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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

270 replies

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:07

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 22:26

Just how best to interact I think. And what his role is. And if they were being particularly tricky for me what he does. He's lovely with then, they like him.

OP posts:
zzzexhaustedzzz · 13/06/2013 22:26

Pictish, above makes a really good point. It's amazing how we can allow others (I do mean men usually) to behave in ways we would never allow ourselves. I too would be gone from this relationship in his shoes and question what's keeping him.
Having had trouble ousting men from my life in the past I have observed:

  • they could talk me round very easily
  • I was afraid of their reaction, that they would be devastated etc etc and they exploited this kindness. In reality they snapped out of it fairly quickly afterwards.
  • These were relationships I chose to continue because perhaps I wanted a man to be emotionally dependent on me. Whether they actually were I don't really know! But it seemed they needed me when I did not need them.
I have done something similar to the freedom program. It is useful to talk to other women about how abusive men behave because the amount of similarities is scary and you feel less alone and stupid (which is how I felt). Not saying anything about your present partner, we don't know enough. Good Luck OP, thanks for sharing, hope you get your sex life sorted.
Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 22:58

I clearly need to re read this thread and have a think. I also have a friend who says she 'doesn't understand' , yet I think we can be happy. Maybe I'm still fucked up. I thought I was not so much and had my head screwed on these days. Bollocks.

OP posts:
ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 13/06/2013 23:07

I'm really sorry you are going through this - it's shit but I am very very pleased that you are going to re-read the thread and have a think. I think you expect too little from other people/relationships (due to your past) and that he only seems lovely/kind/whatever compared to your previous partners but to the rest of us he seems like a user/cocklodger/taker/whatever.

We will be here no matter what you decide to do - but please try to understand/believe what people are saying.

You are a few months into this relationship - it should be fun, lovely, romantic, filling you with happiness... - not all this crap.

Also, this is the sex you will be having for the rest of your life - any temporary improvement will be just that - temporary. Can you live like this?

Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 23:13

No. I cannot live like this. So if it doesn't change now I've said so... Well next time I do it by text and leave bin bags st the end of the garden I suppose. But right now it's lovely so I'm going to relax for the weekend and see what happens.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/06/2013 23:22

Fair dos...but don't settle petal.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 13/06/2013 23:30

Do let us know how things go wont you
x

Solo · 13/06/2013 23:30

And have a lovely birthday too!

Hissy · 14/06/2013 01:52

He's just tested you.

A mère 6m in and you let him off.

You have history of abusive relationships, and you have let this guy under the radar.

He new the gig was up, he batted his eyelids, a few 'sweethearts' here and there and you fell for it.

It's ok, we've all been there! :)

Do the Freedom Programme, and keep your eyes open, get some distance between your DC and him, and keep your wits about you. Don't compromise!

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 14/06/2013 06:01

For what it's worth, I think it is good to be able to talk about what is wrong in the relationship so you can try and fix it. It just depends whether you think you can be happy with him if things change, or if you'd still feel the same about him.
People on here can guess at which it is, but only you really know.

DaemonPantalaemon · 14/06/2013 07:15

Why are you fighting so hard for a six-month relationship? Why are you encouraging your children to see him as a step father? You are setting yourself up for some serious heartache here. But maybe you don't think you deserve any better.

50shadesofmeh · 14/06/2013 07:18

Can he not go live in his own house and give you your own space and just see him on a casual basis , it doesn't need to be all or nothing , it's not fair on your kids having this interloper in your home.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2013 07:51

oh dear

Chance missed

You shouldn't have to tell/show someone how to act. He's a grown man, not a child you have to raise.

6 months in and the sex is shit ? And he is "sorry" ?

Baaaaad vibes

HamsterDam · 14/06/2013 08:16

he should interact with your kids as one of your friends and a visitor in their home. that is his role and that's the role he plays if they are being tricky for you playing up or whatever. not step dad. who is it that's pushing for more with the dcs?
he's lovely with them when he's not shouting at them. he will always have the excuse he used for doing that, will you let him off next time?
have they been particularly more tricky for you since you moved a stranger into their home?

JustinBsMum · 14/06/2013 08:28

I want to say that 'the children like him' etc is your take on their views, unless you have had an honest discussion about him moving in, and coming from a dysfunctional home myself, the DCs will do what they think makes YOU happy. So if mum appears to want the bloke there they will go along with it happily.

I would not want him living there after only 6 months. If he isn't around so much then you might find what their views actually are. I'm sure they would like a father figure but after only 6 months it's too soon to tell imo. You do make the final decision but second guessing what the DCs want shouldn't influence that.

bobbywash · 14/06/2013 08:30

Hmm

OP good luck, when you come back on here in a few weeks time and saying how do I do it, you'll still get support.

Just a thing, if you're having naked bedtimes a couple of times a week and at weekends, he's not really moving out much. You asked if you were right to move on because of the way you were feeling. Most, actually all, said yes, yet you've allowed yourself to be talked round. I thoink the answer to why you've had a few shitty relationships is right there.

As I said before good luck and MN will still be here.

G

bobbywash · 14/06/2013 08:30

... how the h**l is there a random G at the end of that???

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 09:01

My head is all over the place.

When we are together it's brilliant. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy.

The kids do like him. Little one suffered with anxiety which has disappeared now, Coincided with him being around. He makes a massive effort to think of things they would like and things to do with them.

Calling him names and things like interloper doesn't help. I fell in love with this man and he loves me. It makes me defensive of him and makes out harder to think.

I could end it by text this morning and have his stuff packed I suppose. But doesn't he deserve a chance? Can't anyone see that? An I really being a massive twat?

OP posts:
DaemonPantalaemon · 14/06/2013 09:01

The random G is your subconscious trying to write GET RID.

G

MooncupGoddess · 14/06/2013 09:11

Well, it can't be that brilliant when you're together if you haven't had an orgasm in three months.

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 09:16

Yes. Well the sex thing is the biggest problem, clearly. I mean talking, laughing, pointing things out, is easy and fun and just nice.
I'm really struggling here.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/06/2013 09:17

It can't be that brilliant if you were going to break up with him yesterday?

You haven't had an orgasm in 3 months.

He doesn't contribute properly financially.

You feel smothered.

I suspect that your DCs anxiety disappearing had something to do with the fact that you were suddenly happier, and very little to do with him. You have to work out how to achieve that without a man, and then any relationship is a bonus.

Kiriwawa · 14/06/2013 09:22

Can I just remind you of your OP which you typed less than 24 hours ago:

I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

We barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He shouted at both [my children] (separate incidents) yesterday.

I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months

This is not a nice man. This is not a man who loves you. This is a man who's looking for a cleaner and housekeeper. And the fact that you can't see the red flags in that list just shows that your boundaries are fucked.

I'm really sorry if that's harsh but the longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be for you to get rid

pictish · 14/06/2013 09:22

You're not being a massive twat at all!
You are being short sighted because of the pace of this relationship.

That he should have practically moved himself in already is too much. That his presence has any influence on your kids (good or bad), at this stage is too much.

You are accepting less than you want, because he is so established and embroiled in your lives! You feel obligated to him now because you want consistency for your children!
You have convinced yourself that he is good for the kids, yet there have been incidents where your instinct has alerted you to the idea that that might not be the case after all. If he were not already stitched into your pocket, you would feel far more able to view this objectively. As it is you're all entangled in a way that probably isn't appropriate for a five month old brand new relationship!

Who set the pace?

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 09:28

I don't know who set the pace. It just sort of happened.

I've just dumped him by text and told him, as I clearly can't do it face to face. I feel horrible. He's going to be so upset at work. We were supposed to be visiting his friends together this weekend, and I just don't want to. So I'm not.

OP posts: