Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

I also agree that him buggering off to bed is avoidance. .

Sorry Faulk, he appears to be withdrawing from you rather than stepping up and trying to repair the damage that he has caused.

Do you think this situation will ever improve?

You're worth so much more than this, and so are your children.

[Fairenuff]

Here is the bald fact. Like it or not.

You said 'Stop the music lesson or I'm leaving'

He said 'No'

And you didn't leave.






Now he knows that he can do whatever he likes.

He is not going to stop seeing her.

I expect they are making plans to be together.

He may be squirrelling money away.

They may be waiting for the 'right' moment.

He may be trying to persuade her to leave her husband.

You don't know. But what you do know is that he will continue to see her until he decides there is nothing in it for him, or he leaves you.

Up to you how you live your life Faulk - waste it if you want.

I really hope you see what's right in front of your eyes before long.

Oh, and if you're still with him at Christmas, see if you kind find her present that he will have bought and hidden. I bet there is more thought to it that what he gets you.

Remember Emma Thompson in Love Actually? Heartbreaking.

[Fairenuff]

This is how I picture you coping with this Faulk

[Fairenuff]

is the lovely Emma Thompson again showing us all how it's done (it's 5 minutes in if you're going to watch it).

[Fairenuff]

I'll stop spamming your thread now

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

Fairenuff, that's a little much maybe :(

Hope you're doing ok Faulk. I'm afraid I do agree with others that he's taking you for a ride and I still think you should demand he stop the lessons :(

[Longtallsally]

Long time lurker here Faulk. I just wanted to say that I admire the steps you have taken since starting your first thread, and I don't see such a bleak outlook as Fairenough. You have laid down boundaries, you called your h on his emotional affair, and he apologised. He hasn't stopped the lessons as you asked him to, and he is not fully engaging with you, heading off to bed early. However, he has started to take a fuller part in family life, communicating, cooking and co-operating more. It doesn't sound ideal, but it does sound like you are both trying in your own different ways. Being a man, and probably not a MNetter, he probably doesn't realise how much more he could be doing!

I agree that it would be worth dropping a line to school: your ds is bound to have picked up on the tensions at home, but I don't agree that it is a disaster that a father shouts at his son over homework. You are all under a lot of strain. These things happen.

It is a real shame that your h felt that he couldn't or wouldn't stop those lessons, but I can understand how that works in his mind. He has stepped back from the other woman, because you were unhappy with their relationship. He is still not admitting that it was wrong, and in his mind, he has drawn the line under it, whilst maintaining some autonomy. He is working on his relationship with you but cannot see that it would have been soooo much easier to stop those bloody lessons and make a fresh start. It will now take time for you to decide whether he is doing enough to make you happy - whether he himself is happy in this marriage. Hang on in there with Relate when you can. You need an outside perspective to help you focus on how far you have both come, but also how and where you are still stuck in these events that have overshadowed your marriage for so long now.

[Loopytiles]

Know it must be tricky making time for counselling, especially when you're both self-employed, but if you stop after just one session and your H avoids the issue it risks everything continuing to be brushed under the carpet.

If the counsellor is decent they will try to address some of the issues, including the ongoing lessons.

I don't think DC come to harm from knowing about (in general terms) difficult times in their parents' relationship. Nor from knowing that things might change if things aren't resolveable.

My mum still says (after 40+ years marriage) "I still have options!"

[Loopytiles]

Oh, and in your shoes I would do some snooping to see if they are still communicating and seeing each other

[Cosydressinggown]

How you doing, Faulk?

[MysteriousHamster]

Thinking of you OP and just wondering how things are going?

[intheduskwiththelightbehindher]

no change re talking about 'it'. I am getting a life, and being vocal to DP about his general bullshit. My feelings about him are quite ambivalent, so I'm just treating him politely like a flatmate. I am worried about the children, though; DS still quite anxious and easily upset. I am putting my energies into work and the DCs, and haven't been on here for a while. Will probably start a new thread.

[Scarymuff]

Did you talk to your ds faulk about the possibility of a split?

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Hope you and your dc's are ok.

Take care.