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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

270 replies

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:07

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 11:39

That's very kind pictish you have been especially sensible and I really do appreciate it Smile

I am having tea, charging my phone and going to have a look at cash converters. They have tellys. I'd like to have one there when kids get back from school. Too weird otherwise.

I'm going to tell them he has to work tonight. Then they are at their dads sat night. Then I'll work out what to say. I think maybe they'll get used to it just being me again and then it will not be too traumatic.

OP posts:
Solo · 14/06/2013 11:45

Well done OhTiger :) now your birthday celebrations can begin! Flowers

BeCool · 14/06/2013 11:48

Happy birthday OhTiger!
Flowers
You've given yourself a fantastic gift (even if it doesn't feel like it yet).

ChasedByBees · 14/06/2013 12:12

Happy birthday Tiger! Flowers

whippetwoman · 14/06/2013 12:29

Happy Birthday :)

MisguidedAngel · 14/06/2013 12:32

Bit late on the scene, but this is something a friend told me when I was in a similar situation trying to let someone down gently -

"Soft doctors make stinking wounds"

spondulix · 14/06/2013 13:33

Well done, OP. It may seem shite right now but you really HAVE done the right thing.

Happy birthday Flowers

TotallyBursar · 14/06/2013 13:35

Phew, about midway through I was getting knots in my gut - you didn't dump him and it made me go hot & cold for you.

Then you made it all come right.
What a fucking relief.
I will sound a cunt but what you can't see, that everybody here can read, is you need the freedom program. This level of negotiation is not right for 6 months, it is a clear sign of a mismatch.

You, I'm sure, have your head screwed on 99% of the time. But your reaction to this was a hot wired one that bypassed your sensible circuits.
It's been 6 months - he lived at your house, got comfortable enough there to SHOUT at your kids, acted like a cock lodger but without any sex.
Your response was to respect yourself and your children by calling it a day. Your conditioning kicked in (I could literally see it happening) and you accepted the balls out lies of empty promises to change. You do know you aren't required to fix him & manage the situation? You don't need to carry that responsibility for making things right & making sure no one ever gets upset or hurt.

This sounds terribly judgmental & putting you down - it's not coming from that place.
It's coming from an abused child who nearly missed out on a wonderful DH because she felt awful for splitting with a needy man. I nearly swallowed my needs to facilitate him because he was good enough. I wouldn't have been happy because he couldn't do what he kept promising he would. I am happy now & so is he - he's getting married to a great woman because he sorted himself out & she has different needs from me.
I inherited a fear of being alone, accept any man as long as he doesn't hit you...and if he does, well maybe you should look at your own behaviour first. It's hard to ditch that thinking when it's carved into your psyche.
We each hold the responsibility for our own happiness, we all have the right to self determination. That very much includes finding out the consequences of your behaviour - being insulated from that (or rescued) does nobody any favours.

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 14:08

I have bought a telly. Tesco. Sorted. Just need to set it up now.

Not sure what to day to kids still. Just that he had to go away I think.

My friend who was coming to dinner now can't come. So it will just be me and kids. Like it was for ages. I suppose it might be nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 14:08

And I'm agreeing with everything you are saying. I've been a bit silly, but at least I've sorted it out now.

OP posts:
BeCool · 14/06/2013 14:10

OhTiger - you have been brilliant!!!
Enjoy the new telly.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2013 14:18

Great post, TB

OP, respect to you for recognising what you needed to do so quickly

6 months is not long to turn this around (but next time don't let them push you so fast, eh......)

Jux · 14/06/2013 14:22

Tiger, you are a fabulous example to everyone, but to your children most of all and most importantly. They will now see that the behaviour he indulged in is not acceptable, a very valuable lesson, but also that it is possible to put a stop to it.

Well done, very well done indeed ThanksThanks

Kiriwawa · 14/06/2013 14:25

You haven't been silly at all! You listened to your gut feelings, tested them out on here, nearly got persuaded by him that you were doing the wrong thing (because that's your conditioning), checked again and realised you were right all along.

What's silly about that? No one gets out of an abusive relationship unscathed, no one.

MorrisZapp · 14/06/2013 14:30

Good work OP, he needed binning and you did it.

I must admit, sometimes I wish I could build a time machine and go back and bin a few losers from my past, with the strength and wisdom I have now.

God I'd love to see their faces. Instead I was a pathetic wuss but hey ho, we can't change the past. At least now I know how to handle myself :)

Happy Birthday!

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 14:43

Aaaaaaand I've tuned the telly Smile

You are all being very nice to me, thank you!

I shall be single for a good long time I think. It's a shame. I wanted to model a good relationship for the DC. That will have to wait.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 14:46

Or should I tell the children that I didn't like him shouting at them? Among other reasons obviously, like not going home. I don't want then thinking it's their fault. But it might be good for them to see you don't have to put up with crap. I don't want then thinking 'poor mum got dumped'. They are girls, 9 and 11.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/06/2013 14:51

I would tell them an age appropriate variation of the truth, otherwise you risk them misunderstanding the situation

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 14:53

That's the tricky bit. I'll work something out.

OP posts:
overture · 14/06/2013 14:53

Happy for you OhTiger :)
I did the single mum thing for nearly 7 years, it was not bad at all. I love my DH to bits, but I sometimes miss it. Confused (have a bit of a fierce independent streak)
We spent loads of time, going to movies, talking about all things, camping, indoor/outdoor picnics, cuddling up in my bed reading charlie and the chocolate factory/james and the giant peach(DC fave books) til late evening over and over till the pages are nearly knackered. My DC look back at those times they say "as the best".

We didn't have everything during that time, but we made the best of what we had and the time we shared.

I suppose I'm just saying, You might not be able show them a good relationship yet, but you can show them what a good parent is :)

Best of Luck and don't feel guilty Flowers

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 14:57

That's lovely overture. I have missed the 'us against the world' stuff we used to do. Out will be fine, brilliant again, even Smile

OP posts:
50shadesofmeh · 14/06/2013 15:04

I'd just tell the kids it didn't work out and you didn't want him living with you all long term, they will understand better being straight with them than confusing them.

Solo · 14/06/2013 15:07

I wouldn't tell the Dc's it was because he shouted at them just in case they then blame themselves. Maybe just tell them you mutually decided it wasn't working between you and went your separate ways?

CinnamonAddict · 14/06/2013 15:09

Hi Tiger,
well done!
Have a lovely birthday! If you can't find anyone else to go out with tonight, have a wonderful celebratory meal with the dc and a bottle later on tonight? (There's always the drunk thread... Grin)

You will find someone who is perfect for you, I'm sure. After this programme you will be even better equipped to trust your gut instincts. Go Tiger

Wine
hellsbellsmelons · 14/06/2013 15:12

I would tell them that, although you like him, you didn't love him and sometimes grown up relationships have to end.
Leave it at that.
Don't involve them by saying it's because he shouted at you.
They will think it's their fault and it's not.
Have a nice night with your girls.