I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!
What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!
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Relationships
Update on EA
faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53
It's often said on here that it's fine to change your mind about wanting to "move forward", to ask him for some space or even to move out. At any point you can take a break from him.
Really don't like the things on your other thread that he said about (and to) OW, them being "twins", time being wrong, would be different if not for DC. His lies. His ridiculing you about wanting him to stop visiting OW's house to teach her DC! He has betrayed you and your DC.
He seems to have got you in a position of fear, gratitude and weakness 
.
I was in similar situation once (no DC involved). Feeling insecure, unhappy, paranoid, him laughing at me, sometimes loving sometimes cold and critical. He eventually dumped me (blaming me and saying some nasty things) then a few weeks later wrote a letter, "as friends", mentioning how sad he was and that OW was "the only one who understands" 
I was STILL not seeing it and hoping he'd come back until a friend read the letter, pointed out that it was clear he'd been having an EA if not full-blown affair and suggested when it might've begun (strangely, when our relationship started to be tricky) and a lightbulb went off. He eventually married the OW. The infidelity hurt a lot less than the period of confused rejection, and regret allowing him to treat me badly for so long.
Now of course there is MN!
I haven?t posted here in ages but your post touched a nerve. It's my story, not yours I know, and I've dithered about posting but you've posted up thread that you'd like to hear from those who have been through it...
3 years ago my H started mentioning this OW and her H, they'd recently moved into our area, and they'd go into the local at the weekend where my H worked for treat money. He'd tell me tales and funny stories and how we must organise a get together, we all went out a few times, can't say I got it but H certainly enjoyed their company. Roll on another 6 months, H now has her phone no and the amount of texts between them are creeping up. I'm beginning to worry, but I don't know about what .. am not suspicious why should I be? I love him, he loves me, there is just this nagging... something?
Then helping the OW out starts...her H is out, she's just text could one of us go round and help with whatever...as your busy with DS(2) Stinging, I'll just nip over should I? OW sons bike has a puncture - ?I'll go fix it Stinging, they're on their way out, can't ruin the day when I can sort it out" - nips back home, grabs his bike, " you don't mind if I go with them do you - I'll show OW the trail we use", I could go on but I'm sure you're seeing what I didn't. We had a dog, they'd just got a puppy - oh the amount of times they'd just bump into each other - usually told by DS (5) guess who we saw mummy!
8 months in and now I'm beginning to get fed-up, she has her own H for this kind of stuff..why is she constantly calling my H? why all of a sudden is he surgically attached to his phone.. what are they texting about all the time? I bring it up...of course I'm being ridiculous, he's being friendly, a friend, thats what friends do Stinging, help each other out". Only now its beginning to bite, because he wants to carry on being "a friend" and I want it to stop and because I'm trying to take the cookie jar away he's throwing a tantrum..Suddenly I'm moody, suddenly I'm a control freak, suddenly I'm dictating who he can and cannot be friends with. So I stopped..because actually deep down I was scared, scared of what might happen if I pushed too hard, for the first time ever, I don't think I'd come first. For another 2 months I put up with this gaslighting (thanks mumsnet!) questioning my judgement and ignoring my instinct, until our anniversary. Stupid thing really but I usually get a card with "To my darling Stinging" and then some heartfelt words..that year I got "To Stinging, Love H". and the night spent with him disappearing every so often with his phone. I broke down and demanded he show me his phone, he did eventually and of course the texts were to her..nothing incriminating but still..it was our anniversary and he spent it thinking about her, texting her.
We had it out the next day and he after telling me "she's the female version of me Stinging, she really gets me" and me telling him he's destroying our marriage with his behaviour, he promises me he'll not contact her again. He texts her and tells her that their friendship is causing problems at home and that its best if he concentrates on his marriage. From that I get a lovely text from her, telling me what a super husband I have and how sorry she is if she?s inadvertently caused any upset and how much her H appreciates all my H has done for her recently! - Clever this because it made me think I was actually totally in the wrong and over reacting - her H obviously wasn't bothered like I was. But I stick to my guns and insist he does not contact her.
Only he does and I find out..similar to you in that he picked his phone up off the bedside table and took it to the loo with him. What I should of done here was tell him it was over, but I didn't -(scaredy cat again) and I wish I could go back in time and do that, just so he'd realise how serious I was about it, all that fannying around, I should have just said enough is enough. But I can't and here's where our stories differ....I ignored that one text and that one text turned into on average 2000 texts a month for the next 3 months and the time when we were concentrating on our marriage (well I thought we were) was the time it went physical, it had gone from friendship to affair in just over a year, played right out under my nose. By then I'd found Mumsnet and posted, (had some fab advice from AF (harsh but true!), Sternface and MAHC amongst others, I thank you again). Those 3 months were living hell and a whole other post (which I won't ? this is long enough!)..The pub hours increased, the lies increased, he became distant, critical and withdrawn. I did not want to have confront what was now obvious, I had 2 children 5 & 2..little money and a H who was still insisting nothing was going on. I wanted to stay in my ?happily married? bubble but the day came when I realised that no longer existed ? it was god awful - I did what had been suggested here and asked him to go, I was heart-broken and scared (again!) but these wise posters on here are right - that?s what was needed to break his fantasy bubble, it really was only when he'd lost me that he realised just what he had to loose. He moved out for a couple of months, which gave me breathing space. I needed that, to get my thoughts together without a physical reminder day in day out. Seeing him at home on a daily basis would have made it much harder imvho.
We are working at it OP, more importantly He is working at it, it doesn't have to be the end. It's coming up 2 years now (Oct) from when I found out the truth and our relationship is good again...We have more transparency and talk about things much better. Although I do have the odd wobble, I trust him again, not 100% but I don't see that as a bad thing. I'm also stronger in myself and know that if I had too, I could cope on my own.
Actions have consequences I wish I'd made them count sooner, I may have been able to stop it before it almost destroyed our marriage.
And to answer your question..no nothing changed until I asked him to leave..I truely believe he needed to see that I meant every word..He was breaking not only my heart but me - that had to stop.
I wish you all the best OP, its a horrid time.
Ps. sorry that was so long ? once I started I found it quite cathartic and I didn't want to stop.
Thank you Agatha - a tad too long perhaps 
(and that was an edited version)!
I dithered about posting because other posters say things much better than I can, its just faulks post took me back and I can remember feeling how she must be feeling and desperately wondering how the hell to make it right.
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So he is determined to go to this woman's house to give her son his lessons while soft soaping you with a load of dishwasher and a few smoothies?
How is that no contact?
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