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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

270 replies

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:07

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 10:24

Great post nicknametaken.

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 10:27

I'm going to sign up for it today Sanity Clause

I'm also going out now I think. As he's finishing early to get his things. Best if I'm not here?

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 10:30

Yes, go out.
I would bag and box them up and leave them outside for him personally.

Gingersstuff · 14/06/2013 10:34

Yes, definitely go out. He will talk you round otherwise and you've done well so far Flowers. Honestly, no relationship 6 months in should be this much hard work. He's not the one for you.
Pack up his stuff and leave it outside. If it were me I would also leave a note telling him not to contact me again.

curryeater · 14/06/2013 10:36

I hope the text said the things you mentioned upthread - "you snooze, you lose" or "too little too fucking late".

Sorry but this guy is a dick, he is trying to force you to be with him, which I think did happen on Seinfeld - didn't George do that? Didn't he once just refuse to accept his endumpment, or something?

Look, someone needs to explain to him how this works - dumping is unilateral, he doesn't have to agree. Give me his phone number and I can clarify a few things.

Happy birthday. I hope you have a nice time with the dcs and friend. Is the friend funny? If so you will be screaming with laughter over this idiot once the children are in bed. I hope so.

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 10:38

I'm still struggling with calling him an idiot. I feel so sad I've made him sad.

OP posts:
RoooneyMara · 14/06/2013 10:39

That's Ok. You feel bad because you're a nice person and perhaps so is he - but nice doesn't make a relationship.

It is te ONLY fair option, to end it. I am a bit worried he will stick around at yours if you're out, just to see you, and 'fight' for you a bit. You may end up kicking him out.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2013 10:43

Ugh at "fight for you"

Wtf does that even mean ? Keep nagging you until you cave in ? Don't engage with him any further

No means no

curryeater · 14/06/2013 10:44

He is an idiot because he made you dump him by text, which you didn't want to do, because you were trying to be nice and grown up and honest and face to face. For that alone he is an idiot and has forfeited any rights to being treated with dignity. I agree that you should not be there when he comes to get his stuff because he will start whining on at you. Are his clothes that were washed yesterday dry now? Don't you dare iron them.

RoooneyMara · 14/06/2013 10:57

He sounds very clumsy with very basic no relationship skills

Perhaps his parents were a bit dysfunctional

either way he hasn't got a lot to offer you - which is sad.

That saying about 'somone you could live with' rather than 'someone you couldn't live without' is popping into my head here.

50shadesofmeh · 14/06/2013 11:04

Sorry for calling him an interloper but you really don't sound like you love him OP, you sound like you are a nice person who feels bad for hurting him but that doesn't mean you should keep him in your life.

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 11:05

He came back early. I went straight out. He didn't seem fighty. I'm now in a field wondering how long to leave it...

I'm going to have to buy a new telly.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 11:06

Can you walk somewhere for a coffee?
Are you ok about him being alone in your house?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/06/2013 11:09

Well done Tiger, you have moved forward by dumping this cocklodger that came into your life.

Do enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap. You need to re-establish proper set boundaries on relationships and this will take some considerable time. You need to also consider what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up, you may well have been taught some damaging lessons.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Happy Birthday to you Flowers from a fellow Gemini.

curryeater · 14/06/2013 11:11

Maybe there is a TV on your local freegle?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/06/2013 11:12

Well done.
I do hope he leaves you alone now.
And...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Enjoy your evening as best you can!

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 11:12

No coffee for 20 miles. Middle of nowhere. I'm ok with him being there, had to be done. He's not a bad man. Just not for me.

I'll get that book Attila, thank you x

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 11:12

Try Gumtree as well. I buy loads of stuff through Gumtree.

50shadesofmeh · 14/06/2013 11:13

Well done OP it's always hard splitting up with someone whether you love them or not.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/06/2013 11:13

Good point curry or freecycle!
Worth a try as a stop gap for now.

pictish · 14/06/2013 11:17

Well, it's ok that he's not for you. You have done no wrong. You are showing respect by turning him loose.

I would far rather take the hit and feel the pain, than desperately try to emotionally blackmail and pressure someone into keeping me in their life.
I want to be adored and respected. I think I deserve that. If they don't want me, it's their loss and nowhere near good enough for me!

You keep this guy on, and at very best, you will soon become his mum.

Don't go there.

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 11:23

I'm home he's gone.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 11:24
Brew
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 11:31

Thank you. You have all been lovely and right and supportive. MN rocks x

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 11:34

Change your username to HeyTiger instead. Wink Grin

You've handled this very well. Kudos to you, and happy birthday. xx