Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

He won't realise until there are consequences

And there are none, so he will continue to take the piss. Op, don't sympathise when he pines for his girlfriend, will you ? or will you ?

I hope things work out for you, but you do know how it sounds? You are worried about him missing his mistress. That is screwed up.

Some misunderstanding here; when I say how will I deal with him missing her I mean, how the hell am I going to cope watching him pining for another woman? I certainly don't mean I'm going to feel sorry for him - he's brought it on himself. It's killing me knowing he has had intimate conversations and shared things with her that he should be sharing with me. He's built a wall with him and her on one side and me on the other and I'm so angry with him. That does not mean however that I am going to tell him to leave - I think that would make reconciliation even harder. BTW how does he get my trust back? anybody been through it and learned to trust again? I'm even suspicious now when he leaves the room. and tomorrow he's working away from home all day. (although the mate who is working with now knows the situation - I am starting to tell more people)

Why do you think telling him to leave would make reconciliation even harder? What do you think the consequences would be?

Ask him to leave while you sort your head out. Been there and done that, the only effective solution is space for you and seeing what he is risking losing for him. Make it clear that you don't know if trust can be regained and he may have lost you forever.

What you can't do is worry that you are sending him to her. If that's who he goes to then she is more important to him and nothing you do will change that. You can't be better or more patient, you'll only drive yourself mad.

You have to stand up for you now. If he wants your trust and respect he needs to earn it the hard way. You've done nothing wrong.

Sending you strength and many unmumsnetty hugs.

You can't trust him yet - there still seems to be no anger in your responses, just (and understandably) massive hurt. I very strongly sense that you place very little value on yourself and your own worth. Why is that - has he gradually diminished your so much in every sense that all you feel is fear at losing him, rather than righteous anger at his utterly outrageous and self-indulgent behaviour? I don't believe it's just an EA I'm afraid. These two have connived to get their story straight and they will continue to mock you behind your back because you are so lovely that you have been taken in by his and her lies. Shame on them and particular shame on your exploitative husband who gets lucky because he is married to a decent and loving woman who wants to see only the best in him! Please please find your inner anger and sense of self-preservation - believe me I have been exactly where you are and I rue my early responses to discovering my DH's 'EA'. I was fool enough to believe his protestations of it 'only' being that for six weeks, until he was compelled to tell me about their numerous sexual liaisons because her husband was going to do it otherwise. Get tough with her too - if she has a DH or DP tell him. She needs to get off your marital territory and your H needs to start building that wall between them. NO CONTACT is the only thing that will work to wean him off his addiction, because that is what it is. I get no indication he intends to observe that. Read Shirley Glass's 'Not Just Friends' (Amazon, Kindle) which is brilliant about how EAs develop and burgeon into full blown affairs. You MUST stop him now - he needs to know he will lose you if he doesn't end all contact with her now and fight for his marriage. Your niceness will be your marital destruction and even more misery. Time to stop appealing and start swearing - this arrogant selfish cruel man needs YOU to get your metaphorical balls out so he understands that it stops NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week. Now. Good luck - my heart goes out to you.

saw - woah - where do you get the stuff about conniving and mocking? - not from me (own agenda?)
rinse - he has now agreed to NC, hence his misery.
chips - thanks for the hugs, makes a change from being beaten about the head.

Op, I'm so sorry you feel got at - its nobody's intention. You do sound lovely, and that's why people are concerned that you are being taken advantage of.

You told him a number of times that you were unhappy with his contact - he agreed and then went on for more. I guess we are unclear what made this time so different.

As for the trust, I guess that honesty, transparency and time are needed.
You said there was 'more info to come' - you will need to get that out the way first.

Wishing you all the best.

The only way men learn is through loss.

You have to show him conséquences of what would happen IF he doesn't stop. As indeed he didn't.

His pining needs to happen somewhere else. He needs to do some long hard thinking, and you need space to think.

Telling him to leave for a while is actually the strongest weapon in thé potential réconciliation arsenal.

Letting him stay, so there are no awkward questions for him to answer is - to cheats like him - tantamount to letting him completely off the hook!

Please read the Shirley Glass book, please put yourself first, please get angry with him and take charge.

It's the only way you'll get him to respect you, and it'll do wonders for your self esteem.

No-one is here to batter you. I know you think that they'rre being hard on you, that's because you're scared of loss.

But in a way, you lost him already, the intimacy and trust. Only a shock to his system will force him to rethink.

You don't want the same cheating man back, you want one that's decent, respectful and knows that he WANTS to be with you. You want HIM to panic about losing YOU. The only way to shake all this up, is to get him to leave. For a while.

rinse - he's crossed all sorts of lines, what makes you think I don't have any boundaries?

I think because you're not actually making him change anything, holding him to account and standing up for yourself to send him a message to say that you won't let him off, until he fully appreciates the stakes here.

I think if you view your 'limits' AS boundaries, then you can see how he's tap danced all over YOUR no-nos and he's got nothing in terms of conséquences for any of it.

You'd discipline à child, so they'd learn not to do it again, you have to do the same here. Simplistic, perhaps. Effective, definitely!

How do you know he is telling the truth this time op?

If he had crossed your boundaries OP he would be out on his ear.

RinseandRepeat is right. Where do you draw the line? What happens if your trust is never re-established? Are you happy to continue in a relationship without trust just so you can be with him? Because that is a horrible way to live and you could waste years in that miserable state.

I never post on these threads, mainly because there are so many others who offer such great advice but I have read this and your previous threads and I agree with the others in that you seem so passive about the situation and there are no tangible consequences for his repeated disprespect of you and your family and the life you have and his continual lies and ongoing contact with the OW.

But the biggest thing I can't get my head around is why oh why would you WANT to be with a man that was visibly "pining for another woman"

Faulk you have come a long way since your first post. You have been very brave in confronting this because it's clear that you are terrified of losing him.

However, the irony of it is that if you want to stay in a relationship with this man, you have to ask him to leave.

He has to understand that he may lose you. That he has broken all your trust and lost any respect you had for him. He needs to realise that you might not even want to be with him anymore.

Only then, when he truly accepts that, through his own choices, his own actions, he has risked everything, will he make a proper and genuine commitment.

If he doesn't commit to you fully, openly, honestly and take full 100% responsibility for what he has done, there is no way that he can start to rebuild a relationship with you.

All this has to be done by him. It has to be his idea and he has to genuinely want to do this. There is nothing you can do because it's not your problem to fix.

Sure, you can make him show you his phone, you can make him go to relate, you can make him give you all his passwords, etc. But you making him is not him choosing for himself is it?

What about the music lessons, have they stopped? How does he behave when you talk about it, is he contrite and supportive or does he get fed up, defensive or try to minimise or shift the blame?

Tell him to leave whilst you have some time to think about what you want. Honestly, it will scare the life out of him. And if he runs to her then you have your answer and can start to move on.

If he doesn't then and only then is the time for you to consider rebuilding this relationship together.

Faulk, I'm sorry if you thought I had an agenda. Believe me the only agenda is that of your lying H and his OW. What do you think he was talking to her and texting her about? The weather? Believe me these two will have got their story straight, just in case you ever confront her. I would surmise that his discussion with her after you asked him to go NC was how to let the dust settle a bit and you to become sufficiently trusting so they could resume where they left off. Like all of them he and she are working their own self-indulgent script - he is in affair bubble-world and everyone on here who advises you to ask him to leave are spot on that his behaviour towards you is contemptuous and contemptible. I wish that it were otherwise but his behaviour screams it out loud.

How are you doing op? Hope things looking clearer now...

Hi, I posted on the AIBU thread before I saw these updates here.

I had an affair years ago which started as an EA and ended up physical. My partner actually caught us in the act which was just awful for him. Everything your partner did in terms of red flags, I pretty much did. I don't know why I thought my partner wouldn't know what was going on.

It was knowing what I was on the verge of losing that made me change my ways. Things were tough for the first 2 weeks after it all came out because I was still deluding myself that I could somehow have both of them and make my partner accept it (!!). In the end we had another showdown, he gave me the "it's him or me" ultimatum and I broke it off with the other man.

My other half forgave me and we're still together and very happy, but I still feel wracked with guilt about my behaviour and thinking about it makes me deeply ashamed.

In terms of your partner, Expect a wobble of some kind from him- he may try and kid himself that he and this woman really can be just friends or that he can be a bit more clandestine. Hold your ground, and make sure he knows that if he does not draw a line under it, you WILL end it and let everyone know why. Pay particular attention to what he does with his phone\ email.

The aftermath of my affair ended up strengthening my relationship, I hope that you will find a similar positive outcome.

Thanks Frida useful to get the other side's perspective.

Hi Faulk, I am so glad that you keep posting. Please bare in mind that some posters may be trying to move you forward before you are ready. It's not anyone aiming anything other than support at you, just that it may be coming across negatively because you are not ready to hear it.

In all honesty, he doesnt sound like he is making much of an effort for you. He has eventually ok'd NC? Surely he should have jumped at this and been more repentant? I honestly hope that this is just because we are only really getting a fraction of the relationship/story/whatever is going through your mind, and that you find peace from all of this. Wether this is with him or without him.

Lots of love and hand holding xx

Still posting. It gets a bit dull relating every little detail - so sorry you are getting edited highlights/lowlights.
Positives - he has agreed NC ( not yet had an answer about teaching Z's son - quote ' I KNEW you were going to say that!')
Also - doeswant us to move forward.
Is starting to see how upset I am by this
Is sorry
Has done a fantastic job of laying new floor in our sun room - redirection of energy!
Negatives - vile temper, resentment about lack of work and having to take less than ideal jobs, only making small talk unless I start a conversation.
It's a long haul.
I'm going to Relate on my own tomorrow - don't know whether to tell him.