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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

270 replies

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:07

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

OP posts:
Kiriwawa · 14/06/2013 09:32

Oops sorry, cross-posted.

Really, really well done OP. Have some Flowers and Brew

You should feel really proud of yourself.

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 09:33

Happy birthday to me. Ha.

I can cry now?

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 14/06/2013 09:34

Kiri I was just about to post exactly the same.

OP just look at what you said and ask yourself, if this was a friend of yours what would you be advising?

There are many red flags but the fact he hasn't given you an orgasm for 3 months, out of a six month relationship, tells me he's a very selfish person.

ExcuseTypos · 14/06/2013 09:36

X posted. Well done.

Don't feel guilty, it's the best thing for you and your dc.

Lweji · 14/06/2013 09:37

You did the right thing.

Don't cry. You should be relieved.

Why are you feeling sad?
For him? Don't.
Because you are morning a relationship and what it could have been? That was mostly wishful thinking.

Think instead of the relaxed weekend ahead of you and all the possibilities. :)

pictish · 14/06/2013 09:38

Eeeek!!
Well done and poor you all at the same time.

Now have a good bawl, yes.

You have done the best and kindest thing. Ultimately.

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 09:38

He's not picked up message. I need a response so it's done. Argh.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/06/2013 09:38

And happy birthday. Flowers

I think you have just given yourself the best birthday present you could wish for.

pictish · 14/06/2013 09:39

Don't cry for too long though!

Kiriwawa · 14/06/2013 09:39

Yes, cry but also remember to tell yourself how far you've come. You've realised that this isn't a good relationship and you've ended it. So I was wrong. You do have boundaries, they're just a bit sketchy right now. You can spend some time now making them stronger.

(And not having shit sex which is much worse IMO than no sex!)

AnyFucker · 14/06/2013 09:40

Have a really good cry, love

You will be ok, you and your kids are a family unit and don't settle for something that clearly wasn't working

You can't shove a square peg in a round hole, no matter how hard you try xx

Kiriwawa · 14/06/2013 09:40

Can you organise a birthday treat for yourself?

pictish · 14/06/2013 09:42

And seriously, to be pragmatic for a minute, if he starts begging for another chance after this, then his self respect is at zero, and believe you me - that is going to end being an awful lot of hard work. It is already.
Don't do it to yourself.

pumpkinsweetie · 14/06/2013 09:43

Happy Birthday opThanks

You did the right thing, unhappy after only 6 months in says it all really!
You have your children and now atleast you have your space without the constant drain he bought to your life. And always remember there are more fish in the sea and plenty of chances to meet someone that makes you truly happy.
Have a Brew and tonight a Wine

HamsterDam · 14/06/2013 09:49

well done you have done the right thing. you cant be as sure as you sounded yesterday without being right.
i bet it was him that's set the pace by the fact that he's jumping in when you're disciplining your dc and you're the one uncomfortable with how fast things have moved.
really don't like the sound of him to be honest, hope he respects your wishes and that's the end of the matter x

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 09:54

Apparently he's fighting for me. Not sure how that works when I've said enough.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/06/2013 09:56

You're supposed to think that's romantic, rather than desperate.
I'm not saying that to be mean about him...I just can't think of a kinder way to put it.

pictish · 14/06/2013 09:58

It's also subtly domineering. Think you know your own mind? Well you don't - he will change it for you.

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 09:58

I'm sad beside I don't like upsetting people.

This is how this happens. I also feel sick.

I am going out for sushi tonight with kids and was supposed to be him but now my friend is coming.

I always have shit birthdays. Don't know why I bother.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 10:00

It is a bit isn't it Pictish? I'm trying to be annoyed by it.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 14/06/2013 10:04

I say this with utter kindness, as something that helped me get past the guilt: are you really so utterly wonderful and irreplaceable that by dumping him you've destroyed his chance of happiness forever?

No, you're not - not because there's anything wrong with you, but because relationships end and people move on all the time. You've set him free - maybe he'll find a woman who would rather have cuddles than sex, and then he won't be with someone who has a nagging sense of dissatisfaction. Fairer for everyone.

That's taking him at face value as a decent guy. But I'd also remind you that "no means no", and applies to a continuing relationship as well as to sex. I couldn't fancy a man who nagged and guilted and persuaded me into sex, and the same goes for one who nagged and guilted and persuaded me into continuing a relationship.

Januarymadness · 14/06/2013 10:10

Dont think of thos as a shit birthday. It is a new beginning.

Original poster
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 10:14

Thank you nickname taken they are great points.

I need to work on bring firm in person as I can only do it in writing it seems.

OP posts:
ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 14/06/2013 10:16

Congratulations lovely Flowers

Have a lovely Brew and a birthday treat. From this minute on you are going to have GOOD birthdays :)

Please don't be talked around again - it's control/desperation not love that he's displaying.

SanityClause · 14/06/2013 10:17

Oh, lovely, you remind me of DD2, who doesn't like to upset people.

Me - Stop saying sorry!

DD2 - Oh, sorry.

Do the Freedom Programme. Then, you'll be better placed to find someone who gives you lovely raunchy orgasms, and also space, when you need it! Wink

And Happy Birthday! Flowers