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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

270 replies

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:07

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

OP posts:
FeegleFion · 14/06/2013 15:17

Listen, I've been dumped by text, a lot of people have. It's not the ideal, but you at least attempted to tell him in person, he used emotional blackmail and charm to change your mind (or try to).

He will live and....

....It's your BIRTHDAY, the first of many for an upwardly positive life.

May you find happiness within and when you do, the rest will follow Grin Wink

Today, is a special day. I'm glad that your DC have their mum all to themselves today.

Happy Birthday Flowers

overture · 14/06/2013 15:43

oh and Happy Birthday :)
Flowers

pictish · 14/06/2013 15:45

I agree. Tell them the truth...that you were not as enthusiastic about the relationship as he was, and you felt it would be unfair to carry it on, knowing it would have to end sooner or later.
Because that's the bones of it.

curryeater · 14/06/2013 15:55

Tell them he was crap in bed.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2013 16:02

Tell them that you weren't satisfied with how you were getting on, so you decided to call it a day. Emphasise that nobody has to stay with someone if they don't feel happy and that we all have the right to end a relationship as long as you do it decently and that the other person has to accept it gracefully.

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 16:07

Haha curryeater

I think I'll keep that info for just anonymous internet forums. I feel a bit of an idiot for putting up with it in the first place.

OP posts:
curryeater · 14/06/2013 16:29

All the more reason to let your girls know it is not acceptable! ;)

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 14/06/2013 16:50

Well done Tiger! Glad you are doing what is right for you xx

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 14/06/2013 16:59

Happy Birthday. Flowers

TotallyBursar · 14/06/2013 17:09

I think AF has it there.

Your girls will be fine, the gift you have given them (knowing how to be a strong and independent, happy woman that has ownership of her feelings - and that it is a good thing) is one many women wish their parents had given them as part of their emotional toolbox.
It may not feel like it now but I can't tell you how much I wished my mother had stood up and showed me I could stand up too; that I didn't have to hand over my feelings and future to the first man that would take them on. Even if he had less than my best interests at heart. That I didn't have to learn that lesson the very hard way.
Also that it's fine to be sad when things change but 'better the devil you know' is not a motto to live by.

You are a wonderful mother, a thoughtful and resilient woman & you are far -far- from silly.
Enjoy your new telly, have a lovely meal with your fabulous girls and, most importantly, happy birthday! Thanks Thanks

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 17:25

Don't make me cry bursar!

I've told them. I kind of had to as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. I said I wasn't happy with some stuff he said and did, and he probably wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. Dd1 gave me a massive hug, grinned her face off and said she didn't mind at all, as he was an angry person. I never thought of him as that at all, quite the opposite

OP posts:
OhTiger · 14/06/2013 17:27

Phone!
DD2 shrugged and said she didn't mind one bit, and smiled and hugged me.

NOW I can enjoy my birthday and buy a lovely bottle of wine on my way home

RELIEF!

OP posts:
BOF · 14/06/2013 17:35

YAY! Good for you, bloody well done Grin

Happy birthday x

Jux · 14/06/2013 17:41

Hurray! What lovely children you have Smile

Happy, happy, happy birthday!

AnyFucker · 14/06/2013 17:44

Yay, what a tight little team you are with your girls

He really was an interloper wasn't he, and one found very ranting indeed

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 14/06/2013 17:45

Isn't it amazing how children sometimes just ?!

DD (16) met someone I've known for years (and not liked) recently.

She spent 30 mins in that person's company, and in the car on the way home told me that she didn't like X, X was a very cold person who had looked her up and down in a very judging way.

Exactly the reasons I don't like X - but took me about 10 years to articulate it to myself!

Darkesteyes · 14/06/2013 17:46

Saw this thread last night but didnt comment. Bloody well done to you OP. Saw the clues in yr first post that it was a sexless relationship waiting to happen.
And the shouting at your DC!

Have a Happy Happy Birthday from another Gemini.

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 17:50

I do wish they'd told me before. That bothers me.

They know they are number one for me, I've always said so. I'll find out why they didn't say. I always need them to say.

That's brilliant your daughter has such great instincts on the bottom with a Womans weekly you must be proud Smile

OP posts:
WhiteBirdBlueSky · 14/06/2013 17:53

Trouble is, you don't want to make it their responsibility to vet your boyfriends. Too much responsibility.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 14/06/2013 17:54

SEE - even the kids were onto him. Just shows what a great decision you have made :)

Enjoy the rest of your birthday Flowers

Any second thoughts when he's texting/calling/sobbing - come right back here & well put you straight!!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 14/06/2013 17:55

She's not asking them to vet her boyfriends Hmm she's finding out why they didn't feel confident enough to say 'I don't like him - he's an angry person'. Big difference.

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 17:59

Vet boyfriends no! I agree, that would be horrid. But yes, I just need them to know they can say of they don't like ANYONE we have in our home, for any reason and I'll listen. I won't make a song and dance out of out. Just need then to be clear.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/06/2013 18:08

This is why you can't just assume that kids are ok with something

If they think YOU are ok with it, they are less likely to speak up to protect you

OhTiger · 14/06/2013 18:50

Totally right AF. Lesson learned. They thought they would hurt my feelings and I'd be upset. I've told them they can't hurt my feelings by having feelings of their own, and we discussed it a bit. Now they'll tell me I hope. But I'll be sure to check harder. Of I ever so this again.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsAllMine · 14/06/2013 18:52

well done for todays turn of events. You have done really well - for your girls, yourself and I wish you a fantastic Birthday - whats left of it.

Flowers