thanks for your support everyone. Massive showdown today, everything out in the open. Will keep you updated.

OP posts:
Hissy · 11/07/2013 23:39

As crap as it is right now, having the truth will help you in the long run. Stay strong!

SquinkiesRule · 12/07/2013 05:57

Be strong faulkernegger, stand up for yourself.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 12/07/2013 15:22

Thinking of you faulkernegger and hope you're okay.

EachAndEveryHighway · 12/07/2013 18:34

Hope things are going in your favour Faulkernegger. Best wishes.

LaurenGB · 12/07/2013 20:52

Hi Faulk. I am so sorry to hear that this is ongoing, but I must say I think it is a good thing that the release on the pressure cooker has gone. Its not healthy for you to be pandering to him whilst he is clearly not invested in your relationship anymore.

I hope you and the DC are looking after one another, and I really hope that the OH has left to give you time and space to digest whatever has come out from this.

Lauren xx

Original poster
faulkernegger · 13/07/2013 04:40

Hi everyone. Early days, and we're doing a lot of talking. He has told me a lot about their conversations and it's definitely an EA. It's ridiculous how many boxes have been ticked on the EA checklist. I know there is still more to find out, and I'm lurching between relief and anger. I wrote him a letter ( which kickstarted the reveal) saying I want us to move forward and he says he wants that too, so it's a start.
Here's another thought - he's obviously going to miss her - how do I deal with that? say 'tough - get over it'? or what?

OP posts:
PurpleRayne · 13/07/2013 08:46

erm, shouldn't that be 'how does he deal with regaining my trust'? What I mean is, your focus is a bit screwed here...

I'd suggest you get some individual counselling (for you). It will help you get the clarity and balance you need to genuinely move forward.

Thisisaeuphemism · 13/07/2013 08:49

So how do you know he's going to stop this time?

I think you need to access your anger- he has been having a relationship with another woman in front of you and your children. He didn't really give a shit did he?

I wouldn't welcome him back with open arms just yet.

SquinkiesRule · 13/07/2013 16:23

faulk at some point you have to get angry about it. He is the one who has to deal with it, and show you he can be trusted, it's all on him to do the work as he screwed up big time.
You aren't the one to handle anything and can't help him get over her.

Xales · 13/07/2013 18:49

So what is different this time?

He came and told you he was going to cut contact before as it was upsetting you. Next time you t urn around he is contacting her even more.

Good luck. Unfortunately I think you really need it Sad

JollyGolightly · 13/07/2013 19:14

Agree with the above. What about you; your feelings and thoughts? It's still all about him and what he wants, and you are allowing it to be. He really doesn't deserve this level of kindness and consideration from you.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 13/07/2013 20:11

Oh I am sorry. Flowers.

I am afraid that I do not see any mention of him leading the no contact, being sorry but active at getting your trust back, etc.

It is you writing letters, worrying, catching him with his phone. You do not have to deal with him missing her. He has to deal with his emotions. He seems child like at times in your posts. A bit like a kid who promised mum not to play with X, does it anyway and then tells mum something she will want to hear.

I do hope he starts realising what he is doing to your family and to you.