Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Tell me I'm doing the right thing?

270 replies

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:07

I'm doing it tonight. It's going to be horrible. He will cry minimum. He's not had a great relationship history, and I don't think he has a clue this is coming. I feel like a horrible bitch that has led him on.

Met in January and it has all gone too fast. He's pretty much moved in. He's not been home to his house in weeks. To start with I liked it as I'd had a lonely time, and I like his company, but now I feel suffocated.

When we met he seemed to have loads of friends and was always doing stuff. Now he just wants to stay in with TV and cuddle.

Cuddles are very nice, but we barely have sex ever. In the first couple of weeks he was v passionate, then nothing or ferry sex - roll on roll off. I've not had an orgasm in 3 months.

He is usually very nice to my children and wants to be a positive influence, but he shouted at both of them (separate incidents) yesterday. I have encouraged the fact he is an adult in the house, and deserves respect, but I'm perfectly capable of discipline, do it my way and don't need back up.

He's bought quite a few bits for the house and garden. I'm not sure how this is going to work, do I reimburse him? I have been feeding him and doing his washing and he's been using my electric for months I know I know don't say it

It's my bithday this weekend and I know he has bought me something so I need to get it over with tonight so it does not get worse.

I'm right, right?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 13/06/2013 14:59

Oh he sounds like a dreadful boyfriend. No sex, under your feet all the time, shouting at your kids, bleurgh. Ditch! Do it like you're ripping off a plaster, quickly. He is responsible for his own feelings. He's not a child or some delicate little flower you have to protect. He'll get over it.

Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 15:35

That made me smile chasedbybees (as well as your excellent name)

He has bought food in the past. But less lately. I seem to be funding a lot. I think that's what tipped me this week. I funded a weekend of lovely food, he said he was a but skint, then asked him to cook on Tuesday, and he couldn't be arsed so got takeaway.

I'm basically dumping him for buying a takeaway.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2013 15:47

Straw.... camel..... back...... Sometimes it's the takeaway that tips it.

spatchcock · 13/06/2013 15:47

"I'm basically dumping him for buying a takeaway."

It's like an episode of Seinfeld!

SolidGoldBrass · 13/06/2013 15:56

You may have to be very firm, but don't be afraid of that. You have every right to end a relationship that you no longer want to engage in. If he becomes shouty and aggressive, it's fine to tell him you will call the police to remove him if he doesn't leave quietly. Of course, he sounds more the passive whiny type who will just sit there sobbing at you. Again, if he really refuses to leave, you can if necessary call the police to remove him, because once you have told him to go, he is technically trespassing (as he has a home of his own and no rights in yours).

Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 16:00

Laughing at Seinfeld Grin

Hope it won't come to that SGB :/

OP posts:
Scrazy · 13/06/2013 16:00

If he has stopped sleeping with you, let you feed him and use your home in return for buying the odd watering can then you have nothing to feel guilty about, really.

ChasedByBees · 13/06/2013 16:05

It's the advice I wish I had received on several occasions OhTiger. :)

Whenever I had to dump someone I agonised and did lots of hand wringing, but they were always fine and it was always the right thing to do. You have children involved so you don't want to drag this out longer than necessary.

Good luck!

Justfornowitwilldo · 13/06/2013 16:10

Run like the wind. You're in the honeymoon period. You should be having good sex. You should be enjoying him being around.

You ending up feeling smothered because he's practically moved in and all your angst about dumping him and 'ruining his life' Hmm makes me think you need to do some serious work on being assertive.

Xales · 13/06/2013 16:12

Don't get drawn into debates or analysis.

Don't be vague. Don't waffle in an attempt to make it easier.

No I don't want to be in a relationship.

More I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 13/06/2013 16:14

oh dear! hope your talk gets rid. You are in the honeymoon time indeed as justfor says, rubbish sex sporadically is worse than no sex!

bliss88 · 13/06/2013 16:18

This sounds very hard...if you have your mind set with breaking off the relationship then you must otherwise is will only get worse. However do you not think being honest and talking about all this with him may help and your relationship can continue? Do you love this man? Or have you compleatly gone off him with everything that is going? Just remember your kids are involved in this too and if its better for them also to break away then do so but do your kids like him? Are they close?

Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 16:54

I think I've just fizzled out bliss. The lack of sex has turned into a huge thing for me, and that won't change, I've talked to him about out before and it just hasn't. What I thought it was, well it turned out to different. He is a lovely man, the kids do like him a lot, I've never introduced anyone before. But I dont think it will be what I want it to be. I'm probably unrealistic and I'm almost certainly better off on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 16:55

And I have hesitations that he is as patient with the children as I thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 17:22

But now he's here and he's being adorable and saying we can sort it and I want to cry and I don't know. Oh hell.

I at least need a break.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 13/06/2013 17:23

They're always lovely when they suspect you want to dump them. Stay firm.

Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 17:25

He knows it's coming yet is talking about what's for dinner and doing stuff tomorrow. Can't talk tool kids have gone. This is like fucking torture.

OP posts:
Solo · 13/06/2013 17:28

Stay strong!!!

Original poster
OhTiger · 13/06/2013 17:30

I am. He's not staying tonight. I can work from there.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/06/2013 17:37

You need to be straight with him. I think suggesting a break would be disastrous.

lemonstartree · 13/06/2013 17:38

If you are sure, and it sounds like you are, then prolonging the relationship is a) pointless and b) a bit unkind to him...

be strong

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 13/06/2013 17:41

You can't sort a fundamental incompatibility. Nor can you sort (IMO) shit sex. Or shouldn't bother trying with a fly by night boyfriend like this one.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/06/2013 17:42

You are definitely doing the right thing!

pictish · 13/06/2013 17:49

Good luck then. You're just not going to get the spark back btw. End it and don't prolong the agony.

RoooneyMara · 13/06/2013 17:57

Perhaps your tipping point was his shouting at your children. That would certainly have been mine.

Say whatever you need to to make him go away, then you can akways extend the 'break' indefinitely - but you need to give his stuff back. All of it as soon as possible or he will hassle you for longer.

Swipe left for the next trending thread