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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dp just blew up at me again and im terrified.

300 replies

tyedye · 31/05/2006 09:44

Im in trouble again and i want to leave but i cant,i cant protect myself or my kids from it,all verbal so far,feel so bad ive stated cutting myself again.

OP posts:
Original poster
tyedye · 31/05/2006 10:17

the other brothers partner has just left him for the same reasons!its not rocket science is it!

OP posts:
blueteddy · 31/05/2006 10:18

Well that is obviously what he has grown up thinking is normal then. He thinks it is the way you treat women as his father was his role model.
Please try & break the pattern.Sad
Have you ever threatened to leave him?

Original poster
tyedye · 31/05/2006 10:19

When hes "normal"hes great!!!but that is decreasing so fast now.but the "real"him is faultless,i know,pathetic!!!!!!!!but i keep fighting for that bit back!

OP posts:
blueteddy · 31/05/2006 10:20

Is/has he had any kind of counselling?

SSSandy · 31/05/2006 10:21

"hes a very emotional,paranoid person,very controlling.
But he gets angrier with me the more anxious and upset "
I think this IS the real him, tyedye.

blueteddy · 31/05/2006 10:21

No it is not pathetic, it is a normal way to feel. Your mind almost scrubs out the bad when they are being nice doesn't it?
Sounds like he needs help of some kind & so do you.

tribpot · 31/05/2006 10:22

tyedye, sympathies. I think we've spoken on a thread for those of us 'blessed' with chronically ill partners!

Life is very difficult for your dp, but so is it for you and your kids. He has to get help, and I mean counselling as well as pain management. I think you do need to involve your hv and try and get some support from your local Carers Organisation, I am looking into this at the moment - \link{http://www.carerssupport.org.uk/\Carer Support website}.

I think you should probably see your GP as well - you need to get some help.

SSSandy · 31/05/2006 10:23

Is dp chronically ill? What does he suffer from?

Original poster
tyedye · 31/05/2006 10:29

The truth hurts doesnt it!he has appalling back pain,and undiagnosed breathing difficulties,gp has told him its depression/anxiety but hes not having it.At least he has finally relented to seeing gp now,we are going friday,but if I mention depression i will be right in the shit.He wants effective pain relief,asked before but gp said cut down on booze first.

OP posts:
Original poster
tyedye · 31/05/2006 10:31

I have threatened to leave him,he knows i have nowhere to go.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 31/05/2006 10:32

It all sounds very difficult tyedye. Good luck with the appointment. Hopefully he will listen to the doctor, if not to you.

SSSandy · 31/05/2006 10:48

tyedye, You say you have nowhere to go and no money, so if you left him, you would have to apply for benefits I suppose. Frankly under those circumstances I would be prepared to do that but I'm not you and I don't know the whole story.

It just sounds like a frightening, joyless life to me and, you know, this isn't a rehearsal or anything, we get one shot at life and this is it.

Original poster
tyedye · 31/05/2006 11:09

I know this isnt a rehearsal,my ex left me for my best mate,ive never had an easy life so to be unhappy feels normal,that sounds very weak and dependent i know,im actually quite strong,many people would have folded by now nder the sort of stress i suffer each and every day,i find some pleasure in simple things,apart from my kids,my garden,art,when im allowed to do it........

OP posts:
blueteddy · 31/05/2006 11:13

Sad You deserve better.

SSSandy · 31/05/2006 11:16

No, it doesn't sound weak and dependent to me. Any woman who can bring up 4 children has to be very strong. I only have one but I always wanted 4. I was really sad when I didn't get pregnant again and I still am in fact.

Don't feel you have to make some kind of a decision, it's good to just talk to someone about it all, isn't it? When you listen to people's problems, it's so tempting to tell them to up and leave but maybe I'm just being unrealistic thinking you would be happier away from dh.

blueteddy · 31/05/2006 11:20

Don't think you sound weak & dependent either, tyedye. I know leaving someone is a huge thing & something you are not ready for, but I think changes of some sort need to be happening.
Have you tried to talk to him about how his temper makes you feel?
Would he be prepared to go for anger management?

Original poster
tyedye · 31/05/2006 11:24

I asked him if he thought he had a problem with anger management,when hes like that hes a brick wall,when hes better he listens to a point,i need to shock him though,disappear,but with four kids!?I know im lucky to have them but i need a ruddy trailer,one has several"essential"instrumentsmusic gcse,clobber,small boy w all his anti-allergy clobber,the baby.....i never pack further than a couple of things!then give up.Angry

OP posts:
SSSandy · 31/05/2006 11:26

Did he change at some point or was he always this way?

blueteddy · 31/05/2006 11:28

You shouldn't have to leave, can't you ask him to leave?
Not saying you should - but if you really want out don't feel you're trapped.

glitterfairy · 31/05/2006 11:29

Tyedye I havent read all of this thread but it sounds as if you need some serious help. Can you go to see the Citizens Advice Bureau and ask about housing and shelter. Womens Aid have really really helped me and it doesnt need to be physical abuse that they will help you over. If you make an appointment at your local womens aid place they will talk to you and offer advice and help.

As I have said to my kids who want me to be friends with my x Mummy needs to be safe first and not to feel afraid any more. Being abused is making you afraid of someones reactions if you do something wrong. Banging a wall is violence and the threat of a temper is never ok either.

THere are also some great places who will help with self harm and drinking and honestly there are loads of people out there to help you.

blueteddy · 31/05/2006 11:34

Yes, try CAB. You sound like you think you are trapped & have no choice but to stay & suffer, which is not the case.

fattiemumma · 31/05/2006 11:34

Phone womens aid NOW!

im not going to lecture you about what safest for you and your children as you alredy know.

I left XP when my son was coming up 4 ( he has special needs as well) and my DD was 10 weeks. my son adpred his father but that didn't mena it was the safest place for him.

womens aid will take yoi and all four children. they will place you ina secure hostel where there will most likely be many other children for them to play with. theywil then help you get benefits or other financial suport in place.

it is likely that they will discuss your options with you first rather than saying pack a bag and leave now. you need to be 100% sure about your decision for it to be a safe one.
they will go through all your options and help you (yes YOU!) make a decision. they wont railroad you into leaving if you dont think thats right just yet.

please please please at least call them. even if its just for a chat.

0800 80 10 800
i promise you will feel like a lead weight has been lifted just becasue you know your options and you know that if and when yoru ready there is somewhere for yout to go.

Original poster
tyedye · 31/05/2006 11:35

Thank you glitterfairy,i thought it was physical violence that womensaid helped,love your name BTW,BT i did ask him to leave and he refused,as he is skint too.Im no bloody better,im so anxious im shouting at the kids!BlushSad

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Original poster
tyedye · 31/05/2006 11:36

Thank you fattiemumma.I will.

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SSSandy · 31/05/2006 11:38

Take care of yourself, Tyedye. You're every bit as important as he is, you know. You're concerned about his depression and pain and so on, you have a caring reaction towards him. His reaction to you feeling anxious and upset is aggression. It seems one-sided to me.

Perhaps part of feeling you have to stay in this relationship is isolation and financial dependency on him? If so, can you step by step see if you can move away from that, so if you did ever want to/have to leave, you could?

Good luck with everything.

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