Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

[FridaKarlov]

I don't want to pry but were you guys having a rough patch before this other woman appeared? My relationship had been having some quite problems and resentments for a while before I became infatuated with the other guy. Most of these problems ultimately stemmed from a lack of communication between us, and addiction (on my part).

[FridaKarlov]

*quite big, sorry.

[MNiscold]

He "agreed" no contact? Don't listen to what he says, watch what he does. He's "agreed" before... and what happened? As for teaching Z's son, that relationship will be affected by his relationship with the mother; he needs to stop teaching the child. The other points you make on this last post - vile temper, resentment, etc. not talking with you - He should be apologetic and helpful, grateful for another chance. If he's not hanging his head like a puppy that peed on the floor in front of you, then he's not actually taking it all in and reacting in the way that would keep your relationship alive. But hopefully the counselor will tell you this.... I do hope so.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I posted on your AIBU thread in the past.

His behaviour is not that of someone who has properly accepted that he was in the wrong. He is grumpy and rude to you when you are the person who has been wronged - he isn't the victim here.

He is not doing you a favour by backing off from this situation he is righting a wrong he has done. I think he should be a lot more contrite than he is.

Speak to Relate without saying anything to him about it yet because I think you need a bit of space to get your head clear. Personally, I would ask him to leave for a bit.

[onefewernow]

Negatives - vile temper, resentment about lack of work and having to take less than ideal jobs, only making small talk unless I start a conversation.

He is behaving like this because he can get away with it.

He is resenting you like a child for daring to cross his wishes.

Even my H didnt do this, and he was one big liar during this time.

Not throwing him out- I admit - I didnt- prolonged the rebuilding phase quite badly. It took away my bargaining power, because he knew he wasnt taking much risk. Also, after three months and once the dust settled, all of the things I 'accepted' that he didnt do began to resurface in my mind as possibles/probables, but he would not admit them, and I had no leaver to ensure he did (if he was ever going to). This too prolonged the recovery, due to my own resentments.

If it were me, I would clarify in my head all of the things which deep down you want and need from him- and be demanding. Then ask him to leave on the basis that you assumed he would be able to offer thos things, and clearly he is not.

It is REALLY hard to get in touch with your real desires and expectations during this phase if you have fuzzy boundaries, which I think you do, and which I certainly did too.

Do please consider it seriously.

How fucking dare he make you out by implication to be asking him something unreasonable in eg refusing to teach her. And how dare he even hint at a temper- he is simply having a tantrum against mummy, who has ruined his fun with the sexy lady.

Im so sorry. It is so, so hard to do this well.

[onefewernow]

lever!

[LozzaCro]

I think - with the utmost respect - you are seeing positives, where at best they are middle ground. It is completely normal to do this, you do not want your relationship to end or in fact even contemplate it. So looking for positive behaviour and hope is going to be expected.

I think it will help for you to keep writing things down, allowing others to point things out for you, look at the situation in a new perspective.

Again, just at your own pace. I do believe that you will come through this. You are clearly a lovely trusting person, and just need some support right now. I am so sorry that your OH isn't providing this in spades for you right now xx

How are the DC's doing?

[AgathaF]

He doesn't exactly sound full of remorse and eager to try to put things right.

He sounds resentful of you for spoiling his fun, like he's placating you with the bare minimum. How dare he ignore you until you speak to him. How dare he have a vile temper after what he has done. How dare he be anything less than full on trying to make things better for you as his partner and for both of you as a couple.

I suggest you do tell him about relate and suggest that he gets himself an appointment with a counsellor PDQ too.

He has a lot of rebuilding and repairing work to do. He doesn't appear to be doing any of it yet.

[Xales]

Negatives - vile temper, resentment about lack of work and having to take less than ideal jobs, only making small talk unless I start a conversation.

In other words you have taken away his shiny new play thing. It is all your fault so he is taking it out on you.

He spectacularly fails to see that this is all his doing Until he realises what he has done this will never be fixed as in his opinion he has done nothing wrong.

Good luck.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Oh Faulk, this must be painful. So he's spent the weekend snapping at you, resenting you, and getting irritated with you? This doesn't sound like a man who is sorry.
And he's planning to carry on teaching at her house. This doesn't sound like no contact.
I would be furious by now- he seems to think he's doing you a favour!
Hope it goes well at relate tmrw- be strong

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

He's being a twat to you.

You write with love, understanding and sound lovely but he is being a git and does resent you spoiling his affair.

You and your dc's deserve better than he's currently offering.

Tell him to move out while you consider your feelings.

[faulkernegger]

He apologised for being a grump this morning, has made me several smoothies, loaded the dishwasher, given hugs freely. It's not as black as you are all seeing it. Really.

[faulkernegger]

And all the temper etc - guilt. I know it and he knows it.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

He apologised for being a grump this morning, has made me several smoothies, loaded the dishwasher, given hugs freely. It's not as black as you are all seeing it. Really.

So what! they are house jobs that don't matter in the scheme of things.

You want-

Stop all contact, including tutoring her Son.
Open honesty and disclosure.

He isn't going to do these things that readily.

[alistron1]

His response in this situation (if he were sorry and regretted his actions) would be to be down on bended knee, promising to put you first and making an effort.

Throughout all this he hasn't done that and everything posters on here have suggested as to what his motives are/what he is doing have come to pass.

I get what you are saying/doing. I can see why you want to keep things going - but honestly, you sound so much better than this.

He has played you. If he could get away with it he still would be.

I wish you well for the future. I really hope things work out how you want them to.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I'm sure you're right Faulk, we aren't seeing it all - but if you read back your threads, even the start of this one you said how loving he is being. I hope he has changed this time and not blithely carrying on like last time- only time will tell I guess.

[faulkernegger]

Quick question = all of you who have been through this - did your OHs all beg for forgiveness, promise to put you first, did total NC, and was this before or after you threw them out?

[Thisisaeuphemism]

It sounds like you feel you've backed yourself into a corner with promises to move forward. That's not the case.

All you have to do is say, look I've been digesting what you told me over the last few days about how much you feel for her, about the money you spent on contacting her and the way you repeatedly lied to me, and kept secrets and I want some space to think what I want now. .. Because i dont want a half hearted love.

If he loves you and respects you, he will understand this.

[FridaKarlov]

In my case OP I begged for forgiveness, but also, I confessed everything to my best friend who made me realise what a twat I had been and put things into perspective for me.it really helped to get the view from outside the whole sorry mess.

[Hissy]

Before and after...

Also that NiceGuy stuff didn't last long either, when he realised I wasn't falling for it.

Thing is, the 'improvement' is only him hoovering you back in. It's being done cynically for as long as it takes till you crack.

The only chance you have of him ever changing is by NEVER cracking! Never letting up on him, and he has NO right to complain.

For me, after the tearful begging, the suicide hints, seeing his quickness to blame me somehow said it all.

I didn't let up, not even then. I said that it was over, that it'd never work again, as i'd constantly be reminded of all the crap stuff and hold him accountable somehow. I said that I felt that IF really reformed, he deserved a better chance, a clean slate, and actually so did I.

Time went on, a year or so. Purely functional conversation, passing him to DS, saying nothing to him at all.

A couple of months ago I got the most authentic apology i've ever had. I think he knew he'd lost me, and knew why.

Ok so all academic, as he's still thousands of miles away, but he really did seem to have 'got' it.

Either way, whether he has or not, is none of my concern really.

So stay firm, keep him GONE! Long run, you may be able to have a decent conversation with him, but that depends on him. Til then. Do your own thing!

[Hissy]

But mine was abuse, not adultery.

Main thing is that HE has to fix this, or lose you. He has to see how that loss will be. In short he has to eat shit.

So hold your course, stay strong, determined and resolute.

[FridaKarlov]

Oh, and it took him to say he was leaving if I didn't end the affair. He didn't demand NC and because of my addiction I was still involved on a social level with the Other Man- but it was really just friends after that point. OH wasn't happy but put up with it because he knew I was no longer keeping secrets. When I kicked my addiction for good I lost contact with the other man

[Inertia]

Sorry to be brutal, but he doesn't sound like a man who is genuinely sorry for the damage he has done to his family and his marriage. He's sorry for himself because he doesn't get to lark around with his 'soulmate', and he's angry at you for puncturing his big romantic dream.

He looks and sounds like a man who realises he doesn't have anywhere else to go until OW is ready to leave her husband, so he's biding his time by keeping you just enough on edge to hope that things might get better He's showing you enough of a nice side to prevent you from kicking his arse out, and enough of a temper to keep you scared and in check.

So he's making you drinks, doing household chores, and giving hugs- like normal husbands and wives do every day. That isn't some great show of penance I'm afraid- he ought to be working a lot harder than that to repair his marriage.

[BerylStreep]

If he is being grumpy about lack of work, he has only himself to blame. Having an affair with one of your pupil's mothers is hardly going to win you new work. (well, not respectable work).